back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

Steady thanks. The detachment is coming slower than the first go around a few months ago. But it is coming. I am reading the detachment thread again to try and suck it into my brain. It is just so damn hard with the kids. When I ask them if they want to do something they always ask if mom is coming. If not they ask her or are disappointed. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears. But I have to be strong.

Now I have to vent. Wife confronted me with a sitch last night. Said she was approached by her girl friend about us sleeping in different beds. I had spoken to her husband in confidence and he let is slip. W said I really put her in a bad situation. I said sorry it was not my intention.

Now today she sends an email apologizing for scolding me on the friend discussion and is happy I have a good friend to talk to. She said she threw the dagger at me in defense and she was sorry. And that this all will take time to work at. And then asked how my new pants fit and look and to have a nice day. Good gracious..what planet am I on. First of all a sorry from her then asking how something looks and then have a nice day. None of that heard in the last month let alone in a single email.

Anyway that is my vent. I am reading the detach thread and hope to soak up the wisdom as fast as I can.

[Doingitright]

Detaching is going well. Preparing for family vacation. Trying not to focus on what it is but rather what fun we will all have. Things are getting more odd with every day that passes. I think my W's upped meds dosage is starting to kick in. She has been so pleasant and actual nice to me and all around her. Ic says she is showing so many signs of major depression. C said I should try and talk to her and get her to talk to a professional for help. I said I am not quite sure how to approach her on that.

Kinda funny... If anyon has seen the movie "17 Again" this will make sense. Inlaws are over and both families sit down to watch this movie. It is about a woman wanting to divorce her husband and find herself and her husband turning back into the boy that met her and fell in love with her. W could only make it through 35 minutes and then said she was tired and went to bed. To bad as it has a happy ending.

[Doingitright]

Something I have discovered while in this detaching process....
My W was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my spiritual partner, my partner in making 2 incredibly beautiful and wonderful children, and so many other things to numerous to list.

His is so intertwined that it hurt to the core of my being. That in fell swoop we lost these things in eachother. I know this because my W said I was those things to her and more.
Th challenge is how many of those things can you replace in your process of detachment and how many can you do without. This is where I have made it in my attempt to detach lovingly. The trick is to not let coldness or hurt fill those voids. I am not sure how long this process takes but it has been gut wrenching and eye opening.
I see know how we during marriage make eachother all those things...it is all built on trust. Trust that his person you have married will be those things. And as trust builds and God willing you add more things to that list like children. And now you see how your trust has grown and your love. It all seems to boil down to trust and love. I believe trust comes first when you are dating. Then once it is established love grows. Don't know if it is right or wrong. I am just hoping that this realization will help me move forward.

[Doingitright]

What do you do when....W snoops and sees:  reciept from lunch, money order, and appointment scheduled for Dr and she says...

You can tell me what is going on.  What did you do for lunch on Tuesday?  Answer...I went to lunch with co worker and best friend ( male).  I thought you said he was on vacation til Wed.  I thought so to but I was wrong only til Monday came back Tuesday.  W thought I was having an affair.  

W what about money order...Money order to pay for Counslor visit as I forgot my check book and they do not take cash.  Went to post office and bought money order to pay.

What about Dr appoint is to see pyscologist?  To ensure I do not slip into a funk while going through this ordeal.  So I will be switching Drs.

I said I won't be cheating on her as we are still married.  That will never happen while we are married.  I need to get through what is occuring and I am not where she is yet in not wanting the marriage.  So I want to remain healthy both physically and mentally.

Talked about her anxiety episodes in the past few days and I said the medicine alone will not make things better.  She needs to see a professional to work trough some of her troubles.  She agreed that she needs to see someone and that her lexapro isn't the sole answer.

Did I do wrong in this exchange?  I feel like I practiced what I have learned thus far.  Any pointers as to what ways to do better?  

[Doingitright]

W wants to tell kids about us gettting a divorce. Wanted to share with me as she doesn't know exactly what to say to them. Says D has to happen as we will only have a mediocre life. We didn't do the things we wanted like a patio or new kitchen etc. She is waiting for me to get there where I know what we have is not worth it. Wants to be best friends as I will be in her and her in mine for the rest of our lives. She is certain that our marriage is done.

Says she doesn't k ow what to do to try and get her feelings back for me. Says she has been this was for a year. Doesn't want to force her self to believe she is in love with me. Says there is nothing for her in our area as a single mom so if I have to relocate for a job she is ok with that. Wants to be bff but doesn't want to give me false hope that we would be getting back together. Like hugs and kisses. Just BFF s.

So what a good double whammy for the kids.... Mom an dad are getting divorced and we are moving 900 mile further from family and all your friends.

[steady]

I'll be back later to post. Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten you. I just haven't been around for a few days.

