Things seem to be coming to a head. No idea how to respond to the W.
So for now (after reading the text messages in order) I feel that I should leave her thinking about the "No I'm not alright" bit and hope she works out why.
Main's phone is off. I've left him a text to call me so I can get his input.
Anything else I can do in respect of the above texting?
Mac, I am having a little trouble interpreting these exchanges, between text-speak (I don't do texting) and unfamiliar slang. But if I am getting the gist correctly, it sounds like you are pursuing her, sending hugs she doesn't reciprocate, defending yourself (when she unloads about all of your sins like a spoiled teenager), and trying to "take care" of her. Am I going to have to come down there and slap your wrist?
I'm sorry, but I have to break out a 2x4 here. Just stop all that right now! Don't tell her you have changed, or that she is confused about you. Talk like that means nothing to her at best, and will just make her angrier at worst. You have to _prove_ that you are a better person by your actions. Yes, it takes a lot longer, but there's no shortcut, because your words will not convince her right now. She has to see it--and consistently, for an extended period--to believe it.
If it is not urgent, not business that has to be dealt with...IGNORE it (if it's in person, just listen and validate). If she sends an irritated or frivolous message, and you don't respond, it creates mystery, which is a good thing, and also prevents you from saying something you shouldn't, which is also a good thing. A closed mouth gathers no feet! Obviously you don't want to let it go on long enough to make her think you have died or something, but seriously, Mac, make yourself less available, and stop participating in her drama!
Listen and validate. Validating does not mean agreeing with her about a point on which you think she is wrong, it just means to indicate that you heard her. If you feel that she has a valid complaint, acknowledge it and apologize, but do not make excuses; just say something like, "You're right. I was wrong, and I am very sorry that I hurt you." Then STOP TALKING and let her vent some more, rather than try to make excuses for your behavior or tell her how different things will be in the future.
For times when you don't agree with her criticism of you, or her complaints aren't directly about you, memorize these phrases: I'm sorry to hear that. I understand why you would feel that way. I can see how difficult that would be for you.
Detach (this takes a lot of practice). Drop the rope. Let her spin, and stop letting her smallest action yank you around emotionally. You need to stop chasing after her and let her miss you, while still being polite and kind. It is a tightrope, and difficult especially in the beginning.
In response to her last text, I would be silent. If you feel you must respond, just say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that." If she wants to talk about it, you can listen. But you need to stop trying to solve all her problems for her. If she needs something from you, wait for her to ask.
And be careful what you say to other people, because if you are trying to have a DB attitude with her (happy, calm, upbeat, GAL), it will be totally negated if you don't have it with anyone who is likely to talk to her, because she WILL hear about it.
I apologize if I have totally misunderstood the gist of the exchanges, but this is what I see. I hope this helps!
Take care of yourself.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
2x4's gladly taken. Lets just get the texting (which could equally be e-mail) into some order....
W - "Having such a good time with mainstay at the barrel. It is something that you should have done. Your loss."
W - "Wonder why your phone is off? Can not take the punch off the jolling life."
And my reply this morning.....
Me - "U have no idea what a hangover I had ;-) wish I'd left phone on. Would have gone 2 barrel like a shot. Hugs honey. May pluck up the courage to phone u a little later. Really happy u got on with main. And the ticket was 4 u. "M A" said she would call u Wednesday pm."
YES - I know I should NOT have used hugs/honey. BUT that was a knee-jerk upbeat response. Apologies.
W - "Atleast mainstay care enough about me. He bought me a nice meal. Unlike you and your psychologist. "
Then W's best friend out of the blue texts -
"Hi Mac how you doing. Coming to visit soon. You hang in there. I have a good feeling.. "
This is now two people who have noticed changes. Who are normally VERY tight lipped. I didn't even know that the W had a job from either of them. Which is why I sent another knee-jerk text (stop it!!!!) It was not right that she SAID I didn't care for her even though she knows I do.
Me - "Ah honey. U know exactly how very much I care. Don't believe me? Ask anyone including the pope:-) u r sounding great Malindi. So proud of u! X"
W - "I am not fine ken. Ask mainstay."
And my reaction to this was ...... nothing. No reply. Nothing.
The two people mentioned in the above exchange are both good friends to myself AND my W. And believe it when I tell you they are NOT taking sides. In fact expressed in the strongest terms that they were not PREPARED to takes sides. They are friends to both of us.
In my defense of the endearments - I am not prepared to be a doormat to anyone especially my W. But I do have very wide shoulders. Being "cold" and "clinical" do have their merits. But I really really know my W. And forgive me if I show some affection at times. Nothing I see in the books DB/DR (which finally arrived) says be cold or clinical.
Another point is when my W mentioned my changes. These changes are actually NOT new. They are what was in me a while ago which became buried amidst the $h1t of the slippery slope. They are the things that have always been there. Nothing new about it. Just back where they belong. I understand that time will be needed to persuade my W that they are back and permanent. Time is something I have.
Dawn - I promise - mystery, thoughtfulness, restraint, patience, kindness and every other positive attribute I can gather.
Sorry if some of this sounds like a rant. It's truly not.
I see so many positives in this exchange.
1. She instigated (for the first time) an exchange. 2. She actually told me where she was. 3. I know she was speaking to someone she respects very highly. 4. Best friend say SHE feels good about things. 5. She does get to know what I'm doing. 6. And has feelings about those things. 7. She seems to be digging herself out of the mire.
And what do you mean "slang"
Hugs to you Dawn - loads and loads and LOADS of hugs.
And you other ladies get stacks of them as well. You KNOW who you are
Obviously you don't want to let it go on long enough to make her think you have died or something, but seriously, Mac, make yourself less available, and stop participating in her drama! 