What does he want?

[cantbreathe]

Well, it was an okay day yesterday. No R talk, no fighting, but not much else either. When he fell asleep early last night I brought him his phone to set his alarm and he seemed grateful rather than weird about it. I sat next to him and he put his arm around my waist. Kiss and hug good night.

I am a little encouraged that he is starting to touch me a little. That is one of my goals. I am worried though that he said he loved me Monday and missed me Tuesday (see above) but did not respond at all me saying it yesterday. We've always said it at bedtime, getting off the phone, or when one of us leaves. It is very very hard not to hear it regularly. When I hear it one day and not the next - it freaks me out. It makes me want to ask him why. Especially when He moods are so changeable.

This whole thing has been 26 days since the kiss and 21 since I found out. It's been almost two weeks of no contact, but he still hasn't said he wants to be here. I feel like I could calm down if he would at least say he doesn't want to leave. He's not a talker, so I feel like I am unlikely to get that. I think that's why us acting more normally is so important to me. I feel like he'll probably show me he wants to be here and say he loves me rather than want to say it in words.

I'm sorry I'm such a needy mess right now. I am always the strong one. But now? I'm lost. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to get a life and be positive. I am journaling a lot.

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far. I am trying to have hope. I am afraid to fool myself so I am having a difficult time believing in the positive signs. Please tell me these are good things:
1. General softening - less anger
2. More will to touch me and accept affection
3. Only expresses confusion - has never said he wants to leave.
4. Says he loves me and misses me - just not consistently
5. Cut off contact with OP
6. EA only lasted 2 weeks
7. He's worried about me trusting him
8. Admits his self image is messed up by this.

Help me feel hopeful, please.

[cantbreathe]

Last night was so messed up. I was trying to avoid R talks and I was acting as normal and upbeat as possible, but he's just being withdrawn and hurtful. I told him he's not allowed to treat me badly and it escalated into a fight.

Again, he doesn't know if he loves me and wants to be here. I hope I haven't ruined everything, but I lost it. I told him how hurt and angry I really am. I told him that I don't feel like I love him all the time right now. That sometimes I can barely look at him. I said he can be mad at me and blame me all he wants but HE DID THIS. I told him that divorce or separation is not an option for me. I would try even if I hated him because of the kids. He said mostly nothing through all of it, but looked in my eyes and seemed to hear me. I called him on all his avoidance bs - the I'm not sure, I don't know, I don't care etc. I told him he doesn't want us to GO! It's not fair to be here and not try. In the end, I told him I was leaving that room and starting to live my life again and I hoped he would join me. That I wanted to look forward and not backward.

While we were getting the kids fed and to bed, he started talking to me about work, kids going to school, baseball. It continued until bedtime when he kissed me goodnight. Kissed me goodbye this morning too. I don't know what to think. I need some help.

We have the evening alone together tonight. I think we need it, but I'm worried. I know I need to be strong. Anyone have any advice? I feel so alone.

[cantbreathe]

I know these are novels. We are at the very beginning and are floundering.

I am going back to pma, be upbeat, take care of me. I am trying to remember to not believe anything he says right now. To watch for baby steps. Got anything else? Anyone?

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cb)))))
You know, at this point I wouldn't even be watching for the baby steps. Even that is putting too much pressure on yourself, and I bet he feels it, too.

First, no more R talks! It's just not a good idea. He knows what you think, and he isn't read to listen to it.

If he starts treating you badly, you can tell him, as calmly as you can, that you will not be treated that way, and walk out of the room. Don't let it turn into a fight. Set the boundary, enforce it. But that's it.

Take care of yourself, and the kids.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm new to the board, but I printed out the 180 list and keep it in my wallet. I read it at least once a day, especially if I'm going to be in contact with my WAS. You can find the 180 on this site or I'll be happy to post it for you so you can print it out.

And these points really hit home for me:

1) The person that cares the least controls the relationship. Keep doing your 180 and gain the upper hand!

2) Patience, patience, patience. Your marriage didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to fix itself overnight.

3) GAL - I fought this originally, but now I am doing just that and I'm loving it. Sure there are days I might backslide a little and feel sorry for myself, but those days are becoming less and less. Get a hobby. I am golfing for the first time ever. I stink at it, but am having a blast.

God Bless!

[cantbreathe]

Thanks guys! I have been reading the section in DR on infidelity, 180's, and MLC pretty much daily. It probably is too soon to look for baby steps. I think we're still in crisis mode. The feedback helps so much. (HUG)

[cantbreathe]

I completely failed at any dbing this weekend. We talked and fought all weekend because I found out about a lie. I pushed too hard and heard things I really didn't want to hear, like I'm not sure if i'm in love with you anymore and He doesn't like talking to me. Both things were said when i kept pushing for answers until he exploded. I know I have promised myself i would stop but I felt so desperate and crazy. I don't know if he means them or not.

I know I am suffocating him. After he left for softball I reread the 180, MLC, LRT. I left him be for the rest of the day. It hurt when he wouldn't kiss me goodbye. That has been one things that was a constant. I decided to apologize for losing it as the DR says. I told him "I'm sorry about this morning, i should have left it alone. Please know I don't want you to leave and I want to try to make this work. You know it's hard for me, but I will give you space." Then I left the room.

I kissed him goodnight later and he kissed me back and goodbye this morning. At least that step back seems to be recovered.

It is so hard to step back and distance with no answers. He never brings anything up unless I ask or push, so in a way it's my own fault I have heard some of these things. He has still not said he wants to leave, only when pushed he will say either I don't know or sometimes I think about it.

It means more that he's still here than his words right?

He asked me why I stayed with him yesterday when it's his not talking is so frustrating for me. So I told him why I love him.

I am unsure of my next step. I know I must distance and give him space, but i do want him to feel loved.

[dburt]

Time to leave him alone, you seem to not let him breathe. From a man's perspective, sometimes you just have to find some alone time.

The more you come after him to "act better" he is thinking to himself, boy that girl at the canoe trip was really cool. Time for you to start acting pretty cool.

You need to be the girl that you use to be when you met, act as if he is just a guy that may be attractive to you. Flirt with him, where some new cologne, get a new hair style, wear some pretty underwear and walk in front of him like he is not there. Go out by yourself with some of your friends and then not give him any details. Be mysterious.

It is time to act as if you are trying to get a lost puppy to come to you, you do not want him to runaway with any loud gestures. Notice that puppies come to you after you turn away?

Burt

[cantbreathe]

Thanks Burt. I think you're right. I think that maybe we wouldn't be so fragile right now if I had been able to control myself to stop talking 2 weeks ago. It is very hard to talk or ask questions and get no response - just stares. But obviously that is not working and I have to find the strength to do this. I am working on feeling calmer and acting as if things are fine.

H usually calls me on his lunch hours to touch base for a minute or 2. I will not call if doesn't. I will let him wonder.

[Virtually_Handsome]

What you've been doing isn't working. He isn't feeling loved, he's feeling suffocated.

He is begging for space... at least for now, he needs it.