[steady]

Did you ask to see her crystal ball? (Since she is so certain of how things can or can't be between you in a future that apparently only she can see into)

Did you ask her if the love you guys did have was there when you first met?

Did you ask her if it wasn't there when you first met, where did it actually come from?

So if it wasn't there and it was actually created, isn't there the possibility that it can be re-created?


Your previous interchange was just fine. Hopefully she will go to see someone. Keep taking care of yourself.

On telling the kids - I'd tell her you don't feel comfortable doing that at this point. Tell her you'd like to be further along in the process with logistics and all before you guys discuss anything with the kids. In my opinion it is still way too early to be telling the kids - but only if you and your W are being civil in front of them.

As you have learned - DON'T talk to family and mutual friends about what is going on. It bit you in the ass, now don't do it. Once you start talking to family and friends they begin to take sides and it makes the whole thing even messier than it already is.

Vent here. Vent to a friend IF they are tight with only you and can withhold judgment. It's best to leave family and friends out of it if you can, but I do realize there isn't anything like a real live person to talk to - especially if it's someone who knows you very well and will support you in however you chose to handle your sitch.

The BFF thing is a fantasy that many WAS seem to have - especially early in the process. When you read around the boards here you will see it's almost as if she is reading from a script. My W said and did many of the same things your W is saying and doing.

[Doingitright]

Steady. Thanks. I did ask her about her crystal ball. She said she dint have one and I said then how do you know with certainty that we will have mediocre marriage if we stay together. She kept going back and forth with no feelings and then she knows in the future....fill in the blanks.

We are now on our family vacation. And we just celebrated W's b-day. She asked if we could relocate her. It would be agreat place to relocate for business after she graduates. She was then talking about nxt years family vaca and other future thngs and it made me pause and think.

This vaca is so hard. We still have 5 days left. She is slepping by herself inthe other room. Kids think mom has to sleep alone. Doesn't like sleeping with someone else not even them. So far so good. W was talking about her school starting in 2 weeks. Hr planning the start of her school and the kids.

I have a question...w spoke about us not having done a new kitchen, or built a patio. How do you 180 something like that? I have been looking at this as more of we can't make big decissions. Also that I Ned to take more chances was a dagger she through. I am not sure how to 180 that. I do know I will pass my wife the # to call to get a dr referral hen we get back. She is all over the place. She pissed off my D saying she got so many happy b-days wishes on facebook she felt so loved. D said we love you and we are family. She back peddled but not to D's satisfaction.

Struggling with the whole thing. Will be back later with Q's. Have to get ready to fly out for work.

[Doingitright]

Actually I did say almost that very same thing on love. I said love grows. We met and dated and then we fell in love. That is where she said we would only have a mediocre marriage and life. I said it is what we make of it. We are starting fresh and everything will be new. We need to make it the best we can. We only gave it 7 weeks. That coincides with when her meds for anxiety and depression started to be a problem. She has since been bumped up to double dosage to control her anxiety as sh insists it has nothing to do with depression.

[Doingitright]

Just need to vent...I don't know how so many on this board put up with it. I am in day 5 of a family vacation. It has been so darn painful. I have held my toungue so many times. I ping her for dumping S so she could chat it up with some strangers at the beach. S was so pissed off I had to say something. It was simple but of course she didn't get it. She dumped him and i said S was ticked that she dumped him to speak with strangers.. Exactly what he told me. W made some lame excuse and S said whatever and so did I.

W made a new friend while I was away for the day. Or course it was wiu the only divorced person vacationing where we are staying. Who of course had her ex H vacation with her. My W's thought of how we will be.

I feel like a third wheel on my own vacation now. Watching after the kids while she shoots the bull with her new friend. Kids are ticked and their patience is short with her lately. I have to call them off a few times every day. D pinger her when she was asking W a question and she was on her blackberry texting away on facebook. D said never mind I didn't mean to interupt you. I just don't matter anymore to you, your messages are more important than me. It took W about 5 minutes to acknowledge D and she asked what it was That D wanted. D said see you didn't pay any attention to what I was saying. You do this all the time.

W just can't seem to focus on the kids. She zones out. I have seen it so many times this week. It makes me scared for what happens when I am not around. She is focused on drinking as well. Which is a huge no no with lexapro. Does anyone have any thoughts on lexapro and alcohol?

Friend said my W needs a fresh start. His W went through this stage as well. It was a divorce she wanted. His W said the same things as my W. Specifically about moving with him if he had to relocate. Well that is really what my sitch has become. New job=new city. But I have slowed the process a bit because of R and wife going to school. She says no problem we should move. In fact wants to move to where we are vacationing. Which is one the possiblilities for work. Any thoughts? I am trying to make the job move for me and my kids future. That has always been the plan. It is something I am looking forward to as GAL. Taking a risk for a change.