Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Oz,
I just finished posting to you when I came back and saw this! Let me know if that helps!

Oh, and there is probably an easier way to do this, but I attach threads the brute-force way (except in my signature; there I used tinyurl because I needed the extra characters). Here is how to do it:
-- Go to the place where you want to post the link to another thread. (This is the START page.)
-- Open a new window and pull up the page where you want people to end up when they click the link. (This is the GO TO page.)
-- Copy the url address in the box at the top of the GO TO page (highlight it and then hit control-C). (If the page you want to link to--your GO TO page--is a thread here on the DB site, the first part of the url will be http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/)
-- Go back to the START page and click wherever you want the link to show up on the page, so the cursor shows up right there.
-- Paste in the url address from the GO TO page (once the cursor is blinking in the place you want the link to appear, just hit control-V).

Now test it:
-- Click on the "preview reply" button while you're still on the START page.
-- The link should appear in red in your preview; if it does, you know it's a live link; if not, you lost something in transferring your url address.
-- Click on that red link and see if it takes you to the GO TO page as desired.

Presto! Hope that helps. The actions are a lot simpler than the explanation.

Let me know if you need further advice and I will do my best!

Peace,
Dawn

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dawn

I hope you are well.

I need to ask a favour again, how to tell H that I need him on the lease for the house for D & I due to the financial side of things, he said he would contribute but I need his income on the application to get it through, I don't want to sound needy or desperate though. Very delicate situation.

Many thanks for any help you can give.

Oz

[cat04]

Hey Dawn,

I have read a bunch of stuff you have posted to others and I have read your threads. You have grown so much.

I am curious about something. You keep mentioning H trying to push you over the edge. I don't think I disagree with you, but do you think that is the whole MLC thing or something else? Do you think he was trying to get you to behave as you have in the past so that he could "rescue" you or do you think he was testing your strength and growth? Just curious as sometimes I think my H does stuff to get me to act in ways that I used to, and I haven't done it.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Cat,
Thanks for posting to me! I like visitors. Thank you for saying that I have grown. Sometimes I wonder, myself, but I haven't gone back and re-read my threads or journals (no desire to revisit all of that at present), and it's hard to get that perspective otherwise.

I don't think my H wanted to "rescue" me, although he has a history of doing that in the past (he is totally convinced that he is codependent [which may or may not be true], and has been trying to break out of that codependency by pushing me away...and hooking up with a very young, needy OW). He has even told me basically that my well-being is no longer his responsibility (although of course I have been at this too long to take anything he says at face value).

It's definitely a combination of MLC madness/selfishness ("I want what I want when I want it, and I don't care what effect it might have on anyone else") and testing me. This is one of the ways that I do get hints of how much I have succeeded in changing: I don't react to him much at all any more, and haven't for quite a while. At least not to him directly, or to anyone else that I don't feel is "safe." I no longer say anything at all to him about suicide or depression unless he asks, and then I keep it extremely short and sweet and as calm and positive as possible. I rarely showed a lot of temper pre-bomb, but I did have passive-agressive issues, was mopey and sad a lot, and I did dole out a certain amount of criticism and requests for him to change. No more!

Hope that answers your question!

Peace,
Dawn

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dawn

Thought I would pop in to say hello and see how you are going.


Oz

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Oz, I'm doing okay. Trying to break out of my procrastination cycle and get through some of this enormous pile of work that I have waiting for me that's on a tight deadline. I'm reading, but trying to avoid my traditional massive posts, because I need to cut down on my time here and spend more of it on work right now. Always happy to talk to someone who is interested in what I have to say, though!

Last night I went to a going-away party for the friends who have been the biggest support to me through all of this MLC mess (they are moving out of state for job reasons). I'm very grateful they have been here to help me through the worst of this; I don't know what I would have done without them. Between that party and starting my piano lessons again following the summer break, a couple of days ago, this is the first time I've actually spoken to someone I know personally (as opposed to store clerks, etc.) in several weeks. I think I might still be a bit isolated...ya think?

I am still feeling very stuck, having trouble breaking out of some of these ruts I have created for myself...procrastination, totally screwed-up sleep schedule, spending too much time on the computer.

Okay, right now I am going to do just one thing to help me break out...I'm going to go take a shower and get some work done. Then we'll see. One step at a time; habits have a huge inertial pull, like trying to break out of a black hole from near the event horizon (my science background is showing here!). Don't have to do it all at once; just a little improvement at a time. Just concentrate on right now, not tomorrow or next week. Just right now.

Okay, pep self-talk finished. Going off to put it into action now.

Peace,
Dawn

[Concerned_Listener]

Dawn,
I get the impression you're a creative person, whose mind is always working. I'm on the other end of the spectrum, where I'm trying to open the creative spigot more, so I can balance my personality. Maybe we can help each other with our complementary strengths and struggles.

It does sound like you need more connection in your life. Two weeks of little connection isn't healthy. Even having regular contact with acquaintances will lift the mood, and bring joy into your life.

A disrupted sleep schedule is rough. My W struggles with that. I can be prone to insomnia where I wake up at 3PM and can't fall back to sleep. Otherwise, my sleep pattern is regular.

