I can't think of anything much worse to have to live in when a couple is "done" with their M and having to stay under the same roof. I would like to offer this suggestion and it may not sound like a very "graceful" one but I believe your W should not get off so easily when she comes at you the way she does. I think you should not refer to it as an EA and just say an affair (and if the kids aren't around....maybe be more crude about it). The reason I say this is b/c she needs to have the romantic vale removed from that R with the OM. It needs to sound as ugly as it really is--instead of how she has it imagined in her mind. It isn't some high school fling....it is adultry and it needs to be exposed for what it is. Do the kids know about OM and what their mother did while on the trip? How does she act around them? How do they feel about her?
She needs to be hit in the face with that every time b/c she should have to own up to her fault and so far she is still trying to point her finger at you for the breakdown instead of taking the blame. That is her WAW mentality of finding justification for what she's done. I wouldn't soft cushion anything for her. Whenever she speaks as if it is a certain fact that "she" will have custody of the kids and house, can you put her in her place by reminding her that judges don't favor mothers who leave their children while they sneak out to go screw OM? No, on the other hand, that might not be a good idea to say that....and just leave it for the lawyer to spring on her. I get caugth up in this and am angry at her and don't even know her! It shows how she is still in a state of "dream land" when she can do her children the way she has and still think that she won't have any problem getting full custody of them. I don't know the laws of your state, but I think that most states do not automatically give the wife/nother everything like they did decades ago. If there is anyway you can prove how you have been the one to stand by the kids and provided for the family while she was the one out doing things she shouldn't have....then that will get a judge's attention. Otherwise, it may be just "she said/he said"....but that is why they have lawyers to work through all the mess. It seems to me that if you work from your home that that would have to be taken into account also. I don't know, I'm blowing off steam as if I'm part of the family here. I should be giving you encouragement instead of talking like this. But it makes me angry at her to treat her family the way she has. BTW, do you have copies of her cell phone bill where she's contacted OM? Maybe your BIL could send a notorized statement of how she behaved while on the trip.....I don't know b/c I've not been down this road.
I hope you have the strength to contiue to stay there in the house and not give into her pressing you to leave. She wanted this and I would remind her of that fact every time she brought the subject up. Remember, no more Mr. Nice Guy! Don't make anything easy for her--so that she will get a small taste of what life without you will be.
BJ, you are to be commended for your efforts and please do not compare yourself to the OM b/c the fact that he is totally opposite from you shows just how "sick" her frame of mind is. I think that b/c he is so different from anything that would "fit" into the family...says a lot but I'm no doctor so I don't know how to put it into words. I know that my OM was completely opposite from my H and his lifestyle was opposite from ours, so I think that was what drew me to him b/c I was trying to escape from my own life and all that represented it. I did not want anything to "remind" me of my "old life" b/c I wanted something entirely different & new. I believe that had a lot to do with your W drawing to her OM. It is craziness b/c none of it makes sense. There is no telling how long ago that this started working on her mind and it continued to grow into this monster. She does not want to see it for what it truly is and she's still living in a fantasy in spite of the conditions, so that is why you must continue to apply tough love.
Take care of "you" and remember we are here for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
