Also forgot to mention that H doesn't want to stay with friend too long only wants to be there until he decides what he wants in life and what he decides to do - whatever that means.
On the upcoming weekend away he is planning with the "jet ski family" as he calls them, he has decided to ask his friend that he will be living with to go with him, so sweet.
Oz, Thank you for the sympathy; I have to admit that I am not completely detached, and have not yet figured out how to forgive, as important as I know it to be. But it is better than it used to be, and I'm working on the rest. It does help that I don't have to see or talk to him these days (no contact in over 3 months now), so I don't have to deal with his coldness and disrespect to me head-on (even if he is always coolly polite).
Good job with everything, you are catching on well, it sounds like. The emotional part is going to be really hard, at least in waves, for a while, but you are getting the hang of how to communicate with him. It is okay to think, "How do you know what qualifies as a high rent; have you ever tried to find a place even just for yourself, not to mention another person plus pets? You have no basis for comparison!" But I think you know better than to say anything like that.
You want to avoid engaging him in any kind of emotional tug-of-war or one-upsmanship. If he tries, you have to just keep sidestepping and bringing it back to the business discussion at hand...or if he is getting out of hand, politely say that the topic will be tabled until he is able to discuss it in a civil manner, and then hang up or walk away. With DBing you have to learn balance between respecting yourself and what you need and deserve, providing for your children and pets, and being overly demanding or nasty because of your own pain and therefore burning your bridges. It's a tightrope, but you will learn to walk it, and you are already taking your first steps.
Hope that helps!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
You are right to say with DBing you have to learn a balance without being demanding or nasty. I have thought to myself that why should D & I suffer for his selfishness and to hell with what he has to contribute to us, but I have also spent a lot of time looking at properties to rent and have decided that D especially does not deserve to suffer because of him and I felt that she deserves a nice home to come home to at night after school, not one that is a reminder of the rotten situation my H has selfishly decided upon for us, if that makes sense. I hope it does.
My next fear will be that once he does his number crunching, he is likely to want to sell my car and get a cheaper one, given the loan payment is quite high. He hasn't mentioned it, but I just have a feeling that is to come.
Patiently waiting for my DR book to arrive.
Thanks again Dawn, it is good to know that I am on the right track, it just doesn't seem I am getting anywhere just yet, patience I know. H won't be home from Friday to Sunday (well that is what he says, but who knows) so I plan to get the packing done and do some journaling.
Hi, Oz, You're welcome. A lot of people have helped me out on DB and I want to pass it on where I can.
Before I forget, make sure you don't let your H know anything about this board or about DB/DR. In fact, I don't recommend that you let your kids or friends or anyone else know enough to find you on here, because that can become a big problem for you.
You know the drill on your car: don't be nasty about it, just make it clear that you will be keeping it as is (assuming that is what you want). Don't engage with him if he tries to pick an argument about it, and if he gets nasty, bow out of the discussion until he can discuss it calmly. Politely stand your ground.
It would be extremely unusual for you to be getting significant results this soon. I know you don't want to hear that, but I think you also know by now that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
When you were a child, did you have any experience with those toys called Weebles? They were big inflated rubber punching bag things that were shaped like tapered cylinders, weighted on the bottom, so you could knock them sideways to the floor but they would always roll themselves upright again immediately. The tag line was "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down." Well, you need to become like a Weeble. Whatever punches he throws your way may knock you down for a moment, but you will bounce back up again pretty quickly.
Eventually (not soon, but eventually) you will start to see that this time you have to work on yourself is a gift...even if it is wrapped in ugly, dirty paper, even if you didn't want it. You are freed from the necessity of trying to mold yourself into the shape he wants. Now you have the opportunity to work on molding yourself into the shape YOU want.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I have been very careful with the computer, deleting all traces of this site, clearing private data etc which I have to be meticulous in doing as we share the one computer at home. I make sure the DB book is well hidden as well and I haven't mentioned any of this to anyone. He watches me a fair bit when I am on the computer, probably wondering what the hell I am doing as I never use to go on it, he was the computer nut always talking on his jet ski site.
Have definitely heard of Weebles, I think you can still get them here actually. That is a good way to describe it because it does feel like one punch after the other and trying to duck and weave.
I think once I have moved and unpacked in our house I will be free to really starting thinking about me and become the person I want to become, not really sure who that is yet, but I am sure that will come in time, I think there will be many tears first as I have put my feelings on hold a bit till I get this phase over with.
I hope that once I have more experience in handling things I will be in a position to pass on advice and help others just as I have been helped, but at the moment I am not much good at doing that.
Well H has left for work and won't be back till Sunday, packed up his bag for his little weekend of fun, footy, pub crawling and acting like a stupid teenager and whatever else and went off looking real smug. Don't know what kind of reaction he was expecting from me, but he didn't get any emotion from me whatsoever. Even gave me the usual kiss and hug as he left - he initiates this each time.
But I think what really gets to me is the apparent lack of concern or care for anyone but themselves, I really don't understand how someone can so easily switch off and treat someone they have spent years with as they do.
And now for the wave of emotion again which I can feel rising in the pit of my stomach. Will be kept busy today, taking the car in for service, then a bit of housework, coffee with friends and then dinner with friends.
When he comes home Sunday, he will find a house that has been packed up by me, I will be looking like I had a great time whilst he was gone and will not ask him about his weekend.
I must say that he is extremely curious about me and the computer. He tries to have little looks by reaching over for the tv remote or going to the kitchen so he can walk behind me in an effort to see what I am doing. I take it if he didn't care about me he wouldn't be worrying about what I am doing.
In my own situation I remember when I suddenly thought, "My gosh H is really very selfish." It's as if he said, "I've been responsible and cared for everyone else and now it's all about me." And therefore, it was all about him! It's still all about him and I constantly have to remind myself to have no expectations. There is some growth so just hang in there. You're doing very well.
Like your plans for the weekend!
I think H must be very curious about you because of your calm attitude and he must certainly wonder about your computer interest. In my case I smiled when H visited me in hospital and checked out the card on some newly arrived flowers. For me this curiosity says they haven't checked out completely!
I do hope H hasn't checked out completely, it is that thought that keeps me going. I am remaining very calm which surprises me, friends say they could not remain calm like I am. I just know that behaving any other way would only rub him up the wrong way and make things more unpleasant which is not what I want.
I have for the first time in my life booked my car in for service, taken it there and collected it. H always did this as he worked in the industry. It felt strange in a way. Sent H a short SMS to say that the car was done (no names or lots of words simple few words), he replied that that was good and how was our friend who worked there. I replied simply "great" end of messages.
I just wanted him to know what I had done and that I had done it on my own without asking for his help.
Well, just checked the emails at home. What do I get another email asking if I want to do anything about the "missing" stereo equipment through our insurance.
Just shows the mind is still not well. Not going to reply to that one yet.
Was simply thinking of replying "no I do not want to be involved in any false insurance claims".
Do you think that would okay or do I simply say "no".
I also have just thought of something else that I need clarification on. Since H dropped the bomb on me I have continued with the usual household routine of washing clothes and ironing them, cooking meals etc. Given he has chosen to have a weekend away for play whilst I remain here, being a taxi to D, packing, cleaning etc., do I do a complete 180 now and not wash or iron his clothes at all, or is that taking the 180 to extreme and just being nasty which I don't want to be, but I also have to send a clear message that I am no longer the doormat.
He will be expecting that when he comes home clothes will be washed and ironed and in the wardrobe/drawers.
I really need to know how to handle this one. Still patiently waiting for my DR book to arrive. At least I might get some time to reread DB and spend a bit more time reading the resources here.
