My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

By the way, RSF, I can't add to what others have posted here (such wonderful, thought-provoking advice from everyone) Just wanted to say I totally admire your ability to confront your wife with the desire of a reconciliation. I think a good portion of the WAS's discussed on these forums may have those feelings some day, but will never ever share them with the LBS. So sad.

Thank you NewGal. I appreciate the reassurance. A lot of days its really hard to keep going. I feel like I don't even deserve another chance because I caused it all and I hurt her very much. It would be so much easier to move on my with my life. But I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try because a truly lover her. So then I have no idea how long I should I should hold on.

[RedSoxFan]

Is it OK to tell her I love her once in a while?

[MrBond]

Nope.

Let me put it to you this way. If you were in your W's shoes and she saw how you messed around on her. How would it sound like hearing that you loved her just when she found someone else?

Better yet, you TOLD her you were through and flaunted the OW in front of her. The ILY would just piss her off.

If you are dead serious about loving her, you'll give her the space she needs to trust you again.

[RedSoxFan]

But she has already told me that she believes that I love her and care about her. She says too much damage was done. I just want her to know and keep it top of mind. It is so hard to do this. I fall asleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her.

Honestly, I just can't find balance in my head with this.

I walk out so I should have no rights but I love her and want to save our marriage. Everything I feel or want to do is so confusing because one voice is saying fight because this is your last chance, fight like h#*%. The other voice is saying you don't deserve to even be in the room with her. And the other voice is saying be patient if you love her...don't hurt her any more.

It just breaks my heart...where was all of this 10 months ago or two years ago when I needed it? I've opened this door to all these emotions that I had been doing a great job of suppressing my entire life.

[MrBond]

That's your whole problem. Since the beginning, you've made it all about you. How YOU had the affair. How YOU were going through issues. How YOU told her to essentially piss off.

Stop thinking about YOU for a change. Now it's her turn and her feelings. For once start thinking about HER feelings and not about you.

I've been at this for over a year and my W is just starting to turn around. You're going to need alot more patience and understanding through her eyes to succeed.

All I here is you whining about how much YOU hurt. After you dragged her life through hell. Let her go and detach. Let her see you've changed and get to trust you again.

It's out of your hands for once. For once, she's calling the shots of what happens in her life. Start thinking about HER life. HER needs for a change and see what happens.

Sounds harsh, but karma's a bitch.

[RedSoxFan]

It doesn't sound harsh at all Stuck. You're exactly right. Thank you

[Kalni]

OK I will attempt to share my POV on your story. I am like your wife. stbxH left me, had an affair, I begged, pleaded and DBed SUCCESSFULLY for 1,5 years, so succefully that I dettached completely and fell in love with someoene else. What a surprise, stxH asked back when I was looking and feeling happy, friendly with him, coparenting in good terms and planning my furtue.

It took me a month or more to decide if I would agree to such an effort. I NEVER felt I cheated on my stxH. Keep that in mind. There is no guilt in your wife's head, there shouldnt be. She gave it her all and you ignored her. She grieved and got over you. Sure there are lingering feelings for the father of her kids, maybe even more. But, the same man is the one that hurt her and the kids and was disrepectful and a jerk (sorry).

I decided I would give it a try. It wasnt an easy decission. My stbxH said the words. I faught the issue of trust, of opening up again to him, of making myself vulnerable. Of allowing him to pottentially hurt our kids again. I hurt someone else.

10 months later (3 weeks ago) with no evidence from stxH that he meant what he said, I found out he truth about the affair. From that point on, I dont think you can relate.

Let me tell you what would matter to me if I were in your wife's shoes:

connect with her thru the kids, be the best father you can be, it's a pro the OM cant fight

do not push and demand that she "understands/gets" you are serious just because you say so

the only way IMO she will get it and maybe give you a chance would be if your actions showed you have really changed

to achieve that you need to give her time, too much damage has been done to just wish she would leave it in the past at your call

DO NOT attack in any way the OM. I dont care if he pushes or whatever. YOU opened the door to him, NOT her. When she found someone she cared for, you were long gone. Any attempt to blame him or her choice will backfire and IMO is stupid an unffair. You snoose you lose.

I would have LOVED to have seen my H, to behave with degnity, determination, passion and maturity regarding our M. Time to be a MAN even if that means you accept you lost her. How you do that, matters. Even at the so to speak "last moment" before the end, it could make a difference

I would test his resolve, everyday, even if I didnt mean to

I will try and think some more if you think it is useful for you. I wish my H had your lightbulb moment and a forum to advise him...
Good luck
K


PS Guys, please, respect his wife. What is this BS about being M and dating? The woman was an LBS that did all she could. And I dont think any of us can blame her for moving on with her life. If she was posting here, what would you advise HER to do AFTER she felt calm and maybe happy?

[Kalni]

stuck,
loved your last post.
K

[RedSoxFan]

Kalni,

Thank you so much. This is very helpful and *please* share more thoughts if you can spare the time.

I honestly am still in disbelief at how awesome the people on this forum are. I've always been a guy who keeps things close. I have only a few close friends and don't share much. This is all new to me.

I wish I had had this forum 1 1/2 months ago when I was begging and grovelling and calling my wife at OMs house. My actions didn't help things much I suspect.

And yes, at that time I did bash him. He's polar oppositie of me in just about every way. I pleaded with her to see that he wasn't good enough for her..on and on...I'm ashamed of that. I have been very selfish.

[RedSoxFan]

PS Guys, please, respect his wife. What is this BS about being M and dating? The woman was an LBS that did all she could. And I dont think any of us can blame her for moving on with her life. If she was posting here, what would you advise HER to do AFTER she felt calm and maybe happy?

I don't know about everyone else but I have tons of respect for my wife. I also feel that it's not fair to the kids to immerse them in OM's life and family, etc. so quickly. I didn't come at that without much thought, deliberation and consultation with my C and C's colleagues who specialize in children. I've read many books trying to understand separation and divorce. Everything you said about W is true. I left, I forced her to move on, she should feel no guilt. But I still pray every night that she can find it in her heart to forgive and trust me again.