Keep up the effort, until you find the patterns that work for you, and then stick with them until they are a part of your life. And always allow yourself to be imperfect.

CL

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dawn

Sorry I haven't visited, our darn internet decided to go down on the weekend and I have had to wait till today at work to get online.

You sound like such a gentle soul who is very creative. It is sad that you don't have others personally to talk to on a regular basis.

Yes,the ruts that we get ourselves into are very hard to break out of but we really must put our minds to doing that.

As you have told me and you just told yourself, one tiny step at a time, is how you have to do it. You mention your science background, my D talks like that sometimes, she plans on working in the science field, so is always analysing analysing and analysing some more. Scientific people are very great thinkers I have discovered and also wise which is why I think I find your advice always has a calming effect on me.

I have had some breakthroughs both with myself, finding peace in my mind and heart and also breakthroughs (very very tiny) with H.

I hope today you are feeling well and hopefully have broken through at least one rut.

(((Dawn)))
Oz

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dawn

Just popped in to say hi and see how you are going breaking out of those "ruts" you were talking about.

(((Dawn)))
Oz

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, is anyone still out there? I haven't actually been on the forums in over a year and a half. I think I just needed to detach from all the pain on the boards and stop obsessing about the whole situation so much. I didn't really decide to go cold turkey, but the longer I was away, the more difficult it was to come back, since I knew I would have a lot of catching up to do.

I have been re-reading a few of my past posts (not a lot) and thinking that I haven't made a lot of progress since I was last here. I'm still fighting basically all the same battles as before. I haven't given up on my M, but I think it could be argued that I have given up on my life. I'm doing very well with detaching from H, but I haven't found much else to keep me going in his place. I periodically push myself really hard and get something accomplished, but I haven't found the key to sustaining interest and continuing. Gotta love depression.

I am losing my home of almost 19 years (the whole M), as my H does not want to keep paying for it after over 2 years of living elsewhere (for which I can't really blame him). It is going on the market this week. I have no idea where I am going to live after that, as I have no money (that's "eat popcorn for a week because I have no resources for getting more food" broke, not "oh, I might have to cut back on lattes for a while so that I can afford manicures" broke).

I have three cats whom I love dearly, two of whom are elderly (19 and 17), and one of whom is ill, so among other things, I haven't had a full night's sleep in about a year since my sick cat wakes me up to be fed every couple of hours. My mother is helping me financially so that my cats and I won't starve (although I'd much rather be self-supporting), and that has stirred up a boatload of issues between us regarding control, money, power, intimidation, and so on. I have been without medical insurance for over two years, ever since H was laid off shortly after he moved out, so I can't afford treatment for my depression (or much else). My H's best friend died last year at age 45 of brain cancer, and I can't tell you how many times I wished to trade places with him, or with anyone else who actually wanted the health and time I have but have no use for. I'm so angry that I probably have another 40 years of life to slog through, when I want it all over with NOW, and I can't talk about that IRL because people freak out, even people who don't like me. It's not fair that decent people who love life and have something to offer the world get sick or run over and die, and someone like me just keeps hanging on, ridiculously healthy, but a completely useless parasite on the human race, emotionally and financially. Did I mention that I have depression? I'm sure that's shocking news.

My business has been bringing in so little money (about half the poverty line) that I have started looking into the possibility of trying to find a part-time job, for the first time in almost 20 years, and this horrible economy has me so discouraged about the prospects that I have not really had the courage to even start working on a resume.

I am losing friends and relatives left and right--some to death, and some who have stopped associating with me for no apparent reason (which I assume is because they never really liked me in the first place, but who knows). My procrastination and time issues seem to be just as bad as they ever were (I have been trying to get my business website up and running for seven years now; I've made more progress in the last few months than in the previous 3 years, but it's still not ready).

I have learned not to talk much about my H, so I will just say that I trust God to be working on H and on resolving our situation, but I have seen no sign of it myself. I really think God has a lot of work to do on _me_ first. I believe that God sees H and me as M for life, regardless of what any human on earth might do or say, and am acting accordingly, despite everything. Nothing has been done legally, so we are still M, 2+ years after he moved out and 3-1/2 years after the bomb.

My big problem now is more or less what it has been all along: whether I can resist the temptation to end my life long enough to see what God has planned for my life down the road. I'm certainly not enjoying the view in this stretch of the path, and my depression makes it hard to anticipate a better future. I can't blame all the people who have dumped me, since I wouldn't want to be around someone who was such a drag either. That's probably why I spend so much time alone--I don't want to drag other people down with me.

Are there any positives? Hmmm. Well, I've just had some of my work published in a major national magazine, with full credit to me (although there's the issue about the unfinished website again). Other than that ... I've very tentatively made a few new friends, and occasionally I get a compliment like "You're so strong" or "You've grown so much" (if only you knew ...). I may be drowning in depression, but at least I have held true to my morals and values. I like to think I have been able to offer some comfort or help to a few people. I am more conscious about being kind than I used to be.

I don't know how much I will be dropping in here, because I'm much better about detaching from the M drama than I used to be, but I could use some more general support, and I do try to respond if someone posts to me.

May you receive what you most need today.

Peace,
Dawn