(oops...continue) ....I walked away, not angrily, just letting it go. When he sarcastically said, "Why don't you help me - oh I guess the answer is no" which in the past would have made me angry and feel he was being even more insensitive, I did a 180 = I said "How can I help you?". He needed help on a map, so remembering he's felt neglected, I helped him. He seemed to like that and so did our four year old who also chimed in to help (and hug) us.
When he left saying he didn't have time to put our son to bed I 180'ed - I said that's fine, go ahead, have a nice night. I honestly wasn't even resentful. I felt I'd rather have him gone than here and angry.
When leaving - and here's where the tiny button was pushed toward escalation that I had to catch - he said "See you Sunday - or maybe tomorrow, I don't know" as he was walking out the door! Even though my internal alarms started going off, (how rude, how unfair, how insensitive) I said, "I need to know the schedule (of visiting our son) farther in advance." He said something blaming - like I was the one who was sick all week and wanted things flexible - so I said well call me when you can to figure out the schedule.
THAT WAS A 180 = I would have usually felt indignant that he was flaking out on the schedule. This is a common trap - he flakes out on telling me when he will come over to be with our son, then I get upset, then he gets rude, then I raise my voice, then we are fighting and it goes nowhere. My 180 = I let it go. I decided if I didn't see him until Sunday, I would not show it bothered me, I would show GAL and I would just bring it up in therapy. I would not get into an argument.
The final part - he did call a half hour later, to my surprise. Even more surprising HE WAS CALM. He has been in full attack mode for months - this was a real change in his response. Instead of complaining, begging, explaining, etc, I 180'ed = told him calmly that "If I had said see you in two days when you had our son you would be livid." He calmly got my point. That's a change. He reassured me he "didn't mean to say see you in two days" and then started explaining his schedule and the things on his mind and that he had to juggle and why he didn't know if he could come over Saturday night (tomorrow) or not. This is new. He has been so angry and defensive, he's just exploded at any mention of what he is doing and why lately. He let me in people. He thawed. It was truly a miracle.
Then back to usual.
I said "ok, what time tomorrow (Saturday) should we talk to discuss the plan for the evening?" He suddenly explodes. "Oh get off it!" and "Why do you have to know every detail?" and other rude comments. This is how he's been for months. But my 180 = i told him to do what he needed to do and that it didn't matter to me. Not in a vindictive way, it really is not worth the anger. It mattered a lot more when he would talk to me like that when my son was four months old and I was exhausted from round the clock feedings and no sleep. But I didn't remind him of past hurts either. That doesn't help.
Sorry for the long posts - but man, I'm proud of how I handled it.
