In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Fall,

Here is me saying how to overcome insomnia. Last couple nights it has come back and hit me again. Just the anxiety of the situation just comes back and hits you. Today is one of those bad days. The W has been on tour this week...Going out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and she will be gone Saturday and at a family function on Sunday..

She had lunch with one of her friends last week who I saw this morning at the healthclub. She told me that my W said "I just wish he would cheat on me or hit me. It would make this easier. If we were divorced we could live in houses close to each other. He could see the kids anytime he or they wanted. It is too late to fix the marriage."

I asked her friend if there was any warmth towards me at all--she didn't see any.

I have to say, when I got home from the healthclub, I couldn't even look at my W. I just got ready for work and left. It just drains the love and compassion right out of you. Sometimes I just want to call it quits. Get on with my life, find someone who I can be happy with. This pain sucks, The unhappiness sucks. I know giving in and giving her the divorce she wants is the easy way out for me and her. But it is just so hard coming home, eating dinner with her, prenting to be happy around her. A couple weeks back she invited me out for our anniversary to this fundraiser. I don't want to go, but I did accept. I feel like that village idiot hoping she will see me in a different light. Right now, the only light she sees is the light at the end of the divorce tunnel. The thing is I don't think she will file. I think she has enough patience to just wait it out till she breaks me and I have to get out.

I just can't sleep in the same bed with her. As soon as she lays down, my mind starts going. It is hard enough sleeping downstairs on the couch. I am tired of taking ambien to go to sleep. I am tired of not feeling close to her. Hell, just a hug would make me feel good. I look at her while she is sleeping and I just can't believe this is my W. That this is where my life is now. Therapy has helped, but it is not going to fix her. I am starting to wonder if she can fix herself. That is my only hope at this point. I fear that the only way that can happen is if we are divorced. There will be a point of no return for me. Sometimes I feel that day is coming...

I know that I am rambling..This is just a hard day. I am taking my sons camping this weekend. That she be a good decompression for me.

I am taking Mach's advice and venting here. Today is one of those days where I would want to have the "relationship" discussion. I promised I wouldn't so I am not....