You are right. I am weak right now. I became clingy last night and this morning. Last night we slept apart, I felt I was becoming nearly suicidal; it hurt that bad. I know that I need to move on. I need to let go and let her find her own way.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I called OM W (she is still W, they can't agree on child custody). I asked if he was abusive, she said no. Not physically, sexually, or emotionally. Of course, she was emotionally hurt by him; but was not abused. So that puts that to rest. However, in the conversation I let it slip that W was bipolar (I can't believe how I let that out). Long story short, W found out and was angry.
She has called a lawyer and asked for a dissolution, not a seperation. A couple of things on her mental state: she said she was extrememly depressed when she talked to the psych. This was 2 days after what she still admits to be a very happy weekend. She said her IC discovered yesterday that her mood is very flat. That a dissolution should bring out a rather intense emotion and she says she feels very little emotion right now. She says she just feels numb. She says she thinks it stared with the change of med dosage on Tuesday; but that seems awfully quick.
I talked a little more to her this morning and said do you notice that you are almost always happy on the weekends and irritable and distant during the week. She looked at me puzzled and said no, but I think you are right. That is something to look into. As she left she says, "You are smart and so darn handsome."
This morning we were exchanging for the shower. I noticed she checked me out. I went over and kissed her; I think she tried to resist but couldn't. "Why do you do that?" she said afterward.
On the way out we hugged and I asked for a kiss again (I really need to stop). She did but with no passion. Then said "I am just as confused as you are." M: "Confussion is no reason to make these decissions." W: "Please don't."
This is so hard. I know I really screwed up. How does one stop obsessing about this?
