Thank you VH. You are right. I've been working very hard the last two weeks to stop the cycle of arguing. Like I said before, my usual stance was to want H to control his reactions and his anger, and to not want to change until he does. This has been my stance for years. I'm finally getting it that I no longer can wait for him to be nice, or calm, or fair, or whatever. I have a choice as to my words and actions only. I am working really hard on this and still slip sometimes but I feel good at the progress.
The walking away when he's yelling at me is so hard. My C tells me exactly what you said, that listening to him yell or vent is not helpful and isn't "hearing each other". But H thinks if I leave, I "don't care" and "don't want to hear him". I have said over and over again exactly what you suggested almost word for word! It enrages him more. So if I get him to keep coming to counselling, this is something I intend to bring up.
He says he feels raw like his hurts are just hanging out exposed to be set off at the tiniest thing. They are hurts from the past. I just have to remind myself of that and not take it in that it is about the nitpicky thing.
Ps After a nap, he invited me to the living room to watch a show. We laughed together. This used to be our evening ritual before the bomb and this is the first time we have shared this since. Baby steps! He's still threatening to be gone all weekend, however, so I should n't get my hopes up.
The MC says that if I can stay calm and do my changes for a month, it will give him more leverage to back me up in the counselling to ask H directly if he notices my changes and to then talk about him making changes too. But until then, the work is mine.
