OK I will attempt to share my POV on your story. I am like your wife. stbxH left me, had an affair, I begged, pleaded and DBed SUCCESSFULLY for 1,5 years, so succefully that I dettached completely and fell in love with someoene else. What a surprise, stxH asked back when I was looking and feeling happy, friendly with him, coparenting in good terms and planning my furtue.
It took me a month or more to decide if I would agree to such an effort. I NEVER felt I cheated on my stxH. Keep that in mind. There is no guilt in your wife's head, there shouldnt be. She gave it her all and you ignored her. She grieved and got over you. Sure there are lingering feelings for the father of her kids, maybe even more. But, the same man is the one that hurt her and the kids and was disrepectful and a jerk (sorry).
I decided I would give it a try. It wasnt an easy decission. My stbxH said the words. I faught the issue of trust, of opening up again to him, of making myself vulnerable. Of allowing him to pottentially hurt our kids again. I hurt someone else.
10 months later (3 weeks ago) with no evidence from stxH that he meant what he said, I found out he truth about the affair. From that point on, I dont think you can relate.
Let me tell you what would matter to me if I were in your wife's shoes:
connect with her thru the kids, be the best father you can be, it's a pro the OM cant fight
do not push and demand that she "understands/gets" you are serious just because you say so
the only way IMO she will get it and maybe give you a chance would be if your actions showed you have really changed
to achieve that you need to give her time, too much damage has been done to just wish she would leave it in the past at your call
DO NOT attack in any way the OM. I dont care if he pushes or whatever. YOU opened the door to him, NOT her. When she found someone she cared for, you were long gone. Any attempt to blame him or her choice will backfire and IMO is stupid an unffair. You snoose you lose.
I would have LOVED to have seen my H, to behave with degnity, determination, passion and maturity regarding our M. Time to be a MAN even if that means you accept you lost her. How you do that, matters. Even at the so to speak "last moment" before the end, it could make a difference
I would test his resolve, everyday, even if I didnt mean to
I will try and think some more if you think it is useful for you. I wish my H had your lightbulb moment and a forum to advise him... Good luck K
PS Guys, please, respect his wife. What is this BS about being M and dating? The woman was an LBS that did all she could. And I dont think any of us can blame her for moving on with her life. If she was posting here, what would you advise HER to do AFTER she felt calm and maybe happy?
