I just got off the phone with my W and boys. Actually, I left a message for my W and she called back! I just asked her about how she was doing etc. She never mentioned the divorce proceedings once, not even the affidavit.She actually does not know that I am able to check the status of the divorce proceedings online.
I asked her about school, etc. She then asked me what were my plans to perfom this religious ordinance for my S12 when he turns 12 next week. I thought she would never ask me that since her father can perform the same ordinance as well. We talked about linking up halfway so I can be the one doing this ordinance for my S12. I'm quite surprised she even asked me. And I hope we'll link up somewhere to do it. It's a very important step in my S12's religious life, and I'm still surprised my W asked me to be a part of it.
Anyway, I shouldn't read into any of this. It's just great that I may see our boys again soon. Maybe a good opportunity as well to indirectly show my W how much I've changed...
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
You've got it...now you are staying in the present and just enjoying that pleasant event. Freeing yourself from the swirling thoughts allowed you to do it. You are doing a great job...keep it up.
V.
p.s. it is in these little ways, inch by inch, that people see our changes and because you have been making them for yourself, they ring true because they are real.
As Michelle said, it's great that she wants you to be involved in their lives and meet you halfway to help make an important event for you and your son happen. As with the negatives, though, I think it's best to acknowledge her gesture and let it go - since reading into either the positives or the negatives can trip one up very quickly. That's the wonderful thing about staying hopeful - once it's inside of you and you believe in it - it's with you through all even the darkest of moments - so you can have the same detachment no matter what happens.
I imagine that allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling - all that sadness - is a good way to let go of a lot of your own pain - and doing so also helps you stay calm and focused when you talk with your W - and deal with some of the matters that this kind of situation brings up.
After work, I went to my see my PTSD counselor for my weekly meeting, then I went to a church meeting. Later I went to the gym to lift weights, and I came home. That's really it. I try to be home before it gets too dark. I have a hard time being out when it's dark...too many night patrols in Iraq, too many memories, good and bad. That's why I really don't go out at all in the evening, unless it's to go visit with the neighbors across the street.
I understand the important concept to stop mindreading and reading too much into something. It always ends up being counter-productive. Like you said, I should just acknowledge any gesture, then let it go. That way I stay focused on the NOW and myself. Makes a lot of sense.
As far as talking with my W on the phone, I never raise my voice. I've always kept an absolutely calm attitude for the past 6 months, even if my W sometimes uses her mad/mean voice. But I don't let it get to me. I think my W has noticed how calm I am when I call her. Calm and upbeat.
Anyway. I hope you are holding on OK, Carlos. I know how hard it must be after your son left this week. I hope you made a LOT of memories.
Veronica and Michelle, I hope you guys have a great weekend. Keep your spirits up.
Hugs to all three of you.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Journaling...Yesterday SAT, I spent my whole day clearing weeds from the backyard. I thought I had a jungle growing out there. My wife used to do a lot of garden stuff. I have neglected to do it after she left 14 months ago. It was good being out there, staying busy.
This morning I woke up at 4:30AM. couldn't sleep. Thought about my W and boys. I went to the gym at 6:00AM and had a good workout to keep my mind off being alone. I'm going to church this morning for some good spiritual uplift and to be with other people. Later today, I'm having dinner with a co-worker and his wife. GALing, being social, staying busy. Gotta do it.
I keep thinking that 14 months have gone by and I'm still doing my best to DB. A few of my friends say I am walking too much on eggs and not being firm enough with my W. Maybe I am. Thay tell me to put an end to all this and start being in charge of my life again. I keep thinking I AM in charge of my life. But I haven't given up on my W. I am not mad at her at all. I love her even more. I understand why she left 14 months ago. I worked on myself to be whole again. It is a work in progress. But I still don't feel it's time to move on. This whole DB technique has changed me for the best. I have faith it will eventually bring changes to my W as well. Patience, love,and endurance are my watchwords. One day I will prevail.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Journaling...Yesterday SAT, I spent my whole day clearing weeds from the backyard. I thought I had a jungle growing out there. My wife used to do a lot of garden stuff. I have neglected to do it after she left 14 months ago. It was good being out there, staying busy.
