It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I got an e-mail this morning from the "guy" from the dating website, and I now strongly suspect that he doesn't exist!

In the last week, "we" have e-mailed a handful of times and there were a couple of things that made me wonder but nothing too concerning...... like asking about what kind of music I liked, when I had told him in prior e-mail.....said something to the effect that age and distance didn't matter when it came to love (which was weird because "he" was only supposedly 2 years younger than I, and lived in a city only 45 minutes away)...... but then the e-mail I had this morning, he talked about how great it is to live in CA (2 states away!)...... and he asked about about what kind of pets I had when I had sent him a pic of my dog in the e-mail he was replying to!!

Soooo...... I looked back in the e-mails for anything I may have given him that could be used for identity theft, and have taken steps to protect myself...... I didn't give last names, but I did use the first names of my kids..... and I had given my cell number, which can be looked up in a reverse lookup on-line.

I did a "fraud alert" with the Credit Reporting Agencies so that if anyone tries to get credit in my name, they will call me to verify it's me. Luckily, if that were to happen, they would not be able to get anything anyway, because we are in the middle of bankruptcy and therefore our credit is dismal anyway.

I don't use the kids names or dogs names in passwords to my accounts so I think I'm OK there. Because part of my last name is in my e-mail, and it's a unique name, I don't think it would be difficult for someone to find out what it is because as I said, we are listed...... so I have told my D24 and S18 to put a "fraud alert" on their Credit Report too, just to be safe. And yes, I called H too because if someone did a "records lookup" on me, there he is, so I told him to do the "fraud alert" just in case. He was very understanding and supportive, and even thought I was being a little over-paranoid, but better safe than sorry.

So...... well, I did say "time would tell" in my prior post..... I guess it did!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, now I'm confused...... I had a couple friends and my big sis read the e-mails from "the guy" and they are not sure that the seeming contradictions are necessarily significant. This person obviously has English as a second language (which is not an issue at all with me) but they think that I should not "cut it off" yet.......

I feel so out of my depth here. I have been with my H since I was 17. I have never really been single as an adult. As you all know, I am a "wear my heart on my sleeve" type of person, and it's hard for me to "reign it in". So, with some good advice from some smarter, more "grounded" people, I am going to back it down a notch, but not cut it off.

On other news, my L did the initial legal sep papers today and she will file them tomorrow. H and I had several contacts surround that, but it's all good. H had some issues with the verbage in the documents, and I said he could have a L of his own look at it, but in the end said he trusted me! It's really funny....... we are sorta like comrades going through this together.

I have a LOT to be thankful for, I know.

[hoosiermama]

ah, this is all very confusing, isn't it? I agree--I think it's wise to pull back significantly, wait and see. excellent that you've taken steps to protect yourself in a worst-case scenario.

one thought, and you can take it or leave it. if you've never been "alone" as an adult, and have been with H since you were 17, it might be a good idea to give yourself some solitude. delay seeking male romantic companionship and get to know yourself as you, not as xH's wife or your children's mother--just you. transitions are frightening and painful--believe me, I've been through enough of them to know that well--but consider being completely single for awhile until the grief subsides at least--for you. altho an online or long-distance relationship is something of a happy medium between nothing and full-on romance, it still allows you to be other-focused at a time when it might just be best to focus on yourself. but again, especially since I haven't exactly been taking that advice myself, feel free to take it or leave it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, Hoozh.

Actually, "he" e-mailed me again this morning and I have decided to cut it off. Too many inconsistencies, and I'm just not comfortable.

I hear ya about the "alone" time, and I am not so much looking for another relationship, although I am not closed to it either. I am just taking the initial steps to put myself out there and see what happens and grow, ya know? It's sorta the next step in my GAL program. But, actually I am not pursuing anything myself...... I might respond if something comes my way, but I am not making any overtures.....

[dl443322]

Hey S, sorry I havent called you back. Had a lot of stuff going on. I will call you soon.

I say, follow your gut with that guy. If something doesnt feel right, it's best to just end it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Still doing pretty good.......

