Karen, yes, your post reflects my current thinking.
Wifey - thank you - yeah, I've paying attention to what she's been saying. She's responded positively to most of what I've done. I know there's work for me to do.
I feel like I have more to say but it's not coming out.
But, as she never felt the connection with her parents, she didn't find it with me either.
Sounds like a big bunch of crap to me. She clearly is connected to you from things you say, but if she's depressed you can't feel connected to anyone. You feel kind of numb and it's hard to love or feel connected to anyone.
I don't see why that would have caused you to lose hope. It sounds like you both have stuff to work on to me, like all of us. I think you should commit yourself to working on the part you can control, which is working on your stuff. Is your wife doing anything to deal with her depression: IC, ADs, etc?
We had the C session today and I feel completely deflated. I'll type more about it, but W was just so certain, C was more or less like, well, there's not much you can do then...
I forgot to add--I think your C sucks! I think the only reason a C should ever say that is if abuse or drugs is involved, and then that person should be getting IC. Esp. if what you are saying is the extent of this--geez. I wonder how many marriages that C has just let fall apart--"there's nothing you can do" is a bunch of cr**! There's always something you can do. I'm realistic that some marriages can't be saved, believe me, but there's always stuff to be worked on. Sorry, but I just think that C doesn't sound very good to me. What did you think? Karen
Karen - it's just the roller coster. I'll come out of it. Feeling better already.
I will work on my stuff.
W has been on ADs for years. She's had lots of therapy. She's seeing an IC now.
The conversation where this started, she told me that she was going back to therapy, I knew this and was glad. It's when I probed about how she was doing that she starting talking about D.
I asked her afterwards about connection, and she said, of course you can't spend 12 years with someone without feeling connected. But she's always felt something missing.
Our intimate life has never been fireworks. We've made it work - but she's said that, this should be easier, natural, not something we have to work at.
I was frustrated by the C. I'm not sure if, she was trying to keep my wife from getting defensive, or what. She gave us some "homework" - a packet where you write out stuff from your family of origin, and somehow translate this into the choices you make / should make for your mate. She said we choose our mate based on the wounds we're trying to heal from our childhood. And that this exercise is not about trying to "fix things" but to understand better for - I think she actually said this - our "next relationship."
Yeah, I was frustrated, if not mildly pissed off. Again, she may have been playing it cool to not alienate my W, but WTF?
She tried this packet on me the first session, and I said, I'm more interested in tools to help me in my goal of saving my marriage, so we had moved on.
You know Karen, I think you put your finger on it. The first session, the C said, "Doesn't seem like there's much wrong here." So, I thought that maybe she'd explore that with W.
I thought, maybe a 3rd party would make a difference. At least show some perspective. I was disappointed. I was hopeful about today.
Yeah, be patient. I'm leveling out.
W says that she's grieving the death of our R. But I'm not dead.
She did say last night, "I do enjoy spending time with you."
Funny, we've talked about the love languages in the past, and "acts of service" came out loud and clear. But I think "quality time" might be bigger. She's asked for time in the past.
The vacations and trips we've taken, she's planned them all. Not me. I was sick alot last winter, and we had to cancel some of these.
She feels "rejected"
So - she still enjoys spending time with me, I'll take advantage of that. Watching TV, family time, etc.
But I can't go to her in a state of need.
No more R talk. Jeez, it's hard to avoid, she brings it up, and after yesterday it's all fresh again.
I feel her eagerness to move on. But last time we talked about it, she was asking my input on how to do it. Is she going to push forward on her own? Yeah, sooner or later. Well I can't control it. But I'm not giving input either.
So right now, hold steady. Be strong. Put in positive energy. We're going to a baseball game tomorrow night, the family.
Had band practice last night, I guess that's something for me, but small comfort. Need to keep up the exercise. I know I've commented on PMA on others' threads, but it's hard. It's a force of will thing right now.
Gave got some Ambien from the doctor now, going to try it this weekend. Hopefully that will help me get some good sleep. Apparently this is a strange drug - can cause amnesia in some poeple - so she advised me to wait to the weekend to try it.
Wifey - some things I've done have definitely gotten a positive reaction.
Playing games with the family. Spending time with the kids - when we got home from Six Flags, she came and gave me a hug. She was impressed with the things I did last weekend, getting the basketball hoop, etc. (We had back-to-school night thius week, and my son had written in a couple of assingments how he loved playing basketball Doing more around the house, she's commented on. She's even commeneted on my efforts to take care of myself.
Last time we went through this, I caught her attention by doing unexpected things in the house... buying a new comforter for the bed, a little table, making it "my" room. That took her by surprise. Something to think about.
She responds well to me sitting and talking with her, spending time. I just need to be careful that it's not pursuing.
She's going out with a friend again tonight.
Lately, if I'm not sitting in the main room when she gets home she'll come find me. Well, last night when I got home, she was basically, "I'm going to bed." After yesterday I think we'd both had enough for the day. I'm just hoping this doesn't propell her forward.
Hi Bill, Checking in & hoping you are OK. I don't think I'm qualified to offer advice but your issue w the MC hit home with me. There are some bad ones out there & unfortunately my 1st C (I went by myself, H refused) could have been the twin of the one you saw. "there's nothing you can do" was her mantra. I would leave feeling crappier than when I came in. She poo-pooed the DR concepts when I told her about this helpful book I was reading. Finally through my grief & fog I told her I wouldn't be coming back. I had to take a C break for June & July & have just started seeing a new C. Can you look for another MC? I know it's hard to find a good one. I really liked MWD list from DR (also under articles on this site). I really appreciated your support on my 1st post - wish I could do more but offer my support. Sounds like your getting great advice though, I am learning much by reading. Please hang in there! LFA
This woman was my individual counciler, had asked for W to come in to get her perspective. Don't think I'm going back.
But yeah, I'm pulling it together. As crappy as I may sound on this board... I think I'm less distracted at work now (though I'm probably looking at this message board too much), and I'm pulling it together at home. Well, last night I was uneven. But I think in my house, I've got a braver face on than W.
I got home tonight, and I could tell W was struggling. She said she didn't do any work today. Sounds like she slept and watched TV. I was laughing and in a good mood tonight, at one point I asked if she was OK, and she shook her had and said she's sad.
I said, I know what will cheer you up, I got my guitar, I played and she sang songs. We've done this from time to time and it makes her happy. When I suggested this, she said "We should have done this more..." Well, we had a good time.
W had plans to go out with a friend of hers - a mother of triplets in our neighborhood, who is seperated. Well, her H was going to watch their kids, but backed out, so I said, just bring them over here, I'll put in a movie, no big deal. Popped some popcorn.
So W set it up - she said her friend "things you're wonderful, which of course you are, which makes me feel like s#!t..."
So that was easy enough, watching movies. When W came home, she was tired and crabby - listening to her friend go on about her situation - apparently it's pretty bad. Well, another story. She said, I've got enought of my own problems, and all I want to do is sleep...
Well, I'm going to try this Ambien tonight. Hopefully will get some good rest.
