Another One Bites the Dust?

[MommaDucki]

So, yesterday was supposed to be my 3 year anniversary...Happy Anniversary to me, right? Know what I did to celebrate? Worked all day on very little sleep due to D cutting tooth #13..lol, and then came home, gave D a bath, read to her, put her to bed, and then spent another rough night with her waking up every 45 mins or so.
Through the grapevine, I ended up finding out that H spent our "anniversary" by taking OW out to dinnner to several places he always said he wanted to take me, and then signed a lease with her on a new apartment.

DiDi, as for your initial question about him getting that "professional help"? No, he never got it...Told me he talked enough about his issues with a few close friends...ended up deciding he was going to make some changes in his life by first starting to "cut certain people out of his life that were only bringing him down". He uses MySpace and Facebook a lot, and told me he was deleting the MySpace account, but never followed through with it. Said he couldn't do it because one of his closest friends on there passed away a few years ago, and if he deleted the account, he'd be deleting that friend, so he changed his mind. Now, several of our mutual friends say he's still on it all the time. I'll admit, I felt like I was stalking him for a little while, because I checked his page almost every day to see if he'd logged in. He deleted me pretty quickly, but I know he still has a rather large number of friends on there.

Gah! Rambling again. So, I deleted my Myspace cuz I realized it was doing me more harm than good and dropped the subject of it with him. Overall, I've pretty much dropped all subjects with him as of late. OW takes too much of his time, and he still calls me later at night and I simply tell him I'm not up for talking at the time.

He tries so hard to get me to feed him info. He's admitted to me several times that his R with OW was at first only happening to see if he could get me mad enough at him to file myself so he didn't feel like a jerk for D me. I know him well enough to know two things: 1. He's a procrastinator (sp?) so him doing the filing won't ever happen...he'd rather sit back and let someone else do it for him. and 2. If i filed, I look like the "bad guy" to everyone he keeps in his life, which allows him to get pity and attention from others because, "OMG, you poor guy! she divorced you and took your D away"

I've told him that Iunderstand his decision to D, I accept that's the choice he's made, that I acknoledge the fact that I don't control him or his decisions or thoughts, but it doesn't mean i must or do agree with them. Lately I've been really good at not making it seem that I'm "pursuing him". I simply tell him that for now, I'm just content with things the way they are. I'm doing my thing, he's doing his. I've backslid a bit and told him the only reason that I think he wants a D is because of OW...who again, still isn't D from her H either.

H is quick to remind me the only reason he hasn't filed is because he has no money.

When I said I ramble with him about D, i literally meant ramble or babble. Nothing coherent in fact. I won't give him concrete info of any sort. Should I get served with papers one day, I do have a stack of paperwork all ready to pull out. In all the mention of D that H brings up, he tells me that he'd like to sit down and have a lengthy convo about what each of us want out of the D. That he wants us to have that cemented in stone so that when he files, he can just serve me papers, and i can plead "no contest" to spare me the cost of flying to TX to go to court. I've told him no to this everytime he brings it up. He rubs it in my face how nice he's trying to be about this and how he's willing to give me anything I want. (DUH! what I want is the chance to work through this and still be married to him - though i don't tell him that). he doesn't like me telling him no...says I'm stonewaling him, and asks why I won't discuss it. I tell him, "for the same reason you won't discuss us having any chance". Maybe I shouldn't word it that way, I'm not sure. I just know it frustrates me.

Hopping back to OW for a minute...her mom isn't financing anything for her or H...her uncle is, and he's in a different state than them. OW tells him she's needs money for herself for this that or the other, and uses the $ on H without uncle knowing. her mom was telling uncle about this and in H's words, "Stirring up trouble when she doesn't know what she's talking about." OW spends too much time needing H for everything in her life, which I've realized was one of the probs between H and I. OW agrees with him about everything he says, does, thinks, or wants....Yet another prob H and I had. OW likes knowing he's there with her at just about every minute of every day....Yet another prob H and I had....hmmm, this makes me think about writing a different reply as to the differences between OW and I because I know them fairly well, seeing as OW has been a friend of mine...up until she "hooked up with" my H that is.

As for the suggestions you gave me DiDi, here's some of my thoughts right now...

1. I will of course stay at my job for as long as I possibly can, which leads me to #2...

2. Getting into my own place! It's been a long hard journey, but I've been working my butt off to clear up some problems from pre-H on my credit that were making it difficult for me to get into my own place. Now that I've gotten them straightened out and I'm able to lease an apt or a home again, I'm exploring my options. Here's my problem though...

