The thing is that you need to act as if this was someone you were dating again. You've got a looooong way to go to establish the trust. Get her to trust you first. Worry about the R later.If she starts talking about the R, just tell her that you want to just spend the time enjoying the evening together and the R talk can wait.
Definitely DO NOT date other people. Especially since you were the one who cheated on her.
Take it all one day at a time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
However, I don't think she is "acting like you did." She gave up on you and accepted your decision. That is very different to me than leaving and refusing to work on the marriage.
What I mean by her acting like him is that she is responding to his chasing of her as he did to her when she was in full bore pursuit. (very typical reaction when a person is pressured to return to a relationship)
Love works best when it is given freely and not from force or pressure. When it is their free will and choice to be with you.
She is reacting to your pressure and pursuit no different than you did. Keep up the pressure and pursuit and I will GUARANTEE the same results for you as you did her. Same results most everybody I have ever seen on this site receives.
PRESSURE AND PURSUIT do NOT work on someone that acts as if they want out. Asking her out right now is nothing more than pressure. You are in panic. People make numerous mistakes when in panic.
Wait on the dating for the time being. First you have to take off ALL pressure. Imperative.
If my H professed that he was ready to come back to me and then was immediately prancing around with other women, I'd think he was completely full of sh*t.
You wouldn't care if you had a hot new relationship like this woman does. You wouldn't want your husband back or be saying "if he wanted me back." She could care less what he does right now. She is interested in the new man. The truth is she wants him to leave her alone because he already has damaged this relationship almost beyond repair.
Right GL BUT, and this is a big but, I place a value on my family being together that even with my detachment and my sincere disinterest in H and my utter disappointment in him, the prospect of possibly being able to pull it together would weigh heavy on me. And I believe that would be even if I was happily remarried (which has been affirmed by other women I know who remarried)...
You let go of the guy, but letting go of the preferability of having an intact family can take a lifetime...
And let's acknowledge that there may be a difference between men and women in terms of tactics...
Please, please -- LISTEN to what Gucci is telling you. Do what he says, it is counter-intuitive.
But do what he says, not what you "feel" like doing.
Honestly, it's not all that counter-intuitive. It is quite logical. Keeping my heart and emotions under control are the challenges. I think I'm doing pretty OK but boy I have ups and downs. Keeping them out of sight is my challenge.
I had a great night tonight. We had plans for me to go over to their place for out oldest daughter's birthday. W called a little before I was due over asking when I was arriving. I told her I was in the neighborhood shopping and could come over whenever she liked. She said they were starting a good movie and if I hurried they'd weight for me (birthday girl wasn't scheduled to be home for another 45 minutes). I arrived, we watched a movie, I ran out to pick up some pizzas, we opened presents, hung out and I said goodbyes and left around midnight. I'm reading nothing into it but I can tell you it was a wonderful night. All light, no R talk or anything stressful. Just nice to have all of us together.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Right GL BUT, and this is a big but, I place a value on my family being together that even with my detachment and my sincere disinterest in H and my utter disappointment in him, the prospect of possibly being able to pull it together would weigh heavy on me. And I believe that would be even if I was happily remarried (which has been affirmed by other women I know who remarried)...
I don't know what remarried women you are talking to, but any "happily remarried woman" that I have ever talked to wonders what she ever saw in her ex. The only ones who think differently are the ones who left the marriage to find greener pastures, not the ones who were left. So you are saying that a happily married woman (intact family) would give up an intact happy family to go back to one that gave her dissappointment and disinterest in ex husband and seriously think they would consider going back to that? I don't buy it. Happily married women shouldn't be talking that way about their new relationships.
Come and talk to me when you have another man in your life and are happy with him. This isn't what I have observed.
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And let's acknowledge that there may be a difference between men and women in terms of tactics...
Of course there is. There is also many similar tactics. (confidence, self esteem, letting go, not sharing with a third person to name only a few)
Where are you going with this? I am stumped that you place so much importance on "intact family" and brush aside "happy well adjusted mutual love and respect family. I guess if "intact family" is your key focus, then you are right that it very well may take you a lifetime to let go. I don't have time to waste by thinking that way.(what if is wasted time) Life is too short to be looking for and find things to be unhappy about. Deal with it and move on works much better. I WILL be and stay happy. Happy people draw other happy people to them.
RSF! Good job! You need more opportunities like this and you need to handle them just like you did. And now, I bet you OM is asking a million questions about the evening.
Now the next time there's an opportunity to be with you, she will be more relaxed about it.
I don't know what remarried women you are talking to, but any "happily remarried woman" that I have ever talked to wonders what she ever saw in her ex. The only ones who think differently are the ones who left the marriage to find greener pastures, not the ones who were left. So you are saying that a happily married woman (intact family) would give up an intact happy family to go back to one that gave her dissappointment and disinterest in ex husband and seriously think they would consider going back to that? I don't buy it. Happily married women shouldn't be talking that way about their new relationships.
Come and talk to me when you have another man in your life and are happy with him. This isn't what I have observed.
GL, I have to disagree with you. IMO successful marriages are made up of many parts not the least of which is hard work. Its often the case that one or more partners dont have the tools or don't know how to do the work. In my case that was true and it led to a long decline of the marriage, W having a PA and finally me doing the same and walking out. I have no doubt that we both still love each other very much. I also have no doubt that we both value our children, hold our responsibility to them sacred , and believe that keeping their family intact if at all possible would be the best thing for them...and probably for us too. And of course we value our own happiness.
So all of that doesn't mean that we'll save our marriage (I hope we do) and it doesn't mean that we won't remarry and find happiness. If and when that happened I have every confidence that we would still see the good in what we had with each other. I just don't see this as a black and white issue. Maybe n the rarest of rare situations marriage problems are so extreme that one looks back and wonders what they ever saw in person.
Acting on this stuff is a bit trickier. If one is happily remarried and REALLY did all the healing and work to get there then it would seem virtually impossible for them to weigh any options with an ex and score them higher than their current marriage. Still, that doesn't mean that they wouldn't give value to that original family unit even in that situation.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Quote:
And let's acknowledge that there may be a difference between men and women in terms of tactics...
Of course there is. There is also many similar tactics. (confidence, self esteem, letting go, not sharing with a third person to name only a few)
Where are you going with this? I am stumped that you place so much importance on "intact family" and brush aside "happy well adjusted mutual love and respect family. I guess if "intact family" is your key focus, then you are right that it very well may take you a lifetime to let go. I don't have time to waste by thinking that way.(what if is wasted time) Life is too short to be looking for and find things to be unhappy about. Deal with it and move on works much better. I WILL be and stay happy. Happy people draw other happy people to them.
I'm surprised that you deemphasize the importance of intact family. I wouldn't do so at the expense of happiness but it certainly factors into my equation. Again, its not black and white, IMO it's a balance of many things. I will be happy too but my happiness is partly dependent on fulfilling my responsibility as a parent.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
IMO successful marriages are made up of many parts not the least of which is hard work.
LOVE is suppose to be FUN not WORK. When it becomes too much WORK there is a tendency for one of the parties to search out a different and FUN relationship.
For example:
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Its often the case that one or more partners dont have the tools or don't know how to do the work. In my case that was true and it led to a long decline of the marriage, W having a PA and finally me doing the same and walking out.
Remember, Work = Force x Displacement. Apply Force and you are working to displace. SM.
