We had the C session today and I feel completely deflated. I'll type more about it, but W was just so certain, C was more or less like, well, there's not much you can do then...
C asked about her biggest obsticle - she said intimacy - emotional, physical, etc. - that we're not compatible. She said she cares about me, she'd do anything for me, but we don't have that connection. She said that as she felt herself slipping into depression, she couldn't let herself do that - she can't fall apart, we have kids to take care of.
C asked about her family, and how that related to how she chose to marry me - W explained how her dad was unstable, how he disowned her, how her mom didn't want her to come live with her, etc. - and chose me as the complete opposite. Stable. Dependable. Safe. But, as she never felt the connection with her parents, she didn't find it with me either. We ate lunch afterwards, talked about our R - and she's still with - I know you don't want this, but it's going to happen, and we've got to figure out what to do with the kids.
I went back to work and had a meeting - there was a work event this afternoon, but I was just done - emotionally exhausted. So I came home and went to bed. Hopefully that's not too pathetic.
My hope is diminshing today. Yeah, I'll get back up there, I'll be strong, I'll do what I'm going to do. If for nothing else than me and my kids. I will make myself OK.
W did say that things were better now, after she's asked for divorce, seeing I've been trying so hard, but she sees the cause and effect.
C asked about my family background - I told her how my family was all independent, individualists - we spend time together in the same room reading much of the time. We were about being productive, too. Someone asked once, what's my vision of a family - my family of origin was all sort of self-reliant, get-stuff-done, tend-to-yourself. I guess that's how I've been.
One day at a time.
Guys, I've read your posts, I will read them again and absorb them. Thank you. Right now I'm a little raw.
You know, I haven't even cried about this yet, over these past weeks. But I think I'm about to.
