... This morning we were exchanging for the shower. I noticed she checked me out. I went over and kissed her; I think she tried to resist but couldn't. "Why do you do that?" she said afterward.
On the way out we hugged and I asked for a kiss again (I really need to stop). She did but with no passion. Then said "I am just as confused as you are." M: "Confussion is no reason to make these decissions." W: "Please don't."
This is so hard. I know I really screwed up. How does one stop obsessing about this?
Well admitting that this is hard is the first step. It is hard, very hard, probably one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to go through.
You are screwing up: no more kissing, no more hugging, no more reaching out to her for affection, you mentioned it yourself, there is no passion or feeling in her kisses & hugs. She is now resisting your kisses, do you see she knows the power & hold she has over you, never mind the spoken word, body language is much more powerful & revealing. She is also toying with you, looking at you to get a rise from you, saying words like "handsome" to give you a false sense of security and then she pulls the floor out from underneath you. Plus when you reach out for her to get her affection you are communicating your insecurity of losing her....
STOP DOING THIS!!!
BTW - you don't have to agree to dissolution, you can agree to separation if she wants it.
Stop pursuing her.
If you do end up talking later, refuse the urge to cling to her, clingy men are the most unattractive men. If she starts talking about the separation again, tell her that maybe she is right - yes throw the monkey wrench into this, agree with her. Tell her you don't like how any of this has made you feel, that you've been wrestling with this inside your head and maybe you need to discover what you want from a partner because currently your needs aren't being met and be honest about this, your needs currently aren't being met - how could they be while she is having an affair with the OM. You wouldn't be clingy if your needs were being met, you wouldn't be insecure if you had everything you needed. Tell her that for you to understand what she is going through, you need to detach emotionally from her and go through the same discovery process and date other women and see what it's like to have feelings for someone else. Tell her all this and gauge her response and don't focus on the spoken word, focus on her body language: look at her eyes when you tell her this, does she maintain eye contact and look away first? Look at her body when you are telling her these things, does she fidget and move alot, are her arms crossed, is she standing straight & square with you or is she positioned with her side facing you? Body language is so much more important than any words she might be speaking - remember the WAS scripts, also remember that part of the affair process requires them to do a lot of lying & deceiving, don't call her on her lies, just know that it's part of her language right now to protect herself based on the things she is doing that make her feel guilty.
STOP BEING INSECURE!!!
No more hugs, no more kisses.
Yes I know it's hard, it will get alot harder... before it gets easier and it will get easier.
Those nearly suicidal feelings, I think it's normal to hurt so bad when someone you love so much is hurting you in this way. I'm not going to sweet talk you and tell you that these feelings will dissipate in a day, you may feel like this for several days & weeks. Regardless put your game face on and start considering all of this a game (yes a game you didn't choose to play but you are choosing to WIN) - don't display your hurt feelings to her, and don't you dare cry in front of her, pleading & begging to come back (seriously don't repeat this mistake that so many others end up doing, it pretty much solidifies the WAS's ideas that you aren't worth it to them, how can someone who has such low value be worthwhile to the WAS?)
Remember, you have to do things that are counter-intuitive. No gifts, no presents, no clinging, no initiatings kisses, hugs, affection, no initiating conversations, emails, txts, no more of you being an open book.
The quicker you are able to implement these things, the better position you will be in to heal from these things, improve as a person and work on turning this thing around.
Tristan I believe you're smart enough and have the tools to get this thing turned around, I wouldn't have bothered posting "volumes" of posts on your thread if I didn't believe otherwise. But it's not enough for me to believe or anyone else on this forum to believe it, you have to believe this, really believe it and then get ready for the work that lies ahead.
