Yes, inform the company if they work together with your wife as subordinate.
Your reaction was normal, and really what should have happened, rather than falling back later on the "let's not do anything hasty here". You must be a sucker for punishment the way you have R talks almost every day. Is that the new DB, cuz the one I'm aware of says NOT to have R talks. Your wife basically said she wants to explore the relationship with OM....if next time she'll more blatantly say, "I'd like to have sex with him", are you going to keep doing the "nice guys finish first" thing?
I know everyone is saying "be kind & sensitive to her because of her past sexual abuse trauma". Listen I'm not going to downplay the traumatic event for what it was, I also have alot of personal experience with this myself and if I heard correctly she is a social worker so she herself may have more than just a clue on the treatment & therapy required by people dealing with these issues. Successful treatment in this area is not long term covering several years, it's shorter 6months to maybe 2years, anything longer reinforces the role of the victim and makes it harder to shake loose those ideas & "programming".
Anywho.... using those events and that history as a crutch for specific behaviors that are being played out now is wrong. When you use a crutch for your behavior you saying that you're not responsible for your actions, I was abused as a child, this happened to me so I do this now, etc. etc.
If she is depressed, she is on meds and they appear to helping her from what I've read.
The depression didn't stop her from seeking out the OM, it isn't stopping her from wanting to pursue a relationship with him and everything else associated with it.
Tristan is playing the overly nice guy/supportive husband role and to be honest it doesn't work that well especially in this particular situation when you're at odds with your spouse.
Can we all be honest here about this. If Tristan's representations of their conversations are accurate and we can assume he's been working this super sweet, nice, supportive spouse role as well as any of us could ever have done in his shoes - it's safe to assume that it isn't working, she's pulling away even further.
During their conversations, she continues to admit openly that she continues to see the OM, have meals with, wants to pursue a relationship with him, if she feels guilty, she looks towards Tristan for a reaction and gets "it's ok, I'll still love you and support you even if you walk all over my heart".
Is anyone else reading that much so far or is it really just me that sees this.
He is communicating (or was up until recently) that i'll be here while you get to have your fantasy life with the OM, while you get to pursue a romantic, intimate, possibly sexual relationship with the OM, I'll be here with all the love in my heart waiting for you when you return and in the end, somehow all of this will make us a stronger couple.
How does this make them a stronger couple? How does tolerating your wife's affair make you a stronger couple?
Anyone chime in and explain that to me because I must be too dumb to understand how any of this will benefit their marriage?
Tristan telling her it was time to look for a place of her own was the right thing to do, no matter how much it broke your heart, it wouldn't have felt any better to have conversations with your wife that went like: "Did you see the OM today? Yes, I went to that apartment he mentioned and we made love. You must hate me for what I'm doing to you. I'm trying to get those 'in love' feelings for you and maybe by being with the OM in this affair I can generate those feelings - I don't know how I will do this but I'm thinking it might work."
It can't possibly work and by Tristan continuing to take what I would call abuse at this point after reading their conversations, all he has illustrated clearly to her is that he is a doormat, I can walk all over you and wipe my feet on you, break your heart but you'll still love me anyways.
How can she possibly respect him as her husband and as a man when she can treat him like this and he doesn't set boundaries that stop her from doing so?
And if she can't respect him, how can she love him? Women don't love men that they can control easily, they usually end up hurting & disrespecting men that they can control easily.
If she knows he'll be there waiting for her, she'll take her sweet time "finding herself", if he tells her he is questioning his commitment to the marriage because of how she let go of him so easily and is considering seeing other women to experience the same feelings she is experiencing, it will throw the situation in reverse. Up until now this has been her decision, this has been under her control, she has done anything she wanted to do up until this point without any restriction & boundaries to deal with.
Tristan when you called her later to tell her not to make hasty decisions, you flinched. You setup a boundary and then you were quick to pull it back down for fear of losing her and in doing so you communicate your fear of loss to her, something she doesn't currently feel for you.
You can continue giving her as much time in the world and be the nicest guy in the world, kind & understand & sensitive but time isn't going to fix this anytime soon and those other qualities aren't going to help as much either.
This is a very interesting thread, Tristan I still think you have what it takes to pull this thing around. She is attracted to this OM because he exhibits very attractive qualities, and while you may possess some attractive qualities of your own, you also have some very unattractive qualities.
The OM wouldn't be afraid to lose your wife - he is secure in everything he is doing, you don't communicate that as much and insecurity is a huge attraction killer. You communicate your insecurity by not setting up boundaries which determine how people including your wife can treat you. You started today to do this, I applaud you (about !@#$Z%* time!) but then you were quick to call her to not be hasty in her actions, don't worry about her actions, she has free will, she can do whatever she wants and you wouldn't be able to stop her either way. Detach, move on, GAL, and yes... the dreaded "D" word... DATE. Let her contact you, don't contact her, start limiting your communication with her, focus on being a great parent and a great person for yourself, first & foremost and start doing things that work.