I've been so very grateful for everything my parents have done in helping me out, but it's getting to a point where I'm wearing out my welcome here, plus they're doing a lot of things in regard to my D that I simply don't approve of or accept(talking to them about it is only bringing up more issues), and overall, I really really miss TX. I've been considering moving back to the city D was born in. I really honestly loved it there, and despite the probs with H, I've never been happier living in any place ever!!! The school system is stellar, IMO, I absolutely loved the church I went to, had a lot of friends and support there, had several Mommy play groups D and I used to attend, and had a lot of other friends I knew as well. I loved the city itself...there are always events of some sort going on, and most are free and very kid friendly, and just overall, I've missed it there with all my heart.

I mean, I'm enjoying being around my family again, most of the time...but roughly 8 years of not living near them, and looking at past issues with them from well before I moved to TX 8 years ago, I was actually much closer to them when I pysically lived far from them.

I have been seriously contemplating moving back there...

I talked to my old roomie and he's willing to let me stay with him until I actually sign a lease on a place...I actually make things like that happen for myself, lol. I've been looking at the job market and daycare, and have a fairly good idea of the neighborhood I'd like to settle in...I know all of this would be hard, but in the long run, I'm supposed to be focusing on me, right? My parents' rule of thumb is that I'm not good at making decisions for myself, so they like to make decisions for me. No amount of me telling them in any way shape or form gets them to understand that I can and do make plenty of decisions for myself, and I don't do it hastily. I do my research!

If I was to actually follow through with this move, it would most likely take place in October. I'll keep you updated on how that is all going!

3. Rambling to him about D is like I said more like babbling nonsensical things to him. I can't even make sense of it most of the time. Most of my rambling tends to be in regards to my sister, who has her final court date on her own D is about 3 weeks. I tend to ramble to H about everything I'm watching her go through. He and I had a really lengthy talk in early July. He'd asked what it is that he's doing that keeps a small glimmer of hope for us alive in my heart and mind. I told him I couldn't answer that, there really wasn't a reason, was more a feeling...because honestly, there have been sooooo many changes between he and I, and they're still changing, and it's all been for the better...just not the best yet...and mostly because of OW. In regards to his question though, the only response I could give him was that if he didn't understand, accept, and respect my choice to not give up on us, and expected me to understand, accept, and respect his choice, then in all honesty, I told him I could not and would not talk to him. Of course, if something serious was wrong with D, I'd call him up right away. I told him that since we'd separated, the majority of the time, I go out of my way to call, text, or email him about D. Told him that I wasn't even going to do that anymore. If he really wanted to know how she was, he'd have to be the one to ask. His response was that I'd told him long ago to stop constantly texting, calling, and emailing me about stuff. Reminded him that I'd said that in regards to contacting me constantly about D stuff. Have not and will not ever have a problem with him asking about D.

So yes, the low down on what I'd told him? Wasn't going to constantly update him about D...he needed to initiate that. Wasn't going to contact him at all, just wanted to live my life and let him live his. Didn't want to talk to him about us at all for at least 6 weeks. Wanted him to stop trying to control me by telling me in phone conversations what I should or shouldn't be doing...that he wanted to D me, so he doesn't get the option to share his opinions on what I'm doing unless it involves D. Basically, I wanted NC with him.

Two days after he and I agreed to this, he started blowing up my phone. Texting like crazy, calling, getting very very upset with me for not answering him at all. He was also getting upset because this was about the time that OW's H contacted me, and somehow H found out about it and was then probing me for detailed info about what was discussed. It's been a bit humorous to me actually. I told him NC, and with a few exceptions regarding D and one short convo about our car that was repoed (the place called me and wanted some info that only H had, so I had to call and get the info ), he and I went 5 1/2 weeks without having any contact.

I had wanted 6 weeks, but graciously accepted the 5 1/2 weeks.

H got a new job that starts in two weeks. He and OW have to move for him to take this job, which is why they've gotten an apt....stupid IMO on both their parts, because now there's a legal document showing that they're living with each other while both are still married.

I on the other hand, have been keeping busy with work mostly. A guy in the dept I work in has been out on sick leave for over a month now due to a knee injury (I have a pysically demanding job that keeps me on my feet all day), so with him gone, I've had extra hours and have enjoyed the extra pay because of it, lol!

4. I have a rather large file folder of documentation of so many things that he's done, or not done for that matter. He doesn't know I have all this info, and I plan to keep it that way.

I have decided to take a mini-vacation down to TX as well. Seeing as this post is rather long...yet again, I'll explain the details of this trip in another response...as well as what I've been doing for me and the 180s I've done, or am still trying to do.

DiDi, and anyone else who may read this, Hope all is well in your world(s)!!

What a rough path we're on at times!