A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Odd day.

First it was the Day of Defunct Devices. Woke up to no internet (horrors!) courtesy of a defunct router. Paced around until tech came. H was smarter and worked in his garden. Left for 11 am meeting when the check engine light came on in my car. Then, despite topping a three-quarter charge, my cell phone drained its battery dry during my 3 hr meeting, beeped pitifully and turned itself off.

Got home in a serious frazzle as I do not have the funds to fix any of these devices and their antics made me behind in my work, incommunicado with both my boss and my dad who is trying to coordinate a truck tomorrow to deliver my earthly goods into a storage unit up here.

H not only listened to me vent, but invited me to vent. He listened sympathetically. He validated me. He said anybody would be stressed under those conditions. He called me reasonable. (During the Bad Time, his pet names for me were 'demanding' and 'unreasonable'.)

Somebody call Area 51 because the Pod People stole my husband.

He upgraded our DSL to a more expensive plan - more on this later.

The hugs are getting more and more personal. A hand in my hair one time, fingers wrapping round my ribs another. And he's offering them w/o me asking.

He asked if he could join me sitting on the couch. And we talked - not about anything in particular, just talked.

I asked what his plans were for the evening, and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said yes.

He invited me to go to the beach after work with him and kidlet and then sat hip to hip, elbow to elbow with me on the sand while kidlet played in the water. And we talked some more.

I made dinner and he raved about my 'flair' for cooking and he did so in this 'really thinking about it' way - you know, when they stop and look at you sort of like they've never actually seen you before?

Then we had the world's strangest psuedo-R talk. It started about money - I don't remember exactly how. Oh yeah - groceries. The cupboards are a little bare, which prompted the comment about my cooking. Using produce from the garden, I made a whole meal with only two purchased items - 1 can of refried beans and some tortillas. I added onions, red pepper, lettuce and tomatoes. Oh, yeah - and cheese, so three purchased items.

So, I mentioned that I would help with groceries. He demurred, saying feeding me was the least he could do, I ate so little, etc. I said that while kidlet and I were staying with him, I couldn't see a reason for him to continue paying child support. Again, he demurred, but I insisted. So he said that if he wasn't going to be paying child support, then he'd be able to keep the internet upgrade he'd just ordered. (Note that he ordered it before I said the thing about no child support and helping with expenses, and weight all of this against 'complete financial separation' a few weeks ago. Here kitty, kitty.)

Then he went into the strange part. I can't quote all of it, but it was all about how I'm building a foundation, and helping me do that and being there for me is something he really wants to do. That he just couldn't see me moving into this new phase of my life in debt or anything like that, and if it took awhile before I could help with expenses, that would be ok. And afterall, we don't have a written agreement about it anymore. (It, what?? Child support? The divorce? It sounded more like child support...)

So.. I have no clue what that all meant. I don't think it amounted to "I'd really like it if you'd stay for good."

Possible Translation #1: "You still have to move out, but maybe not so soon... like, it would be ok if it took more than 30 days...you know, because I want to be there for you."

Possible Translation #2: "I'm conflicted as hell and I have no clue what I'm babbling about."


So we ate dinner, we watched Meet the Robinsons under the same blanket on the couch, about half of it with kidlet under the blankie, too. Then he went and read to kidlet before bed, and I covertly listened to them from my spot in the LR (very sweet!) while I watched the stars through the window.

Last night was the first clear night here in a long time, so I decided to take a second step out of my comfort zone.

I asked him to come look at the stars with me. This is a big deal because it happens snuggled together in the hammock and usually involves making out at a minimum and LM at best. And there was no kidlet in the hammock like last time.

He.

Said.

Yes.

I expected him to bring his own blanket (so we wouldn't have to touch) but he didn't so we both got under mine. And he snuggled against me and nestled his head against my shoulder. When the shock wore off, we both turned our eyes to the heavens and... there were no stars! In the scant 8 minutes it took us to go from tucking kidlet in to the hammock, the sky had clouded over. DOH!!!

We laughed about it, and even with no stars, he nestled back against me. Alas, without the surface reason for being out there, namely the stars, he decided he was tired and should go to bed. But he promised me 'there would be other nights.'