Tristan appears to be asking for help. Telling him to sympathize with his wife's conditions & actions while neglecting his own personal value & self-respect in all of this in MY opinion isn't helping him much.
I could say "Hang in there Tristan, in the end you'll still be the better person!"
Or I can give him some tough love (and it hasn't been that tough yet), a kick in the pants, help him up when he falls and show him how to help himself up when he falls again the next time. I can tell him when he's acting insecure and it's affects on himself and his wife and why he should stop it. I can offer him some insight on the education I wish I had 10 years ago. He can choose to use the information and he can choose to disregard it, he has free will, much like his wife.
Rob, I was struck just now by just how closely the above describes my own general approach to helping others (or at least trying to) on these forums. I am often similarly called out as trying to be a "know-it-all." And I probably don't, as Kett suggests, take the time to couch my language with the softening "perhaps"s, "maybe"s and "have you considered"s that maybe I should.
We're all incredibly busy. We come here with some shred of free time that we have in our day to try to see if we can "pay it forward" and help someone else, and we all take different approaches and use different styles. I personally don't feel the need to do the "((((hugs!))))" thing, for the most part (I do sometimes), as there are so many others who do it better than I do, and it is perhaps even their ministry. I feel called more to "exhort," and call people -- especially men -- up to a stronger stand and a stronger standard, and encourage them to stop being a victim and try to get their power back in the relationship.
