Yes I agree with the therapist! I thanked her for telling me-in between tears!I know she is right.
I`m sad though because I`m afraid it may be just too late to save the marriage.
I`m equally sad because of the damage I`ve done to four very dear people.
Yes, I am Little Miss Fix-It and Little Miss Know-It-All.Its been interesting to see where that came from... Lets just say when I head home to my folks place these days I`m all eyes and ears.
And its been interesting to wade back to the start of our relationship and see how I bashed my H right from the get go.
So, I have it coming to me in spadeloads.
If that has been the dynamic from the start of our R(23 yesrs ago!) how can that change?
I can feel my guilt laying like a cross right through my body. I just wanted to sleep all day yestersday and eventually, when H came home I said I was off for a walk. Ok it was a lie(and I hate deceit) but I couldn`t tell him I was off to a parking lot to listen to a meditation cd and fall asleep.
Yes, I see now how I stay busy busy and and lots of other tactics to avoid listening to my heart.
So yes, Cat, I did the busy busy and I-resent-you-for-that thing. I shoved it in H`s face that I could do the Man jobs too! I made all the decisions re the kids-and resented that I`d to do everything.Home improvements, working full time,helping the kids with everything yup I did that. Didn`t have time for me, yup, hated H for that.
I realise that H has realised all of this before me. He recently told me "I was too weak for you" "I am too dishonest" "I should have stood up to you""I let you control everything" "I am living someone elses life, not the one I want"
Thank God for DB, as I actually bloody well listened to him. Didn`t agree as wholeheartedly as I would today but I did get to say stuff like "I never thought of it like that/thanks for telling me"
Now I`m more likely to say"What a pain in the butt I am. I`m sorry"
I look like a dogs dinner today. Wrecked. And just want to crawl back under a rock. Or back to bed even. But being a Miss Fix It I`m thinking of the following course of action.It`s hopefully on the more surrendered wife mode Cat. Yes, I get that. I`ve often thought that women`s lib did a disservice to women anyway making us believe we could do it all. Frigging exhausting stuff.
Dress the way H would like to see me dressed. Make up etc.
Cook a good dinner that he can decide to eat or not.
Have the house looking well.
Hold my cross of guilt in my heart to keep me humble.
Let the lawn grow, don`t get the shower fixed.
I have to go into work today for a few hours. Going to take my new found calmness and shut mouth with me.
Dunno if H will be home this pm. He hasn`t mentioned S since though of course is well on his way out. Not wearing his wedding ring anymore either. I`m planning nothing for this pm-just lots of yoga, prayer, meditation for me.
And being humble and listening if he wants to talk.
