W also asked me last night, when should we next take the boys to Disneyland? Then said maybe next spring... I don't know what this means, she's had this idea of us vacationing as a family even though we're seperated. But it's something I suppose.
She's talked about buying a bed - she's been sleeping on an air mattress.
Still work up at 4:00. Damn, I need some good sleep. Got samples of a higher dose of Ambien, guess I'll try that tonight.
She told me that she filed. Needed to know how I want to receive the paperwork.
And said the other thing was how to deal with the kids.
I asked her, why would you do this so quickly? She said she saw how her friend's H dragged it out and it killed her (different friend from last night).
I didn't say anything else. She asked, should I go? And I said Yep.
I'm so sorry for you. I think in your W's efforts to not drag this out it sounds like she's moving too quickly. I don't think that's ever good. But no matter how fast she wants to get this over with, I think dealing with Ls and court will drag it out some.
Your W clearly sounds conflicted to me. Just yesterday talking about a family vacation together? So maybe she feels like she has to rush this or she won't go through with it.
On the service of that, I don't know much. I was served by them mailing it to me. H didn't give me any notice although we were separated at the time, and it wasn't a complete shock, but still hard. I do think getting by mail would be 100% better than by a sheriff! and I'm glad she did give you warning.
About the kids and telling them? I've read in 100 places both parents should tell the kids together. My H preempted me and when I was out one night, sprang it on the kids. He tends to be not very good at communicating either, so I don't think that was good at all. I think it's better to try to go in united as possible and talk to them and be honest, but allow no blame.
I also think this process takes a while. No rush to talk to the kids today or tomorrow. Maybe you could take a week or two to research or read up on that (I never got the chance!) and that would also give you a week or two to be in a better place than you are today.
I don't think it's over for you. You still have time. I think one thing is your W clearly thinks these changes are temporary that you've made. I think you should keep sticking to the good changes you've made, I've told you before I think you need to do them forever, and I still think that. I know you've been careful to try not to pursuit, but I think you should work even harder on that. No more massages or rubs or whatever. They haven't been working, so I don't think you should. Completely back off and focus on yourself and the kids, but I do think you should be spending some time on the house (you talked about projects) and doing GALing in your case with the kids. Maybe use your music & exercise to deal with the stress.
I know in my case I seriously had no hope in my sitch, but you do!!!! Karen
I talked to my dad, he's disgusted. Tells me to get rid of her and make a fresh start. Go get a lawyer.
Well, I've been playing and singing this morning. Kids outside playing, that's good.
W went to Costo. Came back, knocked on my door. Asked if I wanted her to make me lunch, and put a bag of "Almond Crunch" on my desk.
What's this? I ask. Goodies she said. I just looked at her like she was crazy. Then I said. "No."
She looked upset, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Oh, thanks for snacks! Since you're in a giving mood, how about freaking WORKING ON OUR MARRIAGE.
It's occured to me to say, you've said you'll do anything for me. I know you think you're sure. But if you can do anything for me, then do this for me. Just put this off. Call this off and give me some time.
Thank you for the advice on the kids. I was of the mind of telling her, this is your problem to solve - but I don't feel right about that for the kids' sake. Thank you.
I'm truly sorry that you've gone through this too Karen. It sucks.
Yeah no more rubs. I'd stopped that anyway. I've got to get my mind right, and stop thinking about her.
Talking to my family, they're all pissed off. I've been talking to a friend I've made contact with from high-school, she's been through divorce. Feel like I need to reach out to more friends. But it doesn't help a lot.
She probably is kind of crazy, depressed, confused, all that. Funny/weird about the snacks for you. Oh, yeah, that'll make up for filing for D!
Do I think it's worth saying? If you feel you have to for some reason. Do I think it will help? No. She's obviously thought about this, been to a lawyer, filed paperwork,etc. She KNOWS how you feel.
I do think your dad is right about the L. You need to have a good L to protect yourself and your family. But, I wouldn't decide right now your strategy. I think it's too soon. You could try to rush it through; or you can have an L that will move slowly and putter & give you time (mine seems to work naturally like that!), or maybe a middle course between the two. Your L should do what you wish. But I don't think you should make that decision now. Enough to just find a good L, talk to friends, talk to L friends, etc.
I've heard many people recommend, easier said than done I know, but try to treat the D process as just a business transaction, don't get into R or D talks, say you'll let the Ls handle it. I think that's good for the R and the kids for you to try to have a level of detachment about it.
What's a good approach to selecting a lawyer? I've have results from a google search. Is there a good online resource which rates them, or is it a matter of going for a consultation and getting a feel for it?
Yeah well, you were right Karen. Another talk. Nothing's changed. She says time isn't going to change anything. She doesn't want to put me through stringing me along, that it would be disrespectful, taking advantage (since I'm putting so much into it), giving false hope.
I made the comment to her, I'm going to have to to get a lawyer. She says, you can talk to the attorney that drew up the papers - she's looking for a low-conflict process. Amicable is the word she used. She says, "you can have anything you want. You can have the house." Yeah, I said it - all I want is you. And she said, I wish I had that to give.
I asked her, how does she see this happening, you're talking about going to Disneyland - she didn't know. She's confused. No plans to move out... doesn't know what we can afford.
She says, and it sounds like you're not open to moving out. I said, no, this is your thing. And she wants the boys to stay in their home - but if she's going to be taking care of them, how does that work?
Yeah, when I asked her next steps, she said you need to tell me how you want to get the paperwork. I said, I don't want the paperwork. Later, when she said it again, I just said "go."
