A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Reflections... journalling...

This week has been the most relaxed and natural of all the times I've been up here. My casual cheeriness has not been forced or a facade as it has been other times. For the most part, I have not agonized over every little thing, every little nuance. I have taken a lot of things at face value. I almost feel like I am not actively DBing. I feel like I am just... living and being me.

The projects around the house have been as much or more to channel grief than for H's (or my) benefit (though I am not denying said benefits).

I've had WAY fewer insecurities, and even sleeping on the couch is no big deal.

Here's the thing - I don't think I'm very detached. My love tank is fuller than it's been in about 3-4 years, so I think the ease and happiness are coming from that, and from just liking being in my own skin rather than from detaching and GALing. Or maybe I *am* detached and this is what it feels like? Can you be detached AND have a full love tank?

Caveat: Don't get me wrong - I am not advocating that people don't detach. I'm just saying I'm not sure where I am detachment-wise.

H was out last night and tonight, but I didn't feel abandoned. He chatted with me before he left, seemed to *want* to sit and reconnect with me when he got back, and has hugged me before work and before bed every day this week.

I'm content. (And yes, it feels a little strange.)

In many ways, it does not feel like two years have passed since I left. Yes, the changes in both of us are there, but I don't feel any diminishment of love or caring for him, and even though he's not saying ILY, I don't feel any diminishment of his for me, either. In fact, I feel MORE love for him and from him than in all of the last year before I left.

On the reality side, yeah, I know I could get kicked to the curb in about 30 days, and yes, that will suck if it happens. But on the other side, I'm not even worried about our upcoming anniversary. I know what I'm getting him - and what (or if) he gets me doesn't really matter.

Dia, contentedly