Hi guys, Thank you all so much for your advice and for checking in; I really appreciate it! You all have some pearls of wisdom and I thank you for your candor, I need to hear these things.
In terms of GAL and all, I actually do feel better this past month with H out of country than I have all this yr..I've had time to reflect and not obsess as much about 'should i call, should i not call' etc. I probably do seem desperate and I don't want to.
Would have written here last night but got home late from work travel...the thing is I travel a lot for work and I've tried to make it more fun for myself lately, where it used to be a bear. I meet up with old friends in cities across the country, explore, talk to random people on the plane. I'm trying to live in the moment before and enjoy 'me' time. He definitely creeps up in my mind a lot, but being with my oldest friends more across the past few months has reminded me about 'me' before H entered the picture. I've also been doing a lot of little things to treat and reward myself (airport massages!) and have been getting some good feedback at work lately, where 3 months ago I felt I could barely do my job.
I have been taking care of my appearance more too, and having fun with that...putting on a little extra makeup, getting lots of exercise...buying an item or two when i used to hate shopping (yes I am one of those women that actually does not like to shop...but now I'm having fun w it).
I did go to therapy the first 6 mos of this year...my insurance just changed so yet to find a new one. As Stronger said, you are right, it made me face some demons I had to own up to, and behaviors and ways that were not healthy...for that I am grateful. I've read Pearl's link on 'loving detachment' several times and try to envision me and H as 'mere specks in this huge universe' to think that there is so much more out there. I do vent to my friends and mom, but trying to - if I can - talk about it a bit less as I think my friends were getting sick and tired of it and giving advice, and it often just upset me more.
I get it about not talking to friends. I appreciate your advice. I think I will just sit tight and do my own thing until/if H contacts me when he gets back. Funny thing is he did email me about 2 weeks ago from abroad, and I decided to sit on it a few days - not write back right away - and on the 4th day he emailed me "Hello? Are you mad at me? Why haven't you written back?" and just asked how my mom was recuperating....it seems like my pulling back is better perhaps, keeps him curious. It's hard in person, however, when he asks how I'm doing to just fake it and say 'fine'. That i need to work on...I always seem to tear up when he asks me that question.
So yesterday on the flight home I see a very, very cute man...I checked him out and smiled. Of course nothing came of it but it made me realize there are other people out there... I think that's one of my big fears too, is never meeting anyone again that I have that level of closeness with. Common fear I'm sure. It's also hard when I spend time w friends who have kids b/c I do really want a family one day...but I've decided that worrying about it doesn't help. I need to do the 'fake it till i make it' more...think positively and be happy even when I don't feel so...it does help when I've expirimented in the past.
So to answer Stronger's question. Yes, I absolutely would have no problem changing my name and told him a few months ago I would do so, and would if we got back together. I always thought I would when we had kids. Part of it was my dad died shortly before we got married, and I am an only child, so I guess it was a way to 'hold on' to my identity and my fam of origin in some ways...and i'd been using it w work and everything for past few yrs. But with kids I always wanted one family name. In terms of background, his family comes from South America and although he is very americanized...grew up in Miami and went to college in northeast and everything, lately the more 'traditional' side has come out. I speak Spanish fluently and have lived abroad, so for me I've always been very comfortable around the culture, but lately he'd said comments like "i'm just not the subservient type women.." WTF??? He knew who I was when he met me, yes that I enjoy my career and work hard and am certainly a modern woman, but at same time have traditional values and want a family. I think his fam sees me as this very modern woman - perhaps not trad'l enough or something - and that's hurt things...I don't know. So there are some cultural differences, along with diffs in education, bkdg, economics etc in our fams of origin. Not a big deal for me and he and I are very much on same page w our values (or so I thought) - but it sounds like his values may have changed. At this biz school you go out and younger women pawning all over him.. I still think he's going through some early MLC or identity thing b/c he was so sweet and almost passive in our marriage and now he's trying to assert himself in different ways and talks about people in a way he never has before.
I did buy Stronger's book suggestion: "how to improve marriage w/o talking about" and will read this weekend..although dont know if i'll have a chance to practice tactics since we don't live together" But last night I did have a more empowered moment when I thought about all his recent grievances (the name change or joint account b.s.) - and then thought to myself, "well if you're the man in this relationship, why the hell did you never, ever bring this stuff up??" He always deferred to me and he could have stepped up to the plate more himself.. blah blah but all is past stuff guess.
So i'm trying to just do my own thing across the next couple wks. He prob will contact me shortly to get his remaining stuff at our apt to move into his new one (w his 27-yr-old male roommate, who in my opinion is going on 21)...I wonder if starting over and setting up everything new will make him wonder about the finality of what he's doing. Who knows? For the time being I plan to stay in Boston and be somewhat bi-coastal so I'm not here in his world all the time...but again if this does end I'll probably think about moving. When he asks why I'm not moving I just say "I like it here" and leave it at that, but I think he thinks I'm staying for him.
Anyways, yes I do absolutely still love him and think we could have something wonderful again if he was willing to make this work, but I also have my moments of "I deserve better" which feel empowering. I think Retrovaille would be healing regardless of what happens in the future, and have tried to position it so that we can communicate better and let go of past regardless of the outcome... but I will not press it as Pearl suggests when he gets home.
Thanks for reading. Please let me know what other ?s you might have to clarify the situation. I agree that what men often like in the beginning they decide is too much later on..and I know that i need to work on some tendencies too. At this juncture though i feel 'damned if I do and damned if i dont' w H...but I should prob just start living my own life a bit more, I know. I hope you are all doing well! Kindly, hhh
