@Giving - I got "Dance of Anger" today from library. Great book about changing the anger cycle. I also got DB again - will check "Controlled Fights" THX!
@Virtual, Painful, Stronger - working hard on changing my side of the fights. doing 180's - babystep progress every day. It's not just stopping the yelling always. I agree with the walk out and talk later strategy, but lately it makes him more enraged, blaming, abusive. It's why I said earlier I try to sit still with all the panic and alarms running through my veins. Yes, ideally I should walk away and say we'll talk anything through when calmer, but his response is to escalate, raise his voice, and deny "I'm not yelling!" "I am calm!" "You're just trying to ......(fill in the blank accusations)" etc. My goal is to de-escalate, so I'm still in a quandry here - will discuss with MC if H returns Monday to our app.
Sometimes, I have to sense it coming before it escalates. That is trickier because it is less obvious, but I have to resist the temptation to explain my position, ask him to speak nicely, ask him to consider my point of view. Although this seems counterproductive to a "healthy" relationship, it actually escalates things somehow and eventually he gets angrier, then I get angry, then he blames me then I blame him for starting it in the first place then we're nowhere.
Tonight I proudly did some 180's with beneficial effects: - He had earlier said he'd put our son to bed, but when the time came he was on his computer. This usually upsets me because I feel he is ignoring us, not keeping his word, not respecting how tired I am from being with our son all day, etc. When I asked if he still intended to put son to bed, he got upset. My 180 = I
