Sad to be back

[AnotherNightmare]

You can find the details on my sitch in Newcomers (link in my signature), but I will quickly summarize what has happened:

In Nov, W dropped the bomb and requested a D. I quickly found out that she had an EA going with someone from school in Germany. We both are from Germany and moved to the US in 98 after she had ended a PA with a work colleague. So this is the second episode. She wanted to move back taking the kids, which I would not allow. Finally end of Dec, she came around, agreed to Retrouvaille in mid Feb, and kind of ended the contact with OM.

I think this is where I made a major mistake. I did not insist on 100% no contact, but thought that "trust, but verify", i.e. I monitored her e-mails with the help of a keylogger would give me enough safety. I also thought with the help of Retro and more communication things would get better. Initially, it actually took that direction, even though OM kept sending e-mails about once every two weeks and W responded once or twice in 3 months. It took a turn for the worse when W was diagnosed with breast cancer early April. She informed OM a few days later, and we had a huge fight. I made clear to her that I did not tolerate any contact.
Even though she promised we would write a NC e-mail to OM after her surgery late April, she broke that promise and sent another e-mail to OM. I confronted her, but she did not give in. I decided to tell OM in no uncertain terms to f!ck off and blacklisted his e-mail address in my wife's accounts.

Over the next 3 months, we were slowly getting better. The breast cancer treatment turned out to be a nightmare with a total of 3 surgeries, even though the prognosis was extremely positive. I stood by her as much as I could, even though she never acknowledged that. She actually belittled my efforts saying that if this was all I would do, she would not want to be with me in a real crisis. I was frustrated and hurt, but kept working on it.
Unfortunately, I underestimated OM. He found W on a social network site and contacted her again asking why she did not respond to his e-mails. She investigated and found evidence that I was monitoring her, even though she still does not know how I did it. We did not talk for a while, and she asked me to go to a C session with her. Of course, W made it look like that my invading her privacy was a much bigger trust issue than her infidelity. Her IC was actually quite understanding and confirmed my request of NC. The C actually made her admit that she contributed to the problems in our M. W reluctantly agreed to say something she did not mean after fighting it for more than 2 minutes. I should have stopped it, but I guess I never expected her to actually say it. And when she said it, I could not believe my ears, even though I could see in her face there was nothing sincere about it.

However, she does not show any remorse, does not apologize and is not willing to write the NC e-mail/letter to OM ending the EA permanently. I told her if she ever talked to OM again, I would never talk to her again. I would find a third person to handle the issues around the kids.

But nothing seems to get her out of her fog. She actually reads a book on how to cope with a narcissistic person. I find that ironic, because showing no remorse, never apologizing and affairs are rather symptoms of narcism. Anyway, I am pretty much done, unless I hear say something like "I am sorry I hurt you". I have not filed yet, but I am getting closer and closer.
I certainly have stopped working on this M.