Thank you, GivingMyAll, Yes I am ready to do the changes myself. When we first separated, four months ago, I wanted him to change with me. I didn't want to feel blamed and I wanted us to work together. That's why it's four months later and my H says he doesn't see enough changes of what I said I'd do. I was making it contingent on his self responsiblity as well.
It wasn't until we went to a MC (three sessions now) that I heard the therapist say we are both arguing in damaging, hurful ways. I was at first devastated that he didn't back me up on how horrible my husband was being. Then I got it. i was blaming as much as he was. I was fighting as much as he was. i was justifying my behavior when it looked a lot like his.
Unfortunately, it may be too late. My husband says he told me he would give me four months to see changes and now he hasn't. When I say I'm seeing things in a new light, he doesn't believe me. He says what many people on this board say their spouses say - that the same problems have been going on for too many years and they don't believe anything can change.
My changes are very new. I can only hope he hangs on and acknowledges my changes eventually. It feels like the end but he hasn't filed papers so that's good. he's threatened to not go back to the therapist, but he hasn't actually missed an appointment yet.
So here I am in my new effort to not blame, argue, nitpick, while he is still throwing punches left and right. We have a four year old son, so when he comes over to take care of him, he is either cold and distant, or very nitpicky and angry. I see babysteps. He's been so enraged the last month that anytime he was even here he was exploding over the littlest thing. Now it's down to nitpicking which is tough to handle, but better than explosions. The CD player's power was still on. It's a few complaints each time, then back to coldness.
It's painful but I'm determined not to engage in arguments.
I saw him thaw out a bit when I made family dinner the other night. He even invited me to watch a show with him (our evening ritual before this all went down). I was so excited. Unfortunately, he worked for a few hours on his computer then came out angry and tired and not willing to watch a show. But the offer was a small change. It meant a lot to him that I had showed interest in his work and hobbies, something he needed for years that I never gave him.
We had a couple good days of calm conversation over the phone - mostly about household and childcare stuff but still it was calm and that was a small improvement.
Right now he is putting my son to sleep and I don't know what to do. I should just stay in the bedroom and let him have space (he sleeps on the couch). But of course since he offered to watch a show the other night, I want to go in there and offer to watch one with him. I don't want to push him away, but the coldness in the house is killing me.
I hope I can hang in there through all this time and space. I guess if I stay calm and show interest in his life and work on following through, I can only hope it will pay off - some day.
