Returning from the land of excuses...

[LolaL]

I never thought I would get here, to the point where I wanted to divorce stbx. For such a long time, I held out hope that we were going to work through our issues, and that I would be able to forgive the affair. We still had constant contact, that is until my brother died, and I realized life was too short for me to continue living this way. I was tired of fighting what I felt was a one-sided, losing battle. And so I did what I always said I wouldn't do, and prepared the divorce paperwork.

Since I moved from Texas to Virginia, and then subsequently New York, I really cannot file the paperwork. So I contacted stbx and asked if he just wanted to wait until I gained permanent residency in another state and I would file, or if he would do it in Texas if I prepared the paperwork. He said he would.

That was four months ago.

Last month, I prepared the divorce petition, and emailed it to him. Nothing. This month, I offered to help pay the filing fees. Nothing...no response, no yes, no, F you, nada.

Now, most of you know my stbx is applying for citizenship (he is from Germany). Well, my dad is retired FBI, and works counterterrorism in the civilian sector now. One of his clients is USCIS (formerly INS). It has been suggested to me several times that my stbx should be deported, to which I have responded no, don't do that. My dad isn't vindictive, but has watched me bleed over the last two years, and frankly, it pisses him off.

Stbs has stated he fears that my father will pull strings to have him deported. Hmmmm...you think he would have thought about that before he stuck his d!ck somewhere it didn't belong. But noooo....

So I played the trump card, wanting a response on this stupid divorce. I asked him if he remembered who my dad was. Now, this may have been a sh!tty way to handle it, but yeah...I don't care. Very unDB. Screw it...I am tired of playing the games.

Of course, that comment worked, and he asked me if I was threatening him. I said no, but you wanted this so you need to finish it (you cheating jerk)...and he said he would when he had the money. I did point out that I offered to pay for it, and told him I wanted a time line because I wanted to get on with my life w/o his baggage. He said two months. I replied that he damned well better have it filed in two months, and I would email him my address.

Thing is, he won't file.

It's not because he loves me. He won't file just because he is the biggest jerk that ever walked the face of the earth, and he will want me to do it.

It is amazing to me how my feelings toward him have changed. Part of me still loves him, part of me hates him, and more and more part of me...well that part feels nothing for him anymore.

And I keep asking myself how I ended up with this dillweed?