I just wanted to bump my sitch up as a plea for additional support. My husband gets back next week and I am starting to get nervous. For those who haven't read whole thread, we already live apart and have been separated 8 months. I wish he would give our marriage another chance but he seems to not be there...was once very in love with me (and more pursued me in the early days), and after about 2 years of tension/fighting over many little things (read above) he felt he wanted out.
So I've been trying to detach and GAL. Per Pearl's email above, are detaching/going dark/LRT all somewhat the same? Seems like they are?
I've noticed there's also a ton of support here for LBS that are husbands (giving insight into the mind of the WAW)...Sandi gives some terrific advice for men on how to approach their sitch. Sandi - any insight for me here? or STRONGER, anything you did to encourage husband to reconsider his stance? Or any men that were the walk-aways themselves?
I've started to grapple more than can't control where he is and what he does, just focus on making myself a better person (for myself, but wishing he would take note).
I've proposed retrouvaille but he seems hesitant. Just trying to figure out if my best bet is to just give it all up (I still love him so much)...if that attitude might help him reconsider, or if any other 'intervention/behaviors' might be better??
HI - I would be so grateful if anyone has thoughts that might help here. I am getting nervous as my husband will be returning from being away for 6 weeks this summer next week.
I don't know how to flag att'n of someone as I submit replies? Stronger, Sandy, Pearl...any additional advice? Thank you!!!
Quick up front questions….and keep in mind there are NO right or wrong answers, these are purely curiosity questions from me and really not much to do with DBing….
Would you change your name now? Did you hyphenate? What’s his background compared to yours? I don’t quite understand….
Other quick things off the top of my head….
No more apologizing. You’ve done it, he’s heard you and now he’s taking advantage of you.
If you want to give him money, fine. But I hope you stop. He left, he needs to deal.
Break downs….they are not only ok, I think they are great. Just don’t do them in front of him or anyone who will tell him. I normally have mine in the shower, but they are few and far between now, which I’m soooo grateful for. But I did embrace the release it gave me afterward. I felt like I was clearing out the toxins!
Do NOT talk to his buddy. The only way I would let you do this is if we knew 100% he would be sympathetic to you and would go to H and tell him to work it out and H would say “You’re right friend, I’ll go home right now.” And since we don’t know that, leave it alone. Maybe revisit that in the future, but right now NO talking to the friend.
WASs….the number one tactic…pick as many fights as possible. It helps them justify walking away and their behavior. It’s so funny….in the our dating days, H would tell me he loved how in charge I was….not he calls me controlling. Yes, things they once loved about you are now annoying. It’s fascinating really. They think you’re outgoing….then later you’re a flirt. Truly, this is one of the most fascinating parts of relationships from me….how rose tinted glasses change to red.
Any-hoo.
STRONGER, anything you did to encourage husband to reconsider his stance?
Now that we are at this point, dating (and I still have moments when I want to reach across and strangle him….I am by no means off my roller coaster ride yet) I can look back and see what worked for me and what didn’t.
First of all, my best advice I can give you that had the most impact for me was GALing.
Second, I got into therapy. I had to work on some issues. I knew it and him leaving finally gave me that push to seek help. This was for me and other’s would benefit once I got my temper and other issues under control. I’m making great progress here and I like the new me and my new way of reacting to things. Don’t get me wrong, I still slip, but not anywhere near like I was.
Number three on the list of what worked: I got results from him when I gave up which for me was accidentally detaching. I understand what everyone says and means when they tell each other to DETACH. I honestly couldn’t do it on purpose for the LONGEST time, but what encouraged me to learn was when I would detach by accident, when I would give up. I’d give up. He’d make effort.
For example, H pissed me off ROYALLY. I said no more. I told him I was moving out of our house and at this time, he was staying with a friend. He tried to stop me. I said no and moved in with a friend who is married with a pretty big house and me and S had lots of privacy. I was there for four months and loved it. That was in February. When I moved out, it force him to move back in. And he did. That was the first time H really looked at me and thought “Oh sh!t….she really might leave….she really might agree to this divorce.” And the week I moved out, I would have. The first weekend after I moved out, he and I had our first R talk that was productive. Every time before that, he was talking about D.
Fourth, I look better now than I have my whole life. It’s pure vanity. Nothing else. But when he left and there was the OW….man, that hurt the ego. But still, I did this for me. I gained weight from the baby that I still hadn’t lost. I was now motivated to get rid of that extra weight. (The “I’m getting divorced diet” helped….but then I smacked myself and started eating the right way again.) But I did the physical stuff for me….it helped to motivate me that I know H wants a sexy wife he can be proud of, but ultimately, my weight loss was for me and I’m pretty happy about it. It’s hard to do and I admire anyone who can drop poundage! Plus, after S my cholesterol was out of control. I’ve now got a very low count and that’s something long term that’s good for me.
