UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Sanderika]

Hi Nell,

My schedule is so very different from yours. I am sorry I didn't get to help you with the email.

It was good. I would have only mentioned to shorten it up a bit.
Otherwise you made all the right comments.

The reason I know your H is watching you is he seems very similar to my H in mood and behavior.

Several reasons are:

My H is eyeball deep in a MLC and would never admit it.

My H left over an OW. Didn't leave until he had a place to go.
It was EA at the beginning, too. Turned PA about 9-10 months into sitch.

When he decided to leave he was mean to me. Very mean sometimes.

My H is also a decision maker, he believes "right or wrong I am going to make a decision" and that is exactly what he does. Very rare to change his mind. He's stubborn.

I watched him suffer in emotion and anguish over what he had done for months. I even witnessed him crying uncontrollably he was in so much pain.

We began to re-create a friendship 4 months into the sitch.

In many of our conversations, H admitted to me he was always watching me. He watched very closely and noted all of the changes. He admitts the changes have kept the D at bay. He really likes the changes and enjoys me in many ways now.

In DB, the experts recommend you write down 3 goals, one of my 3 goals was that H would one day say again that he loves me. H has told me that he loves me and always will. In fact he has told me this more than once.

I have had a lot to read here in the past posts, I am going to jump around a bit.

YES, take care of the chores. Spider webs have to go and, if H isn't around, you do it. Since I am afraid of two things in this world....SPIDERS and ROTTEN POTATOES....I wish you luck!!!!

You will impress H that you are taking great care of the home. It will not leave him with the impression that you don't need him, so don't worry. He knows you need him. What you are trying to convey right now is that you don't need him as much as......You Want Him.

You go girl, new boots!!! EVERY TIME you see H you look like a million bucks. Even when you feel like crap, you look wonderful.

Put on a sexy outfit-head to toes, do your hair and make-up (if you wear it). Put on some perfume, his favorite scent. It will help you to carry off your PMA which is so important to show H right now. He will enjoy every minute looking at, smelling, and listening to you.

On days when I didn't expect to see H, I still didn't let my guard down on my appearance. I got the unexpected visit more times than not and girl was I glad I didn't have a backsliding day. H would always have a positive comment for me, too. I know that it payed off. I still maintain the same. You never know!!! It's maintain, maintian, maintain until it's who you are.

The "what I am grateful for" diary is a great idea. I actually have kept a diary every year since this started. I take them out all the time and I read them. I also keep them hidden. No one sees them but me, never show H. You will, I mean you will, eventually write things in there that only you should know about. I plan to burn mine if H comes home for good.

If you expect to see H, it wouldn't hurt to get some of his favorite eats and drinks in the house. I always did/do this and you guessed it....H always ransacks the fridge and cupboards. I love it. He loves it. It's home and he feels at home. It's a good thing.

Last thing tonight I want to address is your question about "How I managed to re-create a friendship with my H?" I'll touch on it now and will divulge more with time.

It was not easy. I made up my mind that H was not going to leave me. I did a 180 in 30 days. I began by the way I spoke in words and tone to H. I changed my appearance to one that was definitely more sexy and desireable. I began by catching his attention. I maintained a friendly, loving, kind, compassionate, validating, committed behavior with H. I practiced my new behavior so hard that I became someone new. I now do not know how I lived being the Sanderika of before let alone how my H or anyone else lived with her. I could actually go on and on here. My approach will come out as we converse. I have been through the worst time in my life and I do not have one regret about how I have handled the past 4 years.

I am willing to share and for me it is easier to address things as they are presented. I really want to help you and I will, in time, do just that. I also want to share with you that I never heard of DB until 6/2008. I bought the books DR and DB in 7/2008. I had already been DB in my own common sense way for almost 3 years. I was doing what the books were telling me to do.

If there is a regret, it is that my H left me. He left our home. I do believe that the techniques in DB and DR are much easier to practice and instill if the WAS has not actually moved out. Had I known of these, say the year before H left, I do not think we would have been here. I let him go, right into the arms of OW. For that I will always be sad. A part of me has changed forever because of this sitch. I am no longer naive and trusting. I have paid a price. I have learned to be very guarded of my feelings and behaviors and this will be with me the rest of my life.

Nell, I will try and get to you in the morning as well. It's very hectic here right now. My son is busy and I have two jobs to maintain, plus my house. I want to help you and will stay in touch.

(((((Nell)))))

Sanderika