Sounds like a very good way to spend some time. I like projects where you can really see the impact of the work you put into it. For me, since moving back into an apartment, that mostly means just cleaning up after the kids - but I miss doing yardwork.
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This morning I woke up at 4:30AM. couldn't sleep. Thought about my W and boys. I went to the gym at 6:00AM and had a good workout to keep my mind off being alone. I'm going to church this morning for some good spiritual uplift and to be with other people. Later today, I'm having dinner with a co-worker and his wife. GALing, being social, staying busy. Gotta do it.
I think you're doing just what you should - facing what you've got to deal with and then picking yourself up and doing something...I admire that.
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I keep thinking that 14 months have gone by and I'm still doing my best to DB. A few of my friends say I am walking too much on eggs and not being firm enough with my W. Maybe I am. Thay tell me to put an end to all this and start being in charge of my life again. I keep thinking I AM in charge of my life. But I haven't given up on my W. I am not mad at her at all. I love her even more. I understand why she left 14 months ago. I worked on myself to be whole again. It is a work in progress. But I still don't feel it's time to move on. This whole DB technique has changed me for the best. I have faith it will eventually bring changes to my W as well. Patience, love,and endurance are my watchwords. One day I will prevail.
Only you know your situation best. Sometimes our friends have trouble seeing the pain we're going through and are all too willing to say, "end it, move on" - and while part of what they say is true - that we need to take more charge of our lives - that idea of having to end something isn't always right. Who knows what the outcome will be for you - but at least you are doing everything you can to address the stuff that you can in you...and from everything you've written, you are making real, lasting changes that will stay with you the rest of your life. That will mean so much to your boys.
Today is MON, and out of nowhere my W calls during lunch time. She said I called. It surprises me because I actually didn't... But I said "yes i did". This is the second time in two days that she calls first. I usually always initiate the calls. We talked for 38 min. since I started DBing, I usually keep it under 15 min, so this is a first. also, we really had a conversation instead of me just asking questions.
We talked about the car, our boys, our planned meeting so I can perform this religious ordinance for my S12, her school, our parenting strategy with the boys. I am very surprised to say the least. I did my best to always affirm, listen, and never raise my voice or be confrontational. At one point I tested the waters and said "I really have worked hard to be very active in our church. I am as active as ever". To which she replied " too late now!" I said "I don't understand". She continued "too late now, I'm gone". That comment really cut into me like a knife.
It did bother me, especially as I was going back to work. I had a very hard time fighting back the tears. Later, I thought about the positives of the conversation and realized that it was a big plus that this is the very first time my W ever talked with me over the phone for such a long time. we never talked about us, but I also asked her at one point "do you want to go out to lunch with me" She said "no". I didn't insist. Just acknowledged it and said OK.
All in all, I thought it was a positive overall. Not sure if my W was testing me. No idea. All I noticed is that when we talked about our parenting plans, we agreed on everything and she had a soft voice. Later, she resumed her tough voice. But That's OK. I was glad we talked.
gotta remember DBing and not be influenced by the harsh comments. I am not sure if my W has worked as hard as I have to get better. I can still sense the anger, the hurt. I kept my cool all along, responded gently, lovingly. Maybe she noticed. No idea. Good event overall. I 'll count that as good DBing.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hey JR, It sounds like you handled that conversation perfectly - and, I agree, it's best to let go of her harsh comments - sometimes there's a lot of honesty in those comments - not necessarily about what she's saying - but why - sometimes the harsh comments reflect a fear and hesitation, sometimes they reflect a lot of confusion - one never knows - which is why I think it's always best to let the harsh comments be.
Isn't it amazing, though, how quickly a spouse can see when we might be fishing - even just a tiny bit - for something. I think that's part of the reason she was harsh when you mentioned your church involvement. I imagine she felt like you were clinging to her a bit with those words - and so she pushed you away - seems to happen all the time that way...the more one clings, the more one gets pushed away...unless it's a very unhealthy, codependent relationship...
Also...very good to see the positives...that's so very important.
I also think it's admirable that you don't just sense her anger, but also the hurt...it's easy to forget that a lot of hurt underlies some kinds of anger - it takes a good heart to see the hurt through the anger.
