I have just been in a funk this week I guess. I have been doing some reading here off and on, but not much posting. I have also been to the MB site and doing some reading there also.
I am staying home for the second weekend in a row. When he is out, I try not to think about the where and the who. This one is not the one I want anyway.
Still can't figure out what's going on with H. He came right home from work every night this week. He even passed me on the way home one night as I was sitting at a stop sign. He waved, beat me home, and carried groceries in for me. There was so much normalcy during the week THEN last night he didn't come home until 11:30. I did leave the front lights on for him. I still have a problem with that though. It's always a should I or shouldn't I whenever I go to bed. If I leave them on, am I giving him a message that I agree to his out and about prob with skank. Or turn them off with a H#*% with you attitude. I had to remind myself about the unconditional love GOD wants me to have for him.
I don't know if there is any trouble in paradise or not. I no longer do any snooping what so ever. I find it's better for my PMA.
He has been home so far today. I want so much to be in a Peaceful place. Wondering if he is leaving any minute puts me on edge. I want our M life back. I want our weekends back. I want him to take ME places again.
I need to stop looking at the situation and glancing at GOD instead of glancing at GOD and looking at the situation.
MJ We all want to be back in that place.it's just about finding our way.things can change from a split second.but our eyes and ears must overpower the the voices in our subconscious and our hearts. Hang tough,keep the faith and be stronger then he is.
God Bless
H 49 W 42 S 19 S 14 S 12 S 8 D 6 M 19 Bomb dropped 2/09 Separated 5/09 still hopeful, praying
I'm glad that you felt able to stay home another weekend! Progress, right?
I too have been in a funk this week and struggling with negativity. I guess I am just really fed up and realize how little I like the new H and how much easier in some ways it would be to just throw in the towel and walk away. But I know in my heart that is NOT the right thing to do for me, at least not now. It's just getting my head to agree as well.:) I CAN stick it out if need be.
Sounds like overall things aren't so bad at home - great that he is around today! I know the feeling, too, of wondering when H is going to just up and leave when he is around. Just can't predict it. And the porchlight thing - I go through that sometimes, too.
I just realized I said my above quote wrong. Should have said...
I need to stop looking at the situation and glancing at GOD and start glancing at the situation and looking at GOD.
Faith ~
I know what you mean about being fed up and how it would be so much easier throwing in the towel. In my case, H threw in the towel by filing 8 months ago. I had no input. All I got to do was respond 7 1/2 months ago.
I try not to think about the pending D. I "act as if" that never really happened. It will be what it will be. I do know one thing. GOD is with me, and he is on my side.
Oh yeah.....I have started looking more at God as well...it is the one reason I have been able to keep my sanity. I think you are doing was well MJ. I, too, am just acting "as if" and lately a part of me has started to actually feel "as if". I am a great catch........;)if I do say so myself.....and he...like any other person would have to win me back. He is losing a lot and the clincher in it is that "he doesn't even know it". I think their ignorance is partly what is hurtful.........but also, what is interesting. I have never been a girl who believes "ignorance is bliss". NO! I want to know and be informed. And I want to be with someone who KNOWS he wants to be with me!!!! My spiritual soul can accept nothing less!!!
Just wanted to check in with you. I got off early today.........around 4pm and yeah!! its still light outside and I have some energy! I hope you are doing well.......from your posts it sounds like you are going strong. Thank you for checking in on me. I really appreciate it.
Since your home early today... Fix yourself a good dinner tonight. Nothing frozen. Or, go pick up some take out from somewhere good. Maybe a movie afterward. Have you ever seen the movie Diary Of A Mad Black Woman? or Why Did I Get Married? both by Tyler Perry. They are really good. I have a good Christian friend who is black, and she got me into Tyler Perry's movies.
I was also thinking... How about getting a cat. A warm body that would be glad to see you when you came home each day. I know you live in an Apt, that's why I said a cat. They are more independant than dogs. A dog is good too, but more dependant on you.
Its a thought,the cat, but I am totally scared of animals...when I was 12, next door neighbor's dog attacked my sister and I ran after her and the dog with a bat.......and he almost bit her.....except the neighbor on the other side got to the dog and hit it....but, I just haven't seemed to be able to get over it.
Such great ideas. But, I ended up making mac and cheese! and sleeping for 2 hrs and then just reading up on some stuff. And wow! its 11pm! Gotta sleep. Another day of work tomorrow. I have Monday off this week. No idea what i'm gonna do....maybe I need to decide what to wear for the upcoming D.
BTW, I really like Tyler Perry movies. I haven't seen Why did I get married? I will check that out tomorrow after work.
By the way, how far is you D day...what is happening on that front? I was reading that you were still having some mixed vibes from him? Did I misunderstand? Is he being mean still? OK...my best hug for you!!
He was home all day on saturday. I kept thinking any minute he was going to up and leave but he didn't. We had a nice day. We made ice cream sundaes in the afternoon, and made dinner together in the evening. We even ended up watching a movie together. Then we went off to our separate rooms. (sigh)
Then came sunday... Not so good. (sigh) He got on the Harley around 9:00 and was gone for hours. Just before he left, I could hear him talking to someone on his cell in the bedroom. I don't think he was talking to skank, since he has never done this before. He finally rolled in at about 5:00. A rainstorm was moving in, so he probably wanted to get home before it hit. I don't know if he was in town, or was out of town and made it home just in time before the storm. I made dinner, and he ate. I was surprised, as I thought if he had been with the skank he would have ate with her.
Then I got an idea! I was surprised I never thought of this before. On our Harley, there are foot rests for the passenger. They turn up out of the way, when there is no passenger. Last time he came home on the bike the foot rests were up. So I thought, if they were riding together they might be down. I decided I wasn't going to look that night. I wasn't up to the heartache. I even told myself I wouldn't look when I left for work the next morning. The bike is parked next to my car in the garage. Well... I go to get in my car, and I take a quick glance! Foot rests were left down. (sigh) Needless to say, I had a sad ride to work that morning. I was sad all day. He even came home last night later than he had recently been. He was hungry though. He made himself a plate of what I had for dinner, and even ate it in the livingroom where I was. He is late again tonight. (sigh)
I can't figure him out. But I guess none of us can figure our H's out. He comes close, he moves back. I don't like this dance.
I read something in the MLC archives tonight. Someone wrote... When is my H going to realize ow is Fools Gold and I am the Real Gold.
I pulled myself right back out of the pit, and am staying strong. I am going to treat H like I did when we first met. A friend. I did not pursue him then, and I will not now either. I will just continue to be nice to him whenever he is around. Maybe one day H will wonder "what in the world am I doing." Maybe one day H will wonder "what am I losing." Maybe one day H will wonder" how did I lose her." Maybe one day H will wonder" where did she go."
I know what you mean about the dance and trying to figure them out. It is impossible. We are definitely in a pull back mode after some positives it seemed.
I'm sorry your weekend was so up and down. Just think of the ups though!!! He was home with you all day Saturday!
It's ironic because it seems like some of our realizations/progress have been parallel. I too have finally come to the conclusion that I need to just be his friend but right now a kind of distant one. He will have to lead. I will just be friendly and kind with no expectations.
