First of all, Pearl, there is a good chance I am in Denver around 22nd of Sept...how do folks contact each other outside of this site without giving out #s/emails, etc? That could be fun to meet up, and I'm sorry you've hit a tough patch w BF. Hopefully things are better this weekend!
Second, what exactly is the 'gucci plan'?? I think it has to do with dating others but not exactly sure. In Boston my 3 good friends are married, and I don't have as much time to meet other single people...plus a lot know I'm still married so could be awkward - but I'm open to anything at this point. I realize I can't put all my eggs in one basket in terms of H coming around. I did tell H few months ago that I went on a date (after he was telling me he'd gone on a few), probably a bad idea, but he said "oh, i really don't care at all..." so i don't know that it would make a difference in his eyes, but maybe good for me regardless.
Stronger, in terms of the name change, to clarify, he NEVER said a thing about my changing or not changing my name before or after we got married...he never once brought it up. I initially told him i'd probably change within the year of being married, never did, and he never said anything. It wasn't until AFTER we separated that he told me I was never a 'team player' in our marriage b/c I didn't change my name and we had kept our finances separate. All this stuff is coming out now, that he had bottled up and never discussed w me. If it was so crucial/important to him then, I would have, b/c I planned to anyway once we started a family (which we both agreed we wanted to once he graduated from Business School).
I absolutely agree w you that you can come from vastly different backgrounds and still have a wonderful marriage. He and I were/are more similar in many ways than his family of origin. There were several past incidents when his family said racist/homophobic things around me (which I have little patience for)..I never said a thing to MIL but told H that I don't feel comfortable when his mother uses certain words. He told his mother not to say 'n' word or 'fag' around me and she responded 'well I have to walk on egg-shells around your hoity-toity wife?' ouch. they thought i judged them and i thought they judged me. again stuff that can be worked through, but he never really stood up to me in front of his fam (a bit of a momma's boy w a lot of complicated baggage from his bkgd, alcoholic father than walked out, mother than supported he and his sister on practically nothing). he came from nothing and has excelled in many ways, and I admire him for that, but he apparently thought that i looked down on him. and of course this stuff is coming out only after our separation..
Anyways, at his core he is a good guy w a wonderful heart, who just seems to have done a 180 in not a good way. It's so hard to hear family friends and college friends tell me how they could tell he always had 'puppy dog eyes' for me, or how in love he was w me in the early days. truthfully the first few yrs of our relationship and marriage, i'd probably say he was more into me in some ways than i was into him... i wanted more of a challenge and he seemed to be a homebody and wouldn't do as much fun stuff/...now he's doing all the stuff I wanted to do together since we've separated. I think there would/could be so much hope for this - I have been humbled and brought to my knees in many ways from our separation..but i don't think he's done the soul searching i have done in this time apart. I truly think he feels he's justified in his actions - that I did not appreciate him and he got sick of it, or he still needs to prove something to somebody. His overall maturity level (and this is from friends' perspectives) seems to have gone down being in school and the whole heady-ego thing from going to H. school (in Boston).
Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I do agree that I need to focus more on myself and remember the good in me.. I am trying to detach more and more..yes I still do love him very much, yes I have some hope..and I am very scared for his return. But I can honestly say I've felt more at peace w him out of the country...I was sick of his calling and asking for favors, or saying 'we should meet for dinner tonite'.. then i'd wait around and he'd never call! wtf? i think he clearly likes the control thing he's had in the past 8 months of our separation, given that he did not feel he had much during our marriage. it's not all my fault that he did not assert himself as much as he could, though i know i played a part too.
Thanks for listening. I wonder if I should bring up retrovaille at all when he gets back. I think i'll see what state he's in first. and i think if he calls i'll hold off on responding for a few days. He returns from Asia tomorrow (yikes!) but is in L.A. for couple wks I think before coming back east. I feel less confident around him, but hopefully I can hold onto this when he returns.
Love your thoughts on gucci and any other ideas per above. Sorry for the novel!! xo HHH
