Sad to be back

[AnotherNightmare]

Thank you for your input, Sara.

I have been thinking about contacting the Retrouvaille leaders. W has stopped dialoging. I have communicated to her how I feel about the whole situation. And there is no point in lecturing her about my POV again, which is consistent with Retro's POV, consistent with what PD wrote and consistent with so many websites: there has to be NO CONTACT for our M to make any progress. W disagrees with that. When I tell her that it hurts me or I feel devalued by what she just said, she tells me that is because of your childhood, it is not because I mean it that way. I do not argue about that anymore. Either she eventually understands or she does not. It is out of my control.

I would like to join her for the C sessions, but it is her decision. So far she has asked me to come with her only twice. The first time her IC suggested it, the second time she wanted to get a point across (the one about respecting her privacy). She does not think she has to earn my trust back. She thinks I have to trust her, so she can feel safe. On the other hand, she tells me she does not trust me. I am at a loss. I do not think I have ever seen more self-righteous behavior than hers right now. It takes all my strength not to engage in any resentful behavior again. I constantly have to remind myself not to argue with her.

Since I collected all her e-mails with OM for the first two months (mainly as evidence for a D and custody battle in court), I read one specific e-mail again. I remembered that at one point OM got pissed off because of what she had written. He told her flat out that she hurt him a lot and said good-bye. I read her reply: no apology, only a whole bunch of defensive crap (which OM, of course, willingly accepted just like me 19 years ago).
So I went back to some of the letters W and I had exchanged during the first couple of months of our R. Same kind of language from her side, I guess I never realized what I was dealing with: a person who is always right and never apologizes. She actually said during one of our fights in Nov or Dec last year: "I have always been right."

I know this sounds whiny and maybe a bit resentful. I have not had a chance to vent for a while. I need to get out of the house and talk to some of my buddies again, but I have had a few minor health issues unrelated to this, so I felt too tired to go out a lot.