frank_D!? No way. You're still on the boards? Wow you must be very accomplished at helping people. You joined when I'd been on nearly a year - I was calling4courage and later posted as march4th. I don't know if you remember me, doesn't matter. Anyway- wow. Weren't you successful & piecing? You were amazing and you were always so generous and patient with everyone.
Kalni, I'm out of it. Has your thread moved? Where are you posting now? Hope you get some good "me time" with the kids gone. Let all the different feelings and emotions come and go as they pass thru you. Even though you probably can't feel it yet, the healing has begun. Sending hugs.
frank_D!? No way. You're still on the boards? Wow you must be very accomplished at helping people. You joined when I'd been on nearly a year - I was calling4courage and later posted as march4th. I don't know if you remember me, doesn't matter. Anyway- wow. Weren't you successful & piecing? You were amazing and you were always so generous and patient with everyone.
Thanks for the kudos. I was 'successful' at piecing for about 6 months. In hindsight I realize that I wasn't 'piecing', I was 'fixing'. Ultimately it drained me to always be giving and never receiving what I needed. I spiraled into depression and started to drink in the evenings. STBX went back to her old ways, met a married guy on a band trip, had a EA with him and decided she wanted a divorce. Now she's out and has another OM who is a 'puppet'.
I let the anger and hurt affect me and I haven't really been helping people much on the board. I'm a lot better now but I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can contribute much in the way of positiveness so I mostly just follow people who I know.
Hope you are well. You have no idea how much I needed to read your post to me. I have my own thread in my sig.
(hijacking) See that frank.....you don't realize how important you were in the lives of others. Even I STILL CALL YOU for balance and stability. You have a unique ability to read into situations and give sound advice.
How are you today Kalni? FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It never ceases to amaze me how the ALL follow the EXACT same script.
1. Seek time apart to reassess your marriage
2. Tell your spouse that you have not been happy in the marriage for X number of years, they have been the worst of your life – this will come as much to your spouse's surprise
3. Withdraw (detach your self) from your spouse and intimate communication in the marriage
4. Begin to “paint” your spouse in a different light and with a “dark brush”
5. Tell others how your spouse makes you feel and garner support for your new perspective
6. Cast Blame upon your spouse for the way YOU feel and twist and stir into the pot how they make you feel this way
7. Create a secret life. Take on a persona – become someone you are not… A partier or a care giver – anything that suits
8. Take on a new set of friends that “agree” with you and your current choices
9. Create a secret Email Hotmail account that your spouse knows nothing about to communicate among your friends
10. Rewrite the marital history by keeping a tab on all adversities past and present, and how you felt at the time, and convince yourself that it IS and perhaps always has been this bad
11. Play through in your private thoughts, every negative discussion and event in your marriage to date as a means of justifying present feelings and your current stance
12. Leave behind your former hobbies and interests but do get overly committed to your work or careers as a means of withdrawal and an antidote to your sadness
13. Lash out in anger but remember to accuse your partner of doing what you yourself are doing
14. For a time you will appear to be your normal self publicly, but appear completely different with your spouse at home.
15. Rid your surroundings of the intimacies that contradict how you feel NOW. – Things like his/her old love cards to you, trinkets, jewellery, and keepsakes. If these are on display or treasured they tell a different story from the one you now present.
16. Convince yourself your children will be just fine, regardless of their age.
17. Seek personal happiness and self-medicate - Treat yourself to indulgences to make yourself feel better - toys, cars, sex, drugs, etc. Havent you always been serving others at the sacrifice of your own needs/wants/desires and dreams? Do not delay! Make yourself #1 at all costs, as your time on Earth is running out.
18. Act as though your skin has been burned by melting steel if your spouse accidentally brushes your arm when passing you in the hallway
19. TALK IN CIRCLES-sometimes "yes" means the same as "no" and vice versa. Say one thing one day and the complete opposite the next and look like you have no idea you ever said the first thing when questioned about it.
20. DENY THAT YOUR MORALS AND VALUES EVER MEANT ANYTHNG TO YOU-be sure to find the one person that you know will tell you what you want to hear about divorcing your evil spouse even though you know many, many more people that would tell you differently, that way you can justify to your spouse why you need to leave--so-and-so said so!
21. JUST PLAIN DENY, DENY, DENYNever tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It could hurt your case for wanting to run away.
22. BE SURE TO SAY YOU WANT TO REMAIN FRIENDS YET DO NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT WOULD LEAD ANYONE TO BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.Never come around, never offer to help, withhold money, stall during your divorce process as long as you can so you don't have to "pay up" what you owe your spouse in maintenance.
23. Protect your cell phone as if what it contained were a matter of national security, perhaps the classified code to activate all the nuclear weapons in the world. Leap over single sofas and two chairs when it rings, making sure to knock your child out of the way, just so YOU can be the one to answer it.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
"Mad, furious, angry... He responds with anger too. How the hell could he lie for 3 years..."
K, I'm scrambling to catch up with you. But I've been where you are are further. I happen to still believe that these WAs, cheaters and adulterers need to be paraded naked thru' the streets with a big A on their foreheads and then put in jail for life with the key thrown away just like in primitive times.
Instead the modern "legal system" rewards them with custody of the kids and $$$. Of course I do not want to be the one handing out punishment - I want some higher power like the state or God to punish these people. That's the only way this non-sense would be a little less prevalent. Sorry I'm not as graceful as Kerry and John in this regard and I don't mind if anyone disagrees with me.
So there, I'm still with you. Except I want you to rise above it and I know you will but its a struggle indeed and I'm still struggling with it. My kids start school this week - another scramble.
