WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

On monday we went to my daughters meet the teacher night ALL TOGETHER. I dont think it means a thing though. The funny thing is that my wife said we would be there at 6pm so I went to pick up D2. I took D2 straight to D7's school because it was close to 6pm. After being there for about 10 minutes I got a call from wife. She says, "are you there at the thing already?" I say, "yes, got here 10 minutes ago." She said, "oh I didnt know we were meeting over there." NOW, the only reason I would have brought D2 to the house would have been for us all to drive in the same car. She has not wanted to have me in her car since bomb time. WTF? I dont get it?

After we met her teacher there was an icecream social. Everyone got icecream except I got one to share with D2. D2 had other ideas though. I ended up giving mine to her. Then my wife offers to go back and get me some icecream. Meanwhile she is still writing crap about how awsome the other guy is and how it made her feel good that someone like him would think she is attractive. PUKE! Your husband thinks you are attractive!! Stretch marks and all!!!!! I guess that does not matter to the WAW. I feel myself starting to give up on the DB thing and almost did not want to even sign in here today. She really beleives he is "the one" I think this is over.

[eternaloptimist]

Does anyone have any input on my sitch?

Hi, I've been reading your posts and my heart goes out to you. You sound like a really, really great Dad and I totally loved your text to your wife about the best thing a Dad can do for his kids is love his wife. I couldn't agree more! I've said the reverse to my H. I'm the LBS. My H had two EAs, one was with his therapist. If I could do things over again, I would not have confronted him about the therapist. I know that my take is controversial; some ppl believe that the affair should always be exposed. But I think it depends. In my case, I think my finding out shamed my H so much that he may never be able to reconcile with me. The shame he feels is so great that in his eyes, our marriage is forever tainted. I don't feel that way, but I think he does. In hindsight, I would have let that relationship run its course and I'm sure things would be a lot different for me now. My reaction to H's EA further fed into his reasons for wanting out and made him see me as overly emotional, out of control...when instead it has been my H who has been out of control. I may have reacted in a way that justified his feelings, but it took the focus off of what he did and turned it completely on me. Big mistake IMHO.

I wish I had some better advice for you. Sounds like you are working on GALing and being strong. Have you talked to a coach recently? I had three sessions and they were great. Maybe a coach could help you set some goals?

[v1olin]

I have not confronted about the EA but I want to. Her journal was still left out in our room on tuesday. but this time it was on top of the book pile and there was atleast another 10 pages written about her missing him when he leaves for Italy and how she wants him to leave his wife for her.
Last night I was there and she got on me about giving D2 a TINY piece of gum. She said it not good for her. But divorce is right? I think she was in a mood because she was with D2 for a whole 4 hours before I got there. She is used to me having the kids and being over at the house until their bedtime. Our final court date is for SEP. 9th and I am affraid that that will be it for us. I some states divorces take 2 years to be final and this has only been 5 months. I felt I have tried all that I could as time and money allows(Iam about broke now) I have had 4 DB coach sessions since June. I cant afford anymore sessions. The last one Chuck told me I was on the right path and that I should drop the rope. The problem is that is what my wife wants- my acceptance of this divorce. At mediation I will have a hard time leaving the other man out of it.

[robx]

Does anyone have any input on my sitch?

Yes, start dating, don't know why you've waited this long.
You're wife doesn't respect you, you don't have a lot of value in her eyes, if she shakes her butt in your direction she gets a rise out of you (re: your flirting remark) and it makes her feel really good to know she has all this power over you.

Move on, detach, do something that shows you're moving on.
Otherwise continue to sit on this forum, mope about what she does to disrespect you and hurt you and keep asking people for input.

Here's a 180 for you.

Get all dressed up, go out, even if you can't get a date by tomorrow (LOL! that would be pretty quick), make it look like you're going out on a date. If she is around (haven't read your entire situation, do you guys still live together?), and she sees you're getting all dolled up and going out for a night on the town, she will be interested in your plans.

If she ask where you're going, smile and say "Going out tonight!", if she asks where, you say "Out!".

