I have been pulling away and H is feeling it. Yesterday texting asking "what is going on" and "talk to me". Just told him I have some things on my mind. That's when he says "talk to me". I say I would like to talk if he would like to schedule a time to do that sometime next week but I'm not doing it via text. That was yesterday, today he is helping around house and kinda withdrawn like he's preparing for the inevitable lecture about what a f*** up he is.
I don't know exactly what I want to do/say, but I feel like I need to do something. I am so tired of being in limbo land and waiting for him to take action to get help with addiction. I think I have excused so much of his behavior because I know he is sick and I have stayed in this marriage because I hope that once he does get help things will go back to being good. When I actually think of all that has happened I have NO IDEA why I am still here. I know he loves me and he makes an effort in some ways to help around the house and get along, but there is absolutely no honor or respect.
I am pretty sure along with EA with OW he has probably has some PA, one night stand, whatever stuff in this past year while we have been seperated. I had a total epiphany as I sat in the Dr. office the other day and was asked about possible exposure to STD's and I had to say it is very possible because I have no idea what he has been doing. I am mad at myself for ignoring that possibility and putting myself in a position to be exposed by having physical contact with him. But, I am a woman and I have needs and we have been apart for a year and I don't want to be with anyone else and it goes against my morals to do that anyway. I am totally rambling. I guess it just struck me that I am 37 years old and have been with the same man for the past 15 years and I am having to get tested for STD's. Makes me want to throw up. And the worst is, I will probably never know because he will never own up to his behavior.
Why is it I'm hanging in here again????? Oh ya, because I love this man with all my heart and I believe in marriage. I really believe that God has a plan for my life and for some reason I am still here. I pray daily that he will show me the way and make it clear and take my love away if I am not suppose to be hanging in here with this man.
Sounds like you're having a tough night. Sorry for that.
I just got caught up on your thread. I take it your H has not done anything to resolve his addiction issue. Volleydog's earlier post in your thread is, unfortunately, correct - your H has to want to get better. No one else can do that for him.
The fact he is still reaching out to you is a good sign, I think. But I understand your concern about what to do given his apparent reluctance to get treatment.
It appears your H responds well to enforced boundaries. Why not make the tratment a boundary. Do not have contact with him if he doesn't start treatment by a date certain. And tell him this.
None of us here know how our situations will turn out. But, we can all grow stronger with the advice and techniques here.
Keep praying. It has been a big deal for me. Each time I thought I couldn't go on, I prayed for strength, courage and patience. And they just came.
I can't tell you what to do or what is a right or wrong decision. Only you know the answer. And you may not know it right now.
Just hang in there for YOU. I will be praying for you.
GIMA- I was kind of thinking the same thing about some kind of boundary around a date. I feel like he will just continue to delay forever if not. It's easier to stay numb than deal with your issues. But, I also have heard it won't work if he isn't the one to want it.... I don't know, it's so confusing. I guess if he want's to be with his family then he will see the benefit of getting treatment. I think someone asked me before if he had done any treatment and he did a 14 day in patient in August (OW took him, isn't that so sweat). But he relapsed shortly after. It was an aversion focused treatment and he really needs IC. He's got some really intense pent up stuff going on. Wouldn't be surprised if he was abused as a child or something that he has repressed. He says he knows he needs to get help but doesn't know if it will help and then just doesn't call. I could call for him but I thought that would be "co-dependent" behavior. I may offer this when I set the time boundary and see what he says.
Just another thought about setting a boundary. I filed for legal separation in April and he wouldn't sign final documents. Said he didn't want it, didn't agree with terms, etc. I have kinda let that go in the last month, but it's something I'm not willing to continue to ignore if he isn't moving toward getting better. So, that can be part of the boundary. If you haven't started IC by such and such date I will continue with legal process and finalize legal sep. That will be expensive and I'll have to hit my family up for help, but it needs to be done. I need help with wording. Whenever I have tried this in the past I just sound like his mom which is a long standing issue in our M. Any ideas anyone?
Finally caught up with ur sitch. Like others have said H has to want to take action and at this point there are no indicators to suggest he will take the much needed action.
I think the three guidelines you set intially are really positive for you and your s. I'd stick with those. I think I'd be attempting to get the legal side of things sorted as well. His reluctance, whether it's because of the marriage ending or the financial ramifications may just be the point that assists him to find the help he needs.
This is a challenging position for you and I can only applaud your calm restraint and positive thinking.
Why is it I'm hanging in here again????? Oh ya, because I love this man with all my heart and I believe in marriage. I really believe that God has a plan for my life and for some reason I am still here. I pray daily that he will show me the way and make it clear and take my love away if I am not suppose to be hanging in here with this man.
CP-
I know exactly how you feel. Tonight I'm wondering why I'm hanging on. It's so hard sometimes.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Anyone have ideas for how I can word things to husband about boundaries and just being tired of where things are at. There are a few points I want to get across. First, that I love him and want out marriage to work, that I don't want to continue to wait on him and live my life in limbo land while he continues to drink and do ????, that I don't like that I am a 37 year old married woman and I can't ML to my husband without having to worry about STD's, that I would like to see XYZ by a certain time or I am going to proceed with the legal separation. I honestly don't have any idea how we could even begin to rebuild any trust back into the relationship, but I am cleat that there will be no chance unless he get's into IC for his addictions. That is the first step. I don't feel so desperate anymore that I am going to loose him. I'm not sure what I feel...kinda numb I guess. I mean I am sad because I realize he could just continue this way and never get healthy and I don't want that for me or my son. But, I guess I just know now that life will go on if I have to move on. Not what I want at all, but I would live through it. I'm sure after a year of separation I should have been at this point much earlier, but I have hopefull to a fault. Just random thoughts, but I really would like some help with the wording of things...anyone? Puppy you always have great ideas????
My S is with dad tonight and I went to a movie by myself and am just feeling so tired and lonely. I don't want to be alone anymore. I am married so I have someone to share my life with and I don't have that. Yet, I am not in a place to share my life with anyone else, nor do I want to.
I am trying to live life and GAl, but it is so hard. My friends that are single are newly divorced and just want to go out and party and it's not really my thing. I did a whole lot a that in college and even some last summer after he first moved out.
My married friends are busy with their families and doing couple things. Everyone was great about making plans with me when this all started, but now it's been over a year and they are all DONE. They think I should move on and find someone new.
I think this is the only place I can come and have people who understand I don't want to move one, date, find someone new. I am doing to have to deal with my husbands BS as the father of my son anyway, why have another guy's BS on top of that. OMG I sound so bitter tonight.
Truthfully, I just love my H and I want my life back.
On a positive note, but H did make an appointment with a IC for next week, and he admitted he probably needs to see a psychiatrist. HUGE step forward. I am very cautious not to get my hope's up because they have been crushed too many times, but at least it's something.
It just seems like there is so much damage. Do people really recover from affairs and live happy lives where they aren't always questioning every move their spouse makes. I want that so badly, but i can't imagine a day where the words and thoughts are not burned into my brains. I need to go on and read some of the success stories, I'm getting burned out on this whole thing. It just doesn't seem like it should be this much work.
