I agree...stop the cycle of anger. It's crazy. No one is going to win. So stop.
Doing the 180’s, GALing, Going Dark, these are suggestions and that’s all. They do not always work and then work like a charm for others. You have to figure out your own situation and make the decision for you. (Going Dark did not work out well for me. 180’s GALing….made a HUGE difference in my life and situation.)
Stop saying I love you. It’s pressure. You have to remove pressure.
Yes, he is afraid to trust. Are you? Do you have trust issues with him too?
When it comes to his complaints….are you in agreement? Are these things you can work on and still be you? Still be proud of yourself and have self respect? If yes, go to work, if not, then don’t do it and explain to him why and if you need to ask him questions for clarification, do that too.
-taking better care of the house and yard - he is much neater than I am and I realize what I am comfortable with is not what he is comfortable with - cleaner desks, cleaner yard, no dishes in sink, etc. Is this something you can do? Is this really a change you can make? I love a clean house, but not everyone is annoyed with a few dishes in the sink for a day. I sort of am. But I don’t tell anyone or complain about it, I just clean it. Because I’m willing to do that for as long as I’m healthy and able. I like cleaning. But do you?
- not interrupting him or walking away - this is hard when he is screaming at me, but I guess I have to do it. Also, my therapist told me I should walk away if he is being verbally abusive, so there's a conflict there in my mind. Here’s one where I think you need to explain yourself. If someone is yelling and screaming at me, damn right, I’m walking away. If he’s talking to you and trying to communicate with you and you just don’t like what he’s saying so then you walk away, ok, he’s got a point. He needs to understand screaming at you get’s him left in the room alone. (Calm down and speak to each other. H and I are much better at this now and man, does it help with the blood pressure.)
- staying calm - oh this has been my hardest one because we are both volatile people and I get resentful that he only sees that I should stay calm while he admits he should be able to swear, vent, yell, whatever he feels. But he says I am the one who has been too volatile over the years all I can do is take responsibility for my part in it. However, when I do express remorse, apologize, say I am working on it in therapy, etc, he just says he doesn't believe me so I don't know what to do. This one is simple. Just shut up and SHOW him. Do not engage him. I think a great 180 suggestion for you….speak calmly. He starts to interrupt you, you just stop talking. Wait until he’s done, start talking. He interrupts you again, stop talking. Eventually he’ll notice he’s the ass. Works like a charm for me.
-he doesn't want me to say "you do it to" although our therapist agrees we both have habits that lead to horrible fights, he does not in any way want to feel blamed. I understand this because I don't either. However, I am trying to be the one who changes. It just hurts to be blamed myself. So stop it. But don’t let him do it to you either. “I have stopped blaming you….because I don’t want to be blamed either.”
- doing what I say I will do - follow through. He is nitpicking every little thing I do or don't do but I need to be extra careful or else he explodes at the tiniest thing. I think these types of complaints are more tricky. Do you not follow through? If yes, would you like to change that about yourself? Or is he exaggerating….Yeah, I’ll pick up your dry cleaning? And then you forget?
Some really valuable advice I got here…you aren’t going to argue anything to him. You may be the dumbest person on earth right now and you can’t convince him of anything. Scream the truth and facts all you want….doesn’t hear you. So stop it. Show him your changes. Stop telling him you changed. He’ll have to see it. I’ve been at this for 9 months now and my H has flat out told me “Like the changes, not sure if it’s all BS….I’m waiting to see.” So they are watching. I’m lucky I got such great feedback.
If he’s really going to get on you about every little thing just to get on you, there’s nothing you can do but tell him “I’m sorry you think that, but I like me. If you have a suggestion as to how I can improve, I’ll take it under advisement…don’t’ expect me to incorporate the suggestion….like I said I do like me, but always open to possible improvements.”
Small improvements are good. Keep a journal of them. Be encouraged but keep working on you, for you. If the yelling continues, you simply tell him, not yelling “I’m not going to be yelled at. When you are calmer and you have your thoughts in order, I’m ready to listen. I think that’s reasonable. Two adults talking out a disagreement.
