UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi SDFG
Yeah .. I'm on it. Library this morning and then weeding; spider-web knocking party for one; window cleaning and then some baking ... of course, followed up by reading DB (if the library has it) a few more chapters to re-read of DR and finally the new one today Men are from Mars etc. Oh, I have to do some more knitting too!

I agree that DB'ing feels strange. I understand and then don't. I do get that WAH does not want to be pursued but then he acts like I have ignored him when I don't contact him. It makes me feel like I am losing control when I don't have that contact. I also feel that it is giving him time to concentrate on OW - thoughts when she is not around and then actions when she is. It makes me feel sick with rage and envy. He's not supposed to be with that tramp - he's supposed to be here with me in OUR home.

This is the bit that I don't get: I am a strong and independent woman ... it's just now that he's left I have gone to pieces. I have always 'worn the trousers' in our M and he's been the one standing behind me a lot of the time. If there have been battles to fight, I have fought them; if there is action to take, I have mostly initiated it; when trouble is afoot, I have been the first one to fight the fire. He's quite passive in many ways (he says that he has now changed and I see that he has), whilst he has always accused me of being domineering and too forthright. I have come from a bad upbringing and I had to stand on my own two feet so I know in my heart that I can do it. It's just that after all these years with H, I don't want to. We have had such a wonderful M and he has looked after me and made me feel safe ... a lot of the anger I had disappeared with him and was replaced by the safety net which I so badly needed - now he has pulled that away and I am alone again with all those feelings as before.

The weirdest thing is that I used to have nightmares about where I had 'come from' and he knew that it haunted me. He was so reassuring and always said that I would never be back in that situation. The nightmares left me about 18 months ago but now look at what's happened ... I'm going to be back there, if he gets his way and continues toward the D next year.

I guess that I am already facing the hard work - for me. I have started my counselling - for me, not for our M. That has to be a positive, right? I just wish that I could cry ... it would let out some of this pent up emotion and maybe I would feel a little better. I am running on empty but am fuelled by negativity right now.

As before, I would love to do lots of the things that others find for themselves when their WAS leaves. Unfortunately, even going for coffee is a treat at the moment - I have to watch everything that I am spending now that the small nest-egg I had tucked away has been discovered by H and he is holding a financial gun to my head.