Hello all, Looks like we all have been through one hell of a ride. There have been some developments and I really need advice and perspective. + We went to SC on vacation for 2 weeks and everything went pretty well all things considered. By pretty well I mean that we were amiable to one another yet we sure werent loving.
My wife and i didnt say anything to each other for the first two days...tension a little high. then we went for a drink and she confirmed that she wanted out. we had some conversations on the beach but she bought 3 books on divorce and would often go for naps while i was playing with the kids.
Part of the time we stayed with my mother in law who knows what is going on. I found it so weird that my m in law didnt say anything to me at all...so i rode over to where she worked...we chatted in her office for about 20 minutes and she was as bewildered with her daughters behavior as everyone else is
Fast forward to yesterday...we had a couple of Realtors over to look at the place...she had a conversation with a close friend who is religious and doesnt believe in divorce...she met with her lawyer....then she asks me to sit down and see if i would agree to slow the process down for a month so we can talk..she said that everything is becoming real for her so she just wanted to slow things down.
I was a little startled with the about face but I agreed that I would slow the process down for a month and see if we could make some headway...but that i would keep the meeting that i had with my lawyer yesterday..
My wife said that her main issue was that she didnt want to have sex with me...no sexual feelings..she said she likes it when i hug her and that it feels good but it feels like a friend and not a lover. as always my preference is for us to work things out...but i really need advice on how to make my wife love me again and also the 180 in her behavior seems a little odd
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
My wife said that her main issue was that she didnt want to have sex with me...no sexual feelings..she said she likes it when i hug her and that it feels good but it feels like a friend and not a lover.
This is basically the same crap my wife said to me. It turned out that she was "seeing" someone else. Sounds like this could be the case for you too. Be careful!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
then she asks me to sit down and see if i would agree to slow the process down for a month so we can talk..she said that everything is becoming real for her so she just wanted to slow things down.
Obviously, this is good. Time is your friend. Take this time to work on you (hopefully to CONTINUE to work on you).
Quote:
My wife said that her main issue was that she didnt want to have sex with me...no sexual feelings..she said she likes it when i hug her and that it feels good but it feels like a friend and not a lover.
A is a possibility (some will probably say likely). But, I can offer another possibility. I have heard the same things from my W - and read these same or similar words on others' threads.
My W is going through early menopause. Oddly (probably not), she began the "change" just before she says she started having questions about our M. I am NOT discounting the possibility that an A was or is present, but I have searched where there should be signs of an A, and the evidence just isn't there. And her behaviour is not consistent with an A either.
Any chance your W may be going through the "change" as well?
Also, a woman is not going to have "feelings" for a man (physical or otherwise) she does not respect. It has been a while since I read your sitch, but that issue is present in many of the threads here (including mine I velieve). I think the W in that sitch does not throw out or loose the "friend" feelings for the H b/c of children they have had together - no matter what, the couple will always have that tie.
thanks to all. while i thought she had an A and everyone and their mother (incl my mother!)thinks so as well i dont think she has. I know this sounds bizarre but i tried every trick in the book to try to catch her and havent been able to. she also swore on the lives of the kids that she hasnt.
as far as the menopause i find it unlikely.
I agree with AFWAW that it is a load of crap...but for the sake of arguement...lets assume no A and no menapause...I guess it is the lack of respect? I know my respect for her has gone way down...but i would still have sex
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
thanks to all. while i thought she had an A and everyone and their mother (incl my mother!)thinks so as well i dont think she has. I know this sounds bizarre but i tried every trick in the book to try to catch her and havent been able to. she also swore on the lives of the kids that she hasnt.
I didn't want to think that my wife had an affair either. Now, I'm not saying that she has but consider this. Women who go this route IMO appear to be more sneaky than men. Mine lied to my face many, many, many times about OM. I tried to catch my wife w/ every trick in the book as well and she still was able to hide it from me! Your wife knows you better than anyone and knows how you react to certain situations, as such, she will know what to say and how to say it to make you believe anything she says.
Lack of respect is where it starts! Be careful! I hope you are right and there is no OM.
Look for the obvious signs: New hairstyle or color? New clothes or dressing to accentuate? New workout program? diet? Listening to different music?
I saw these signs and thought that she was just trying new things--remember, 99% of people out there don't change for no reason--something is driving that change. Be careful! Look for the obvious! Use logic and keep your emotions out of it as hard as it is.
Last edited by AFWAW; 08/23/0901:14 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
not a clue and truth be told, getting burned out on all this nonsense. as a hypothetical, if no A, i would assume her not wanting to have sex can be anger on her part? boredom? i know after being together 10 years it loses the spice.
TR Rose T-10 M-6 H-39- W-36- S-4 D-1 Bomb 4/09 Blow up 8/09 1st thread 2nd thread 3rd thread
Time can be an ally. It can also be an excuse, a chance for WAW to catch her breath before the next round.
The pari-menopausal loss of sexual interest is possible, but the more likely culprit is the process itself - to be intimate means admitting you into her world in a way she thinks she wants you out of. An affair is another. In my sitch I hit the trifecta - menopause, "I'm done," AND affair.
Right now though, sex is the least of your concerns. 30 days to arouse her interest means major DB kung-fu, all under what will surely be a very gimlet eye. So start to roll.
