no haven't read Deepak although I have heard of synchronicity. For a long time that idea sort of confused me, and no I never googled it (never even thought of it) but I will. I did google Karma though and have read much on the conflicting schools of thought about it. Still no totally sure what exactly I think karma is or if it is real. Because that would mean that we really don't have free will, as I've interperated it anyway, and I don't know if I like that. I do believe we have free will even though we also have a life path to travel and certain people who's paths we are meant to cross. I think that sometimes our free will interferes with that. But...
Honestly, as far as the wisdom, I don't always feel so wise. I don't believe that it comes from me exactly. I share with people as much as I can. People might not always agree with me, especially as I probably should have been born in another century, but if I can make someone think, then I've done my job.
I'm getting there. My guides have shared that I'm on the right path for me. That is very important for me. I know what God wants for me and I have faith that He will provide when the time is right.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Since I write so much, I thought I would try to contain it all over here. LOL
Yes, that has been one of my biggest things all along. The old M is dead and it is about creating a new one. Too bad our H's may not see it that way.
I too had that sort of cycle with H. Different but same. That is why I had to really find me again. In some ways though, I now have anger with H if he leaves and I have to start doing all of that for myself again. But only time will tell. Since I have a habit if just fixing everything, having him do it, although sometimes it feels almost like I am forcing him (no nagging, no repeat asking, no frustration), it is what I have to do for me. He will either accept it or not. Of course, I know he sort of doesn't understand, but that is ok.
My son, he is dealing. We have a wonderful R. He talks to me. He is actually the one who said MLC first. Then I heard it from others. He has much anger with his father. As I posted before, they have physically fought. He hurts. But his eyes are so wide open. I wish H's were that wide open considering the damage he is causing. But my S knows that mom will always be here no matter what and that mom will always take care of him no matter what. We have fun again. I honestly don't know where I would be without my S. That is something wonderful that has come out of all of this. Of course, he is a typical teenager, with typical behavior, but I am blessed because he has learned what his father and I have been trying to teach him all of his life. I am afraid though because this really is the time when a boy needs his father and I, having no brothers, have no clue, beyond the technical stuff, about what is going on with him. When this all started, he was more your S's age. He was very hurt. Very hurt by everything. He could not understand why someone would just give up. He still can't understand that. But he is learning that you don't quit. He says he is also learning how not to treat people that you love. He doesn't understand how his father could be so blind that he has someone who loves him as much as I do. He sees the things that I do that, at least to my S, show love. He is a very insightful kid.
It breaks my heart but all I can do is be here for my S. I do share with H things that S says to me, but whether H gets it or not, who knows.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I have found to that my kids who are 22 and 18 have both been affected by my situation. My S(22) who lives away from home has lost all respect for his father and so has D(18) who can't be in the same room.
I think it is a shame that our H's have chosen a path that destroys trust and respect with their kids, that trust and respect will be very hard if not impossible to repair.
I too have rediscovered my faith, lost it for many years, but a close girlfriend who believes that God has a plan for all of us is at work all the time around us presenting challenges so we can grow and become better stronger people.
Hey sorry I've been sort of absent but you seem to be doing much better.
I agree with your friends thoughts about God. I know I posted something somewhere about that same idea a few weeks back but who knows where LOL.
I don't really think age matters with the kids. Because the person they thought they knew becomes someone else entirely. In fact, even when parents have a lifetime of repeat bad behavior, I think whenever it seems like they have changed and then they go back to the bad stuff it is disappointing. It is a cycle I have watched my MIL perpetuate in H's life for the 20 years I have been around and before that as well. The repeat happened again just last month and I think he was as hurt by it now as he has always been. As we get older, we try to say things don't bother us, but when the look in your eyes and tone of your voice are still the same when you talk about it, you know it still bothers. That is where healing and learning to accept people come in and are necessary. But as children, we can always hope.
Have a great weekend, I will pop in and out probably.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"The repeat happened again just last month and I think he was as hurt by it now as he has always been"
Cat, do you notice any changes in your H`s humour depending on his interaction with his mother? I think I see a pattern in mine. Just wondering. MIL doesn`t live near us, praise the Lord!, but once he`s been on the phone to her, he`s straight into bad mood territory.
the worst thing for these guys is that they don`t seem to have the language to articulate their feelings, don`t have a clue about the possiblity of reconciliation and forgiveness.
I`m really working with my sons on the communication issue. I don`t shirk from any topic and don`t over talk either(well, not for me anyway...) and I try to be available whenever they want to talk(though i`m thinking of putting a do not disturb after 10 30pm sign on my bedroom door!)
