Would be curious on your honest opinion of what I sent to the W this morning. I know that this is goes against some of the rules of DB'ing. I guess some things just needed to be said.
Last night we were talking and joking a bit. I opened my big mouth and said that I took her dry cleaning in with mine in a joking manner. She flew into a rage when I said that. In the past, sometimes I wouldn’t take her dry cleaning in all the time. It kind of became a joke(or so I thought) between us over the years. It would sometimes be $40 her things to be cleaned. Obviously something petty between us, but made me realize last night our communication issues are deeper than I thought.
I would not really tell her what I thought on things, because I was always trying to avoid her getting angry.
The letter reads:
"Well I woke up at 3am last night and couldn’t go back to sleep for some time. It wasn’t Justy’s little snoring sounds, it was the thought in my head over and over again about the dry cleaning. It was the thought of if I can’t be honest with myself, how can I be honest with you. I truly was embarrassed that I did that and it forced me to look in the mirror again at myself. The dry cleaning is probably not the only time I did something like this to you. I think it is a good example of the things you have been thinking about. It forces me to put myself in your shoes to understand how that can make a person feel. You are my partner, my friend and why do something like this to a friend.
The truth is, the solution was always simple: Communication. The obvious reason I wouldn’t take your dry cleaning sometimes was the cost. I would not take them occasionally because when the bills got too high sometimes, I would go into cost saving mode. The thing that I should have done was to just simply say hey, are you going to be wearing this in the next week, can we hold off this week and bring it the next week instead. And explain to you why I was thinking that we needed to save money. We could have come up with some solutions together. In my mind, I was trying to avoid an argument by taking the other route. I used humor or sarcasm to get my point across vs. talking to you.
Really talking to you.
I couldn’t give you the respect you deserved regarding the finances. I am sure that is not the only time I didn’t think through a situation I don’t know if this brings you closer or pushes you farther away. But I felt if I didn’t get this out, it would not be respecting you. I guess this is the other part of the control piece that I have come to learn about myself. As I said last night, I hope you come to know the person I am."
So, I guess I do have a side of me that isn't that nice and it does come out once in a while....
Just don't know if I came across in a way where she'll accept what I am saying in a good way vs. me just throwing up an excuse.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
The gist of Iamlost's last post is that the WAW needs to vilify you...or monstrify you to validate their reasons for leaving or hurting everyone. If they don't, they are forced to look at THEMSELVES.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Faith: I read it and it makes alot of sense. Well she certainly is doing a good job of it. I saw one her friends today at the healthclub. My W actually told her I wish he would cheat on me or beat me. It would make it easier." I just think she will just wait this out till she breaks me. Till I can't take it anymore.
Today is one of those days where I just want to end the marriage as well. End the pain, End the insomnia. End the acting happy in front of her. Find love again. I am doing my best to be a better person, find things to make me happy, doing many more things with my sons. The only time she engages me in any meaningful conversation is when she is complaning about another friend who is ignoring her. I am starting to feel the love I have for her slip away..I so want this to work. I know if I want to, I will have to go it alone for sometime. I just have to continue to find the strength to continue this fight to save the marriage. It is just painful everyday knowing my W doesn't love me or does not want to be married to me anymore. Her soul has no more love for me...
I just had to leave this morning. I couldn't look at her or talk to her. I'm sure she will ask when I get home, is something wrong. That has to be the biggest insult she can give me right now. Anyway, today is a bad day. I am sure tomorrow will be better..
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Thanks Roadback. I have to tell you I came home from work still aggravated. She just lies to everyone that we are working on things. When the truth is that I feel she is just trying to break me. Getting me to just file so she can move on.
She kept asking me tonight what is the problem. She said my attitude and tension was giving her anxiety. Her anxiety?? She asked what is wrong again. I just said that was an insult. What the hell does she think is the problem"?? She actually started pushing the issue with the kids at dinner. My youngest actually said are you getting a divorce. I just left tonight and went to the healthclub before I said anything stupid. I wanted so bad to explode and tell her what I really felt. I was mr. happy the last 7 or 8 days. The one day I can't act, that the whole thing gets to me, she can't handle it....
I am not superman. I can't come home and smile every stinking day...I do feel my emotional attachment slipping away. I sometimes have a hard time just looking her in the eye.
Thanks Road.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Just wanted to pop in here and see how you were. You haven't posted in a week or so. Is there something wrong? Ok...that was an attempt to make you laugh. Come on..it was a wee bit funny. See, I watch my H and read about people like your W and I am starting to see the obsurdity in them and it is sooo obsurd that it's almost comical. They are so into themselves and their power trip that the things they do and say that are so hurtful and horrible simply don't register with them.
I don't know why I think this but I think your wife wants her cake and eat it too. I think that she thinks she can lead this double life and it's ok. Mine wanted to and that's where I had to learn to detach. I was not able to tell him to leave because I really felt that I had a chance if he was still in the home. But I did tell him we were not going to finance him leaving our home.
I just got up and out of bed and came on line because laying next to a man that acts like I'm his best friend is just not ok wtih me tonight. I know I am light years away from him saying "I want a divorce" but tonight I wanted him so badly that I could've jumped out of my skin. But I know that I can't come on to him or touch him. He kisses me good bye every morning like you would your sister and thats about as much contact as we have. Last week we were mating like rabbits..this week, I'm smothering him. The rollercoaste is insane..but only I can control the way he effects me. Already, by posting this to you, I"m calmer and more level headed and know I can go back upstairs, get into bed, not touch him and know that I've had a personal victory. I try to look at everything from the standpoint of "am I behaving in a way that respects the person I am". I also know that I'm in this for the long haul. I know it in my bones.
I know how hard it is for you right now and I really wish I had some magic phrase for you to latch on to that will help you through this. Please just know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you and the boys. Love the, love yourself...take good care. Blessings...Gina
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
Sorry d1 did not mean to ignore you, I just get lost on this forum sometimes and other times I need a break from it.
I never did post my sitch, I guess its because its pretty much the same as most of the sitch’s I read here, even yours. My wife says the same things and acts the same way.
That is the strange part, I have not found an explanation as to why they act so similar. I hear allot of people say this but why? why do waw's have so much in common?
Is some of the reason because they are getting older and lousing looks? the self esteem takes a big hit they no longer feel loved because they do not love themselves?
They want to be loved like before and feel that will improve the self esteem issue but they feel they cant get that from H so H becomes the problem…H even becomes the reason they feel the way they do I don’t know I am rambling now ... only waw’s know…
I know one thing, becoming detached helps, I have seen some improvement in my sitch.
I think most of us try and become detached to improve our sitch, once we are detached the sitch is not really a big deal anymore, it’s like …I don’t know maybe a minor annoyance? .. at the end of the day detachment is something you do for yourself, you just do not realize it until you get there