I'm bored more than anything.... I am doing dance classes 2 nights a week, and Deep Water Aerobics once a week, and have plan to start Yoga once a week. So, I am keeping busy, but I still feel.....blah! I went to a free concert with S18 and my Mom on Thursday, but neither of them really liked the music (acoustic guitar), so we only stayed about an hour. My C suggested a slight bump up in my AD med, and my Dr agreed, so I started that...... I hope it'll help.

Things are going swimmingly regarding interaction with STBXH. He seems more than willing to help with anything I need. I have to say that, short of entertaining the idea of possible reconciliation, he is doing all in his power to "do right by me". I am very thankful for that..... but tomorrow is his birthday, and I sent him a short e-mail simply sayinging that I hoped he had a chance to do something "for him" that day (because he has told me he has to work at a job fair all weekend). He replied that he had plans and thank you..... it still makes me sad..... the distance and loss.

My sister is flying in next week for her annual visit. I am planning to take her with me for an overnight up to the "dream house" to see how things turned out with the work H and GF have done and to get my stuff that's still up there. I know it will be a difficult thing for me emotionally and I am glad sis will be able to be there for support.

Was thinking about going and hearing some live music at a local club tonight...... but didn't want to go alone. My friends all had other stuff going.

Blah Blah Blah.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a really good session with C today. Talked about H and our M a lot, and didn't cry at all. That's definitely progress for me!

C said something that really stuck with me. He said that the definition of intimacy is when two people can be vulnerable together. If one isn't willing to be vulnerable, one will never have true intimacy.

The truth is that H has never been able to be vulnerable. EVER! He has to be in control and if he ever feels even a little bit out of control, he can't stand it.

I told C that I would one day like to know what it feels like to be truly loved...... because I am beginning to see that I have never had that......

[dl443322]

Wow, S, that hits home. My h has never been vunerable that I have seen. Even when his father passed away. He has to be in control at all times. I think your h and my h are twins separated at birth - LOL!

Your time will come to have the kind of love you yearn for. It will happen when it is supposed to happen.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I went to the wedding reception for one of my dance teachers today. He remarried his ex. They've been divorced 9 years. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before, but I met H at a wedding reception.

I was fine, up until they did a dance for all the married couples during which they kept having people leave the floor as they kept going up in years married, until the longest married couple was dancing alone.....they had been married 50 years! And I realized that I will never have that. Even if I re-marry, the cances are slim that we would both live to almost 100. I'm just not that healthy. I cried all the way home and I wanted so bad to call H.....but I didn't.

When I got home, my neighbor was having a little "party" in his garage. He had some family members fly in today from Minnesota. Well, I went to get my mail, and my neighbors cousin came over and started talking to me. I was in my skirt and heels and he was really flirty. He was very drunk (as were all the guys in that garage) but it was flattering and I really appreciated it right then. My neighbor knows about my sitch (he and his wife caught me on a bad day last year and was very supportive). When my neighbor started talking to me about it and how I was, his cousin piped in with "It's his loss!" for which I had to thank him.

My sister is in town from Indiana and tomorrow my mom, sis and I are going up to dream property to get my things that are still up there. We will also do some wine tasting and go to the casino. H is up there with GF now but is leaving around noon. I told him I wouldn't be there until at least 1pm. I have NO curiosity to see GF......none at all!!

And the beat goes on......

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling pretty crappy and depressed. Had a busy week, with some good time with my sister. Having a very quiet uneventful long weekend.

My brother is here and he has been drinking. I had to tell him again that this was not OK with me! He is welcome any time so long as he is sober. He is a really good man and I love him dearly but I can't watch him do this to himself anymore.

I have really wanted to call H this weekend. I saw "Sound of Music" yesterday and cried. All those "Catholic" movies remind me of H. But, I know calling him would be a huge mistake. He is up at dream property with GF (and who knows who else).

Some day I would really like to know what if feels like to be loved and accepted and cared for for who I am. I see now that H has never been able to give me that and will likely never be able to do so for anybody. And even though I know this..... I still miss him and it hurts unbearably.

D24 came over yesterday to do laundry so I got great cuddle time with GD. That baby is the one true joy in my life right now.