Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Dia]

Hi, GIMA,

Here's some food for thought...

Most of us who end up here are in Last Resort by the time we get here.

Last resort is NOT THE ONLY DB WAY!

I am going to be re-reading the non-LRT sections of DR and DB because some of those bits are working for me. In particular, the part about 'asking'.

I think it was good that she was sad when you went to bed alone. I think our spouses need to feel and wrestle with that sadness, and for more than just a single night. It confirms for them that they want us and don't like the distance.

Note that I am not suggesting anything other than re-reading certain sections of the book, which I am going to do myself. But after that, maybe it's time to give things a lil' shake?

And btw - is there any chance your W wore that dress and those heels specifically to look good to you?

[Coach]

In my case I am starting to realize how disrespectful and foolish my W really is, but at the same time I haven't really acted in ways that garner respect I realize. It isn't enough to be a father and good provider (it should be, but it isn't). This all hit me after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and reading posts from gucci, puppy, and coach.

Known IRL as Larry, Moe and Curly.

[Coach]

Funny you said on your thread that you felt last night you may have to be the one to initiate acts with your H b/c maybe he's waiting for you to do that. I have had that thought too and even had it last night. I have been the one to head to bed before her, and last night she seemed almost sad I was foing to bed. Nothing specific she did, just a sense I picked up on with her tone of voice when I said I was turning in.

It's called leading. Only one way out of limboland. You can handle it.

Cheers

[givingitmyall]

Quote:
Funny you said on your thread that you felt last night you may have to be the one to initiate acts with your H b/c maybe he's waiting for you to do that. I have had that thought too and even had it last night. I have been the one to head to bed before her, and last night she seemed almost sad I was foing to bed. Nothing specific she did, just a sense I picked up on with her tone of voice when I said I was turning in.

It's called leading. Only one way out of limboland. You can handle it.

Cheers

OK Coach. I'm gonna need some clarification here. Maybe I missed something, but I thought it was our job to have our WAS' initiate the R talk on their timetable. Now, you seem to be (I think you ARE) saying I should be the one to raise that issue.

If that IS the case, how would you suggest that play out? Do I say where are we headed? Do I say I can't live the way we are living now? What if her response is not a definite yes, I want to work on the MR or No way - what if it is "I don't know?"

I can handle whatever, I just want to know I'm on the right track reading your post and the best way to approach this.

As always, thanks.

[mishka422]

I'm certainly not wise like coach, but IMO it is too easy to be stuck in spouse-induced limbo-land forever waiting on them to figure things out. If the status quo hasn't driven you over the edge yet, then let it ride. If you can't handle another day of indecision then bring it up.

You've been at this a while now. If you leave things unspoken too long then it can fester into resentment on your part instead of just detatchment. KWIM?

[Coach]

GIMA, You are not trying to bust up a affair so the advice to you is different. You are in limboland (the waiting place) though which is a dreary place. To get to this point what has been the journey:
- bomb
- introspection
- work on valid issues for yourself
- detach
- lose some feelings for your spouse (doubts)
- patience
- things settle into new "normal"

Two fun and easy things for you: play with your kids and do fun stuff with them, ramp up your GAL activities. Make sure your wife knows she is invited but go have blast either way.

TCB - handle the things that have been issues

180s - go out and listen to some live music, guys weekend out, change something in the house/yard
your ideas???? Do something different that is good for you.

LLs - keep filling her love bucket with no expectations, become irresistable

What are some things you did when you were dating?

You don't need to talk about the R now. You are trying to get her to jump in your lap. Your dogs will do anything for you, I bet your cat is confusing you. Be a cat whisperer.

You do have a say in where you are headed. Find your kid's copy of "Oh, the Places You Will Go" and pay attention the part about getting out of the waiting place. You have been chosen to be the leader of your family. You have been learning, growing, and thinking. Now it's time to keep taking action in the right direction. (Beware of your wife testing you.)


I had goals of trying one new thing a week, if it works keep it. As the thaw continues then you can become more bold and adventurous. Be self-aware, really listen, stay compassionate and have some fun. You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[givingitmyall]

Coach,

Thanks for the response, and man, you are either a mindreader or I'm subconsciously following a sript:

To get to this point what has been the journey:
- bomb
- introspection
- work on valid issues for yourself
- detach
- lose some feelings for your spouse (doubts)
- patience
- things settle into new "normal"

I can check each and every one of those off, and in that order. Man, you're good.

On the losing feelings for W/doubt thing, I went to a work luncheon yesterday (local business association). And another attorney sat across the table from me. And she was drop dead gorgeous. I mean take your breath away, only woman in the room kindo of beautiful. Now, I would not (I hope) act on that while M'd, but good God, if that's what's out there...OK, back to the issue at hand.

Two fun and easy things for you: play with your kids and do fun stuff with them, ramp up your GAL activities. Make sure your wife knows she is invited but go have blast either way.

Here was the plan I came up with last night for this weekend. We've not been camping as a family - not our thing. So, I'm buying a tent today on the way home from work - not telling anyone. When I get home, I'm going to set it up in the back yard and the kids and I are going to sleep in it (probably tomorrow night b/c it's supposed to rain tonight). W can join if she wants (she probably won't since she's fighting a pretty nasty cold), but I'm doing it either way. Kids and I will have a great time. He!!, maybe I'll roast marshmellws on the gas grill - real camping!

You do have a say in where you are headed. Find your kid's copy of "Oh, the Places You Will Go" and pay attention the part about getting out of the waiting place. You have been chosen to be the leader of your family. You have been learning, growing, and thinking. Now it's time to keep taking action in the right direction. (Beware of your wife testing you.)

I wills earch the kids' rooms for a copy of the book - we have a bunch of those, but I'm not sure we have that one. And, thanks for the warning about W testing me.

[Coach]

Camping out back is a great idea. Make sure you have the dogs with you so it is a bigger circus. Then find a place to go in the mountains so it's cooler (fewer bugs). Can you build a small fire?
I take my team camping/hiking every year. It is a great bonding experience.

Cheers

[givingitmyall]

Camping out back is a great idea. Make sure you have the dogs with you so it is a bigger circus. Then find a place to go in the mountains so it's cooler (fewer bugs). Can you build a small fire?
I take my team camping/hiking every year. It is a great bonding experience.

I'll get the dogs involved. I had planned on this as a trial run with a follow up trip to the mountains in a couple of weeks.

I think it should be fun.

[Dia]

Hy Coach?

Is leading any different for - or should it be - for a woman vs. a man?

Feel free to answer in my thread if you don't want to hijack GIMA's.

And GIMA - I love camping!! You gotta make s'mores. It's a rule.