One thing I've learned, when wrapped up in a drama-filled situation like I am that is emotionally intense over child custody - DBing is futile. Maybe just because it is a personality disordered individual. But dealing with W or her family is an exercise in futility.
I think you have done great through all of this. You don't really know it is futile. Who knows how bad it might have been, especially for you, if you didn't DB. I kind of see you as one of the better at this stuff.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I met with my IC today. She seems more impressed at how I've been lately. I had a dark period a few weeks ago that I worked through, and now focusing on GAL and my kids, I've been able to get things moving forward again.
I appreciate the words of encouragement, and the vote of confidence. It has been easier having my boys back to focus on staying busy and working.
I can't honestly say I want my M at the moment either... I think I'm moving beyond that at this point. For real, and not just saying it. I've wanted to move forward for a while, but the selfishness and pain caused by W is causing me to give up on her.
At the very least I have a healthy detachment where I'm not available if she just said "I want to come back." right now.
I think that is a good place to be emotionally as well as logically.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You know, I think that at a certain point, or maybe even all along, DBing is to save yourself, hopefully your M will come along, but if not, its helps you to recover and salvage what you can from it.
Ive always said that even if a M doesnt recover in one of these sitch's, at least you know that you have done everything that you could have done to try to save it.
I wonder how people who have gone the DBing way fare when recovering from the D, if people who do not DB take longer to recover.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Oh, but you ARE DBing; at least the way it is defined here. You are GALing and moving forward.
Most people here will not save their marriages. The most they can salvage is their dignity. And you are doing great in that regard.
I agree with that. You know I think if you DB your butt off, whether your marriage survives or not, you are a success. Sometimes I think reconciliation can be the hardest, toughest thing to go through for LBS, sometimes maybe it's easier for those of us who D really.
DBing is working on making changes and focusing on what you can change and control in your life. You really sound like you are doing that. You seem to have lost some of your anger and replaced it with detachment, which I think is really good. Karen
Today was my day with D1. She was giggling and happy when I and the boys arrived to pick her up at MIL's home. W seemed to be studying me somewhat, I was sort of aloof and not paying attention to her while I was talking and noticed her staring at me when I paused to look at her.
We went to the mall, out to eat, to a book store, and to an Apple store where D1 started playing with an iPod touch, then promptly threw a fit when I had to take it away from her.
The delivery went fine. W/MIL only stayed a handful of minutes, and I felt a flash of anger when I looked at W, but it quickly subsided.
I guess the way I'm looking at it right now is that she is wasting money that would have been better spent on D1's college, braces, or something more useful.
I'm numb toward her for the most part. I'm not really grieving the loss of the M at this point which I think is good. Part of me worries over the "final battle" with D1 and custody at stake, but I think I've won most of the battles overall and everything has sort of gone my way a little bit at a time.
The psychological examination report will be delivered to the Judge next week. I'm not sure if I'll get to see it or not. The psychologist spoke with me, he interviewed/tested W, then read through her journal/deposition, then did a follow up interview. Seems like he was thorough. He didn't tell me what his "conclusions" were and said that he used the journal/etc. in the evaluation.
I'm fairly certain it won't say "She is a fairly well adjusted individual."
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was doing well this morning. Eating grits and toast. I got her to dance with me to that country song "Feel like a woman" and she just rested her head on my shoulder.
I'm moving forward emotionally, and becoming more and more detached. That being said - I still get flashes of anger towards W for the A. I don't even believe I'd take her back at this point, so I don't know why I keep getting angry.
I do still care about her. But she has done so much damage, I don't think it is within my capacity to move past it.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was doing well this morning again. She was eating (read: inhaling) a donut. She got me to hold her for a while, and she blew a kiss for me and threw a ball to another girl who kept bringing it back to us.
GAL is going great... oddly I feel free lately. I haven't even been thinking about the D much at all even though my trial is around 2 weeks away.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I didn't know there was any other way to eat a donut???
Two weeks! So fast! It sounds like you're ok with that though? I am feeling like I'm ready to start dating at this point b/c it's been so long for me--but I'm going to wait until the paperwork is signed. I might line up a date for that weekend though maybe... Karen
