Go back to my thread, GIMA just gave an excellent post that I got a lot out of... And I think we are the same person. I just don't like coffee.
I read his post. It's very well thought out. It's hard to do, but well thought out.
I wich I was better at setting my internal monologue on marriage vows and what this will do to our son aside for a while. It's completely unnatural when you want to fight for what's right, your values, marriage, and kid(s). I read it. I get it. And I even do it sometimes. But I completely understand your having a hard time with it. I do too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I understand, but sometimes a 180 is not what you need. You need to also have self-respect. Just act like you are room mates, saying something like "I don't want to control you, but doing x is disrespectful to me and our child. As long as we are in the same house, you should not be out late multiple nights a week." Something like that, others on this board can help and have done the same thing. I have too. The point is to stand up for yourself while not being controlling.
Does your wife have fears of being "controlled" too? How did this work for you?
btw...W and I have gotten into it pretty hard each of the past two weekends, she said she's filing, and I decided back way off.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm just going with the flow for now. *Patience* --- *Faith* I have been told. (I said these sound like stripper names)
More awkwardness at home. More superficial conversation. More clearly uncomfortable. More she'll go for a walk in the neighborhood, then I'll go for a walk. She'll go downstairs when I go upstairs and vice versa.
Nothing bad, but nothing good. Just limbo. Little small talk.
Still seems strange...the talk about the flowers next year, her talking to my sister about Christmas this year. It feels like if we're going to be together then put your ring on and let's try to work on things together. I realize it's not that easy, but part of me wonders why not. If you're in, be in. I'm not temperature taking any more though, so I'm not asking if she's in. ...like I said...taking it slower this time.
Anyway, it's Friday. Maybe it's my turn to stay out tonight
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Still seems strange...the talk about the flowers next year, her talking to my sister about Christmas this year. It feels like if we're going to be together then put your ring on and let's try to work on things together. I realize it's not that easy, but part of me wonders why not. If you're in, be in. I'm not temperature taking any more though, so I'm not asking if she's in. ...like I said...taking it slower this time.
The answer is she's NOT "IN" right now. She's in between IN and OUT, and she doesn't know which one to turn to. You giving her space, acting cool and working on you clears a path back to IN - but it's HER choice.
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How do I still have these Ups & Downs myself???
Last night I could barely stand to look at her. Now I want to call her and tell her how much I love her!!!
Ups and downs are b/c you haven't yet detached. It doesn't happen like flipping a light switch. It takes time and then, it just happens. Keep working at it and it will come.
Oh, and DO NOT tell her you love her. Right now, it will only remind her she does not feel that way about you.
For what it's worth, I haven't told my W ILY or receieved that from her since very shortly after the bomb in April.
Hang in there. You can do this. Just keep repeating time is your friend. B/c it is even though it doesn't feel like it. She IS watching you.
You're right. As soon as I think that I am good and detached it seems that I have a relapse. At least I'm at a point where I don't have to act on it now.
I reraly initiate any contact with her anymore. I did send her a text to let her know I wouldn't be home for dinner a few minutes ago. (I didn't say why or when I would get there)
I'll enjoy myseld more heading out to dinner with a friend tonight. Maybe hit a comedy club.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
It’s clear to me now that my detachment is becoming more and more of a withdrawal.
I went out Friday. Sent her a txt early in the afternoon that I wouldn’t make it home for dinner. Followed up at 7:30 and said, looks like I will be later than just missing dinner, I will call S7 before bed time. I had a good time, but still had lots of time about my whole sitch.
Funny, when I called to talk to S7 at 9:30 ish, W answered and asked where I had been. Just in a conversational way, but funny considering that she would freak out if I asked where she was. She seemed very interested.
Lots of distance over the weekend. I would to yard work, she was inside. I would watch TV with S, she would close herself in “Her” room (she openly refers to this as “her” room now…she had been calling it the extra bedroom for a while).
Saturday, she made a nice family dinner. We got a movie to watch together as a family. There was a little air of old times in the air as I ran to the store to get a couple of last minute dinner items and she was cooking in the kitchen. Just after dinner though, she got weird and went upstairs (took a bath, locked herself in “her” room again).
Later that night she came to me when S wasn’t around. It was clear something was bothering her and she wanted to talk. Our son came over and I played with him since I really didn’t want to get into THAT conversation again. I made sure to keep clear of her for the rest of the night. I REALLY didn’t want to have that conversation again. She had been drinking (again) and locked in her room after having family time. It was like the perfect storm. I successfully avoided it.
The next day we didn’t see each other much. We both spent time out of the house, but when we did come in contact, it was upbeat and chatty again. With that said, it was still strangely distant though.
I got sick last night. This is all getting too much for me. This is the longest that we have gone in separate rooms, no ring etc (6 weeks this time) and it seems like it will never end.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
It’s clear to me now that my detachment is becoming more and more of a withdrawal.
Why? Is it true withdrawal or is it just you doubting your feelings for your W and the M? The latter is normal.
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she would close herself in “Her” room (she openly refers to this as “her” room now…she had been calling it the extra bedroom for a while).
Yep, mine still does this. Mine goes back and forth - sometimes referring to her room as the guest room and sometimes calling it her room. Don't sweat this, but I understand how it makes you feel.
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Saturday, she made a nice family dinner. We got a movie to watch together as a family. There was a little air of old times in the air as I ran to the store to get a couple of last minute dinner items and she was cooking in the kitchen. Just after dinner though, she got weird and went upstairs (took a bath, locked herself in “her” room again).
This is normal too. Maybe she's just taking small steps to get comfrotable around you. Maybe the roller coaster went back down during the movie. Who knows. Just stay the course. Gonna be a lot of ups and downs.
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Later that night she came to me when S wasn’t around. It was clear something was bothering her and she wanted to talk. Our son came over and I played with him since I really didn’t want to get into THAT conversation again. I made sure to keep clear of her for the rest of the night. I REALLY didn’t want to have that conversation again. She had been drinking (again) and locked in her room after having family time. It was like the perfect storm. I successfully avoided it.
Good job here.
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I got sick last night. This is all getting too much for me. This is the longest that we have gone in separate rooms, no ring etc (6 weeks this time) and it seems like it will never end.
What is it? Fatigue? I know it's emotionalliy draining - worse than my father's unexpected death in 2003. But, you have a choice - quit or keep fighting. You CAN do this.
Hows you detaching coming? I hear a lot of signs of you not being there yet. That's ok. Just recognize it and get back to work.