First, the do not disturb thing, worked wonders in this house. I just tell S going to meditate, read, whatever, and that is it for the night unless emergency (I defined emergency--fire, phone from family, breakin, etc...) And it seems to work. Until I tell him that, he is in and out if I try to come lay down early.
You are totally right about the the concepts of forgivness and reconciliation. No clue. No real idea how to process the feelings without being angry. But as we don't respond to the anger in the ways we used to (yes I would argue back as well) they have to find other ways, or move on to someone else who will interact with them in that way. The only options really.
My H's R with MIL is odd in many ways. She is extremly manipulative. She is an alcoholic, she suffers from her own depression, possible mania, and severe paranoia. Insecurity, overcompensation when sober, and guilt. She has a unique way of dealing with each person in her life. She learns what works with each individual and then does her best to use it to her advantage. So the ways she deals with each of her sons is different. One of them is her drinking buddy, he is the "good" son, who always needs his mommy to save him. But when he doesn't do what she wants, she ignores. My H, they have power struggles often. But my H still lets her manipulate him. She plays on his sympathy of her being alone, her having no one, her being incapable to do certain things. He gets very angry with her when she is drinking, so more often than not, they do not speak on the phone. He listens to her paranoid thoughts (like my neighbor cutting up his family and putting them in his trunk when she saw him taking out the trash), but does his best to ignore them. Because he does/did see a lot of it for what it was. But there have been times in her life, when she has stopped drinking, that she was more normal. Then he was willing to interact with her, but I think he resented having to take care of her in many ways. She always tried to get H to do things for her, to save her. H is the oldest, and he was expected to fill in the adult role most of his life. I can remember when BIL came home wasted one night (he was 13, we were 17). MIL could not deal with it. So H and I had to. BIL started to run away, use drugs, break into homes as a teen. MIL did nothing. Of course, it bothered her, but she didn't know what to do, how to get him help, how to punish (restriction, etc...) and H had moved out by then because he couldn't take it anymore. When he would not help to tell her what to do (because she never listened to him anyway), she sent BIL to live with his sick, elderly grandparents in another state.
So my H sort of has a save his mommy complex and when he can't, he gets upset, but it is wierd because I think on some level, he knows that he is better off keeping distance with her. He wants a mother, which he has never really had. H thought he wanted a normal family, but it makes him very uncomfortable to be honest. What is normal for most of us, doesn't seem normal to him. I don't know if this makes any sense, but... My H is used to dysfunction. Very used to it. It is his comfort zone. But he knows enough to know it is not what he wanted to give his S. At least he did. Now I'm just not so sure. I don't know if he will ever be able to maintain healthy R for any real length of time. Only time will tell I guess.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"What is normal for most of us, doesn't seem normal to him. I don't know if this makes any sense, but... My H is used to dysfunction"
Hmmmm, I find it very interesting to realise how much an impact our family of origin stuff has on our dealings with others as adults. We`re coming from different-in some cases, entirely different sets of behaviours and, as much of it is subconcious stuff, it`s almost impossible to read someone coming from another way of interacting.
So, that`s where we clash. In H`s family dishonesty is admired, whereas I`m honest to the point of being utterly niave. In H`s family appearances are everything, from my family outward appearances meant nothing. My family are very critical, H`s full of praise.
Being aware helps, though I can only change the negative in me. I`m not going to speak all of H`s language-not sinking to his dishonesty, but trying to rise to his need for praise for example.
Throwing an alcoholic MIL into the mix makes for an even more deadly chemical cocktail. My FIL is an alcoholic but now I`m begining to see MIL`s role in that too. Its the enabling thing.
Our spouses are children of alcoholics and there`s a whole set of behaviours that we have chosen to live with in chosing them. Maybe we chose them for our own learning. Whatever.We have to chose the learning now in order to survive and not get sucked in. the learning involves a whole new way of interacting. Our H`s may soak it up unconsciously. They certainly can`t be taught it directly.
Our learning though is primarily for us though.I feel its good to heal and learn as long as possible within the marriage because separation when we`re raw, wounded and unhealed would be a different place from separation where I have moved on in myself.
No I don`t expect H to move on too easily, if at all. I don`t expect him to have much learning for himself in this.So, like you, I don`t know if he can maintain a healthy R without that awareness.
I have no faith in words when it comes to dealing with my H. I can only be the change-calm, quiet, content, patient and wait. For another while anyway.
