Rob, My first wife's husband is like that - he never says hello - and also has this stranger kind of distance about him. I used to take it personally - until I just allowed myself to accept it as his own hangup - and just one of the signs of his insecurity (I later learned from my S12 that her family still talks me up a lot...and I doubt that goes over well with him).
So, yes, it's rude and disrespectful - but you can always stay above that way of being - since, in the end, his issues are about himself - and so long as he never does anything to interfere with your rel with your D - than I would suggest you stay clear.
And...I just have to second what Kalni said...if your X continues to be like my STBX than cordial just never works - it just seems to be something she/they(?) can use to get what they want...
When my first W's X says nothing to me - I still just say hello to him - and allow him to be a lesser man. It is his choice, after all.
Tattoo what Kalni said on your forearm... or at least write in permanent marker before an exchange! They'll wonder why you're laughing when you're waving from far away.
Jeff, first off, glad to hear from you again! You asked why this bothers me and really it is just because it is plain rude and unneccessary. However you were completely correct when you said, "isn't your problem!" because it isn't. I just need to learn to lower my expectations - or better yet, not have any - when we interact. I'm being a bit too Polyannish in my hopes for civility it seems.
You are also right in the fact that X has poisoned his mind and he's probably trying to please her by acting the way he thinks she wants him to act. To that end, it makes perfect sense b/c she'll only pick out weak men who will do what she wants when she wants. I was that weak man once and when I started to take care of myself and find my own, independent voice, she had an affair and filed for divorce. She's continuing the pattern of picking up ones she can control.
Again, it is ironic that she was the one who claimed it was me who was the control freak. Talk about a bit of projection, eh?
Kalni - How can I forget so easily? Thanks for the wake up reminder:
Quote:
STAY AWAY!!!!! ... Keep it polite, not cordial. DO NOT forget your x is bad news. Smile and wave FROM A DISTANCE!!!!!
Absolutely correct! I was just thinking wishfully and trying to do the "right thing." However, it is only the "right thing" if both people are on the same page.
Carlos - I like your point about "being the better man" b/c it is their problem and not mine. Absolutely true and something I need to be sure to remember.
Gypsy - Hello again! It is good to hear from you. I liked this visual:
Quote:
They'll wonder why you're laughing when you're waving from far away.
In fact, I used all of your thoughts yesterday at the drop-off. See they were in their usual non-civil state and I asked them about starting school tomorrow w/the usual "start of school" meetings filled w/nonsense and boredom.
So, I made a point to ask them "Are both of you excited to hit those meetings tomorrow?" X answered but BF said nothing. So, I said to BF: "Wow, [BF's name]! It sounds like you're really fired up for tomorrow, eh?"
X looked a BF and she had a smirk on her face...probably something like "See, I told you my XH is an A-hole, didn't I?" but I really didn't care. I was too busy laughing at the absurdity of their attitudes.
So, for now, I'll be taking the high road and just being polite and cordial. If they don't like it, tough.
Thanks for the input on the situation. I really liked what I read.
On the GF note, we had a good weekend. Her surprise party for her 16-year-old daughter went well and although we were up until 4 am and then cleaning up all day yesterday and last night, not only did we have fun, but her daugher was really appreciative of what we did.
Ok, I've got to head back to work now and earn my paycheck. Talk to you all later.
Hello, darling! I always love to see you're checking in on me.
So, there isn't too much drama going on w/me. GF and I are doing much better as she's feeling like a tremendous weight has been lifted off her shoulders w/her new job and now that her daughter's 16th birthday party is over with (it was a pretty good party).
GF and I will be going to Vegas for Labor Day to get away and spend some time together. I'm looking forward to that as well as to this weekend as we'll be able to be w/each other w/out a lot of stressors hanging over us.
GF is getting more and more interested which is really cool.
On the XW front, things are simply more of the same. X will be nice on her terms, but I'm refocused on not letting it affect me too much and just accepting her as the mean, bitter, and broken person she is. I can't change that and I really don't want to try.
She called the other day to tell me that there was a new pickup procedure at school and I thanked her for letting me know. Then she told me she's updated D's emergency list at school and that after her and me, she's put BF and two of her female friends down as contacts in case they can't reach one of us.
I told her I was ok w/that as long as her BF and friends were going to contact me in the event of an emergency. I let her know that I was concerned as I've been "demonized in their eyes" so if they are going to be caring for my D in my absence, I wanted to know if they would be calling me or holding out information b/c of what X has led them to believe about me. I said if they weren't going to be willing to let me in if needed, I'm not willing to let them be on the list.
X tried to reassure me that her two friends had asked for my number right away so they could contact me if needed in an emergency, but she was quiet when I challenged her on how she's made me out to be. I did say "fairly or unfairly, but they are biased against me which does make me uncomfortable as far as D is concerned."
As usual, when confronted w/being in the wrong, X had no reply.
She also clammed up when I asked if BF would be willing to call me as well since "he can't even bring it upon himself to make eye contact or causally say hello when we meet, so I'm not too confident that he'll be willing to let me know if my own daughter is sick." Again, no response from X.
I don't know if I should have said anything or not, but I did want X to know that I am concerned as to how I'm being portrayed to people, but only as it relates to my D.
Finally, today, D woke up and complained of a sore throat. I looked at it, didn't see anything swollen or red, so I pretty much left it alone. D also was super chatty, so I figured her throat couldn't hurt that much.
Anyway, I sent X a text while transporting D to school to give her a head's up as to what was going on. I also told X that D was chatty but I'd also be writing a note to have her see the nurse just in case.
X sends a reply chastising me for "texting while driving" b/c it is "very dangerous" and I replied to let her know I was texting at stop lights and while I appreciated her concern, I wanted to know if we could get back to discussing D's throat.
X sends a snotty reply saying that I told her she was chatty and would send her to the nurse, so "what is there to discuss?"
I replied by telling her I was merely trying to communicate about our D and not looking to start a fight. I asked her to let me know what happens w/D's throat and to have a good day.
No surprise - no reply from X.
So, I'm trying to take the high road while still making sure my boundaries are understood. I think I did ok, but I'm not sure if some of the things I did in the past few exchanges were necessary or not.
