What does he want?

[cantbreathe]

Last night was so messed up. I was trying to avoid R talks and I was acting as normal and upbeat as possible, but he's just being withdrawn and hurtful. I told him he's not allowed to treat me badly and it escalated into a fight.

Again, he doesn't know if he loves me and wants to be here. I hope I haven't ruined everything, but I lost it. I told him how hurt and angry I really am. I told him that I don't feel like I love him all the time right now. That sometimes I can barely look at him. I said he can be mad at me and blame me all he wants but HE DID THIS. I told him that divorce or separation is not an option for me. I would try even if I hated him because of the kids. He said mostly nothing through all of it, but looked in my eyes and seemed to hear me. I called him on all his avoidance bs - the I'm not sure, I don't know, I don't care etc. I told him he doesn't want us to GO! It's not fair to be here and not try. In the end, I told him I was leaving that room and starting to live my life again and I hoped he would join me. That I wanted to look forward and not backward.

While we were getting the kids fed and to bed, he started talking to me about work, kids going to school, baseball. It continued until bedtime when he kissed me goodnight. Kissed me goodbye this morning too. I don't know what to think. I need some help.

We have the evening alone together tonight. I think we need it, but I'm worried. I know I need to be strong. Anyone have any advice? I feel so alone.