Seriously get some new duds & shoes, get the hair cut, put on the cologne, make it look like you're going out to impress someone and then go out. Have plans to do something, seriously, even if it's only to go the movies or take a very long drive for several hours, get out and start doing it.

You're a freakin' open book to her and she isn't hiding what she does and writes in her journal (because she has all the power in this relationship and currently pulls your strings). Start being mysterious, start going dark. If she happens to call or text you, don't reply back and when you see her the next day don't mention the missed call or text, let her ask about it and tell her "I was in the middle of something and didn't have time to reply back". If she asks where you went, you just say "Out" with a smile that shows you're moving on and you've finally realized that you've been wasting your time on her.

Continue being a great dad.

If she gives you issues over small stuff like bubble gum for your kids, you tell her that you are a parent and know what is in the best interests of your kids and don't need a lesson from her and follow up with "if YOU need MY advice, let me know otherwise you do your thing and I'll do mine - since we're planning to split up it's something you'll have to get used to".

She is used to you kissing her a$$, you can stop that at anytime now, the sooner the better. Show her you have a pair and you won't be bullied or pushed around or ridiculed. You respect yourself enough to let go of the people that won't respect you.

[v1olin]

Thank robx, it is funny to me that this behavior from her started when I took my ring off. But she still writes in her journal that getting flowers from me "sapped all of her energy". I tell you what I have had enough of this crap from her. I made another comment tonight about her tattoo and I said I might get one of our girls names. She then asks "where" and I said on my bicep. She said I should put one name on each bicep but I said I had to save room because I might have more kids someday.:) I have been chatting online with some girls that I knew when I was 20 and it is a nice change. I know I need to detach and I think I have arrived.


I waited so long to start dating mostly because I wanted to be the better person. I also wanted to spend time with my kids so I end up staying over at our house until their bedtime.(we have not lived together since april) Now I am making a point of leaving before they have dinner so that my wife can feel "single" and alone. I have done the clothes,haircut,colonge but she did not care much. She notices but she cares more about the OM. And that is fine, he will never leave his wife. I have done everything short of saying, "I can't watch the kids on xxxday because I am going out with so and so."

And about the gum thing, she just wants to find something to make me look bad as a parent. I wanted to say "kiss my a**" but that would have made me look bad too.:)

Thanks for the input and I will take your advice.

[v1olin]

Hmmm, I think Iam becoming the WAS. When I get the money Iam going on a trip to WY for some hang gliding(GAL)and see a "friend" who happens to be female.

[The Wifey]

I have done the clothes,haircut,colonge but she did not care much. She notices but she cares more about the OM. And that is fine, he will never leave his wife.

V1olin, I can just feel the anger and bitterness dripping from you. This isn't about dating or not. Reconciliation or dropping the rope. You have to forgive to free yourself.

I recommend you google The Other Woman. It is a sick site where mistresses support one another. But if you look for a thread called Endings - you can find some interesting material to read. Might even want to print some of the info. Just in case you wanted to have a friend share it with her. Just a thought.

But, seriously, man - this is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Kettricken]

Not sure whether this is moot at this point or not ... but because all things being equal, I always think it's preferable if spouses with young children are able to reconcile ....

.... your DB coach gave you some good advice *in this instance*. There's a lot of truth to "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." It looks her "the One" is getting ready to/trying to dump her on her butt. When that sinks in, the starry eyed phase can wear off with a vengeance.

The advice about making yourself attractive and mysterious as opposed to a Johnny-on-the-spot lapdog still applies.

IMHO, the wheel is still spinning on this one. IF you think you can forgive and work past this, it may still resolve in your (and your children's) favor.

[v1olin]

Yes, I still have hope that we will reconcile but I cant get her to that point before the legal divorce is final. She has already divorced me in her mind and after the legal stuff is done I dont think she will come around.

I know it is a marathon but at this point I am drained.

[v1olin]

Anger and bitterness: I woke up in a depressed mood today and my day did not get better. I have not felt this low since about 3 months ago. I think because Iam broke right now. And our anniversary is coming up. Venting