Thought I was over this

[Dia]

I would say light, casual and just trying to have a good time are the way to go. Probably too early yet for overt family stuff (but if it happens on its own, enjoy it) or one-on-one.

Let her come to you.

[C-Bart]

Patience is a verb too! Thanks for stopping by.

[Dia]

LOL!! And patience is the zen of action.

I've been thinking I need to change that quote, btw. It was my motto back when I felt like H wasn't doing a darn thing to work on or save our marriage, or if he was, he was doing it like a pouty 4-yr-old. (My other motto was a song by Jo Dee Messina - My Give a Dam%'s Busted.)

Another fave of mine is this:

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it."

[C-Bart]

Spent the evening talking with W today. Nothing special just conversation. All upbeat positive stuff. We are talking more now that when we were together. Neither of us seem to want to stop talking. None of the conversation is around the R. All general what you up to stuff. Why do I feel so empty after talking to her? Just empty, sad and lonely. Tonight I feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out.

[aliveandkicking]

Because you want a whole R...a W who is truly a W.

I've been there. I thought it was trite when people told me it would get better. But, truly, it does.

Unfortunately, in my case, not just detaching but cutting contact down to almost exclusively kid/money related has aided me greatly in gaining more than a modicum of sanity and even happiness. I just couldn't handle the one-sided R anymore.

I don't know enough about your sitch to know what you need to do right now but how is the detaching going?

[C-Bart]

This may be a contradiction but it seems like when I detach, i.e. a month ago I was moving forward with the D, I felt wonderful. Then what happened is I started to notice a change in my W. Very big changes like she was more comfortable being around me. Reaching out more. Opening up more, etc. This actually sucked me back into thinking things could change and they have somewhat. Like I said the conversations are good but not satisfying. Kind of like eating a rice cake. Yes its food but not really a meal. That event actually pulled my back into DB and lead to a couple of DB coaching sessions.

Maybe I need to detach again without driving the D.

Here's a strange thing that happened today. W dropped some items of for S7 school project early this morning after work (2:30am). In the bag was a card, not in an envelope or signed but a new, blank card. The card had fireflies on the front and inside said "lately my thoughts have been buzzing around about you". W texted with explanation of the content of the bag, not the card. She then called (I didn't talk to her) to explain the contents of the bag and to apologize for not doing more. Called again at 11am to explain and added that the card was so S could use the fireflies for his project. When she came by to pick up kidos she took the card with her. I asked what the real story was with the card and she explained it again as before. I said that was to bad cause it would have been a nice card to receive, signed and in an envelope of course lol. She actually said maybe that she intended to do that but was just to tired. Added that maybe she would save it and give it me once I forgot about it.

I just stopped myself from deleting the previous paragraph. That card should not have bothered me if I was truly detached. Or maybe I miss-understand detachment.

She also said it sounds like I am doing well. And that tonight was a nice evening and that she enjoyed talking to me. Kind a repeat of what she said to me on my b-day. 5 days later she was filling out D papers.

[aliveandkicking]

This may be a contradiction but it seems like when I detach, i.e. a month ago I was moving forward with the D, I felt wonderful.

No, it doesn't sound like a contradiction. It is the wonderful reprieve from having your heart and mind smacked around like a tether ball.

The card bothered you cuz you're human but you know you shouldn't have said anything or put her on the spot. She said the card was for the project and I would believe that (being really straight with you here). But that little comment was a bit needy.

Take it from me and I pass NO judgement because I readily ate the morsels that H gave me for a long time. Only you can decide which path to take. Either one requires you to refrain from making comments like that and a degree of detachment. One path is to completely move on and cut her down to only "friendy" talk limited to kids/finances and you keep it brief and end convos first. Other path is to do no pursuing but try to build on the R you have with no expectations. I think either path is very challenging but have found much more peace and progress in my life with detaching and moving on...it doesn't mean I don't care, it means I am dealing with reality.

I support you doing either one. Just know that the building path is so slow and you have to really be disciplined and give it time.

I am more in the Gucci camp at this point (at least in my sitch). I spent many months trying the other and I am moving on with my life and with the D and if reality changes, perhaps I will reconsider but it will be my choice...

I'm curious as to what the coach advised.

[C-Bart]

The DB coach was more on the second path. First step was to give her space while I got a life. Also to keep things positive and show that I am happy in my new life. Next step was to become friends again and to build W up with supportive comments. Main reason for this is I have been less than supportive in certain areas, mainly parenting in the past.

Now I am in phase 2 and W is receptive but still fully armed. Maybe it is a patience thing. I'm looking for results and seeing nothing.

BTW. I agree that my comment about the card was very needy. Sounds like I need to go back in the GAL lab.

[C-Bart]

I'm getting better at this single dad stuff. All three kidos made it to school on time (even were dressed!). They had breakfast. Got themselves dressed. Even picked out their own clothes. S9 had a quick attitude that was addressed lovingly. S7 had a hard time separating at his classroom but was able to work through it with a little help from yours truly.

I am truly blessed! It is going to be a fantastic day!

Best quote I heard this weekend from a friend. "You think your going to change your W's selfish attitude? That is the most arrogant thing I have ever heard!"

[C-Bart]

I spoke to soon. Just had to take DOG15 to vet with 4 broken bones in his foot. W stopped by on her way to work, constantly looking at the clock. Poor dog is scheduled to be put down tommorow as I want to give kidos a chance to say goodby. Today I can not stand being in the same room as W. She won't say anything or initiate any conversation other than - nice weather. After W left, vet asked if there was anything else she could do for me. I just let out a spontanious "I hate that woman!"

Now I shift my focus to helping my kidos through this chapter. I will be a rock for them today. I will make the best of the day.