Young couple in need of help

[Stronger]

R,

I'm going to let you make the call about the car ticket. I say no, don't pay it, but you are trying to make peace but at the same time, not be her whipping boy. Your call.

I know you want to see her, but maybe you need to do these fiancial and tactical "talks" via email. Then you have a record. And then you might even have a record of how nasty she can be.

But if you are going to to go to dinner, then write down your proposal and bring two pencils so you can make changes accordingly.

Try to keep in mind, this is not really your wife, this is a business meeting now....work up from there. You are re-establishing your relationship with her because the old one is dead.

Do you understand that, by the way? You're old marriage is dead and gone....let's work on a new relationship with her, ok?

[sumguy27]

Yes I understand that. Thats why I plan on bringing the bills in paper form and have a note book handy. I'm going to write down everything. I'm going to go into this prepared this time and not just try and wing it.

[sumguy27]

Just keeping a record of what has been replied back in fourth so far:

W:
Dude I don't have a sitter
Me:
Well please find one. I'm sure you can find someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours.
W:
ugh...I guess about what time then?
Me:
Lets make it about 7:30. Where would you like to go?
W:
I don't care anywhere is fine........Stella's Fish Cafe?
Me:
Haha Sure

I laughed because it brings back memmories of the first time and everytime we go there.

Now the hard part is we are probably going to car pool I think. Because finding parking in uptown Minneapolis is a nightmare around that time. So I like the advice of me throwing cash on the table and leaving if we get off topic but I don't think its going to work.

[Stronger]

That's fine and I don't think that was necessarily serious advice, but more of a mindset you need to be in. You need to be able to walk away from the fights. You need to show her, you are a man and this is no playground with bullies and popular kids. This is a freaking marriage with responsibilities that go with it....serious responsibilities.

[sumguy27]

Tonight is the big night. I finished DB last night.

So here is what I have to do differently so she can see changes after our dinner discussion.

1. Stop all contact with her
2. If she emails or contacts me ignore her
3. Stop assuming things from other people
4. Don't give up and be strong
5. GAL and make myself happy with out her

but how do you resist the urge to not kick the crap out of this OM? Its like I'm not trying to find out about him but friends just keep telling me what a loser he is and he is just a snake. How he is a charmer but really is the biggest player. UGGGGH! Its so hard to resist kicking this guys face in. My niece told me how he was and all she said was" well because she is so in love with him duh. Your going to believe her?" OMG Obviously this guy is going to say anything to get into your pants! Ok stay cool and calm. I need to breath. I need to breath.

On another note I have almost reached my goal of weight loss since Feb. I was at 172 and now I'm down to 142. Woo hoo! 2 more lbs and then I'm at my goal! I actually did it for her and myself. I tried on some old jeans I haven't worn for years and there even kind of loose! I lost my double chin haha.

Now something different that she may she changes I don't know if this is a good idea but hey I'm suppose to see her as a friend now right? I hate rap music. Not all of it I like the oldschool stuff more. Rap to me if you really listen to it is like country music. They talk about there money, there women, and there dog's. I'm more of a oldschool 80's and 90's rock, Trance, and Hmong music. I'm thinking of opening up to her likes and getting some Lil Wayne tickets on September 1st. I was thinking about bringing it up during the dinner before we discuss our issues. Or should I do it after? I should I not do it at all?

[sumguy27]

Ok so While I was working she texted me she couldn't find a sitter. I was in a middle of sale and said I will contact you when I'm done.

I then asked if she had explored all of her resources for a baby sitter and she lashes out"what you wanted to talk?" I found one after a couple of phone calls. I said meet me at my sisters at around 6 or 6:30 please.

Since she had insisted that I dropped off the kids for her last week for me to just take them early. I told her I apologize for my actions and that my place is still a mess and can you take them back to your place and drop them off tomorrow when we are done? (we live about 20 mins away from each other its not that far of a drive. Plus my place is a mess as I haven't had the chance to clean and I was being depressed and lazy earlier in the week. I just wanted a clean place for them when they get to my place.)

She lashes out at me and says "oh sure so u could F***en drop them off whenvea u like huh? Even when my place is a mess and I have no food for them right?

Me:
Look I don't want too argue with you. Because an eye for an eye has made us both blind on what really matters the kids.

W:
Dude whateva your so f***ing full of Sh** a**hole

me:
and I apologize for my actions last week. If its a big deal for you I will take them then. I don't want to argue ok?

Me:You couldn't wait till my next text? I only have 160 charaters for text.

W: wateva

Me:
Look I can take them if you want thats not a bid deal ok? I will have to drop my plans after our meeting. And I will take them if you don't want too ( was going to go to a buddy's house just to hang out)

m:
Please don't argue with me ok? I'm not trying to start a fight with you. I just want us to be civil and more mature about the whole situation.

w:
wateva do wat u gotta do. I don't care nemore

m:
look ok these or our kids. Please do not take it ou on me because of them. Please be civil as this is important for both of us.

w:
I'm not okay it just doesn't make sense to drop them off ova there n then take them back n then 2morrow drop them off again. I'll just take them back

m:
I understand that. And I will take them ok no problem. Don't worry about it. I don't want to argue with you and I want to stop fighing about these issues.

w:
no 4get okay

I should have just said yes. geez I mean is not like we live a hour away from each other. And I know what she is trying to do. Its that game of getting back at each other. And the little ones should not be in the middle of it. I'm just going to take them. I miss them anyways haven't seen them all week! I have tried to stop all the foul language with her also. This was all through text.

Wished she would just drop all this anger towards me. I hope tonight is going to be civil. Good thing its in public. I hope she sees that the real big picture is the kids!

[sumguy27]

Tonight was a success! We didn't fight! We disagreed on 1 topic. She doesn't have no one to support her when it comes to watching the kids. So I did suggest for her to come back and live with me so my mom can watch them during winter. I knew her answer already and I just said think about it you don't have to answer me now even though I know its a no. she said ok. We didn't fight and I didn't bring up the relationship! She even agreed on going to the Lil wayne concert! Its baby steps I know but I can feel the wall coming down just a tiny bit. I didn't push her at all. I did talk about her acholism anf how it concerns me and I care for her and love her and I don't want her to get taken advantage off. She just said ok. Wow! I feel good. And I hope this is a good start.

[cpfullofhope]

R-
You are showing a lot of growth in the way you are talking with her. It will take many many of these more mature conversations on your part before she starts acting mature too. Don't get to hung up in what she does or doesn't do, what she does or doesn't say. Remember right now it is about you and your kids. You can't do ANYTHING about what she is doing.

[sumguy27]

Today spent time with her and the kids at the ZOO. Felt really good like old times. There were wired moments and akward sliences. But just glad she spent time time with me and the kids. No arguing she is starting to loosen up to me.

[Stronger]

THIS IS HUGE!!!!
Your list is perfect. But it can't be just a list. It has to become a way of life.
Here's your motivation, the more you grow up and accomplish the list, the more she will too.
No more fighting. No more name calling The next time she needs help with the kids, just say yes. Don't ask why or where she is going....only ask when she will be picking them up. And be happy about it and make it clear you are really looking forward to time with them. Make her want to accept that offer to move back home. Make her want to accept by being a guy she wants to be around.

Good job. I'm really proud of you!