Finally for now, I’ll end this list of what worked with this: I continued to do certain things for H….I know this is not necessarily what would work for other’s but it worked for me. I continued to do our laundry. It’s odd, but I love housework. It’s always relaxed me. I love a clean house. So I continued to do the house work. I was able to come to this decision because I am willing to do this for the rest of my life for me and H and son.
I continued to ML with H. Our sex life hit a dip after S because of the 60 pounds I gained, but it was still a pretty strong point in our relationship. So after talking with my therapist and DB Coach, I did ML with H, but only let him initiate it. Not only did this work for me as it kept him close to me, it was something that only would I do for the rest of my life, I would miss.
Ok, so what didn’t work?
Screaming. Yelling. Fighting. Didn’t matter how right I was, none of that worked.
Going dark did not work for me. It just gave him the all clear sign to call OW and talk to her, therefore allowing that relationship to blossom. But in hindsight, I still didn’t know about her during that time. That was about three weeks long. So not too bad, but I now know a lot of bonding happened in that time. If I had known I would have started my “affarius interuptus” as Puppy Calls it by calling once a night to just say good night and catch up with him.
And there’s other stuff but your situation is different since you don’t have a child and seemingly don’t have the debt H and I have! Which oddly enough, I’m grateful for, all things considered.
I am no expert but I think at this point, you have given him all he needs to know that you are serious about working on this. So stop telling him, stop asking.
Something else, that worked for me….My H would ask me to sign papers almost every day in late March into early April. I said No and once I said Maybe. But every other time it was No, not until we seek professional counseling, which he was opposed to and still to this day will not go. I am pretty sure his lawyer told him what mine told me: Yes, you’ll get your divorce but first, she will get her counseling. Once the judge finds out there’s a child, he/she will send you to get the help from a professional. A judge will think about the child and doesn’t really care about either of you.
So as a compromise after he said he would CONSIDER counseling I found a program on line that is an at home Marriage Fitness Program. It was pretty decent to good for us. We haven’t completed it yet, because I’m not going to push, but there is one more chapter we have to do that deals with EAs. (And that’s pretty important for us to listen to I think/know.) You could do the same….up to you….fight the divorce until he goes to Retro with you. Keep in mind, my H was not happy about the Marriage Fitness program but he did it and made a pretty good effort into it. I have seen some positives from it. And I think he would agree, but I haven’t asked him.
I’ll keep checking in with you. Stay strong. It’s an amazing ride where you learn much about yourself.
I think a lot of men think that they want strong women, but they really don't. They will start tearing you down, brick by brick, and then run off to rescue some lame-@ss single mom. Men have a fatal flaw in that the HAVE to feel like the hero.
I was an alpha wife too and he knew it when he married me. It's just that they are lying to themselves when they say they want a strong woman. I'll bet you haven't changed since you married, and why should you have to? Did you misrepresent who you were? I think not. I certainly didn't.
Move on. Do NOT change your name. You deserve better.
I think Kimmie Lee and I are going to be on the opposite sides of this.
For the record, never told her to change her name...asked if that's something she would consider....that's all. I did it but always knew that I would....I even come from a society of people where women keep their maiden names.
Any-hoo.
Yes, I'm an alpha wife too. My husband still finds aspects of my "alpha-ness" sexy and appealing. There are aspects of it, he does not. But I can see his side now as he has given me specific examples of how I let that part of my personality get away from me and it went from being "sexy in control woman" to "attempting to control everything annoying woman". It was a true "Ouch" moment for me, but I needed to hear it to really understand his issues with us and with me.
I know my H married me for my strength. I know he still loves and respects it. He just needs me to tone it down sometimes and he's willing to work with me and tell me when those times maybe so I don't have to read his mind, then it festers in him. He even said this "I will point it out to you when you go from being strong to trying to over-power me. I bet a few of those times, we'll disagree, but at least you'll know what I'm thinking and why."
To me, that's huge huge progress for us.
And a man wanting to be the hero....is that really a fatal flaw? Or is it only a fatal flaw if he doesn't want to be your hero? I won't paint all men with that brush, despite the hell I've been living through these nine months, I still respect men and I'm learning to respect my H again. It's a process, I struggle with it, but it helps me when I see he's having the same struggle too, that's he's trying. I want my husband to be my hero. I want him to be my S's hero.
I will agree with Kimmie Lee that you deserve better. But I hope and think it's very possible you can have better with your current husband.
For absolute sure, both of us changed. Not just one, both. I don't think there is one single person out there who is born and never changes from one year to the next.
It's not just marriage that changed us, life events change everyone all the time. No one person is the same from the day they are born to the day they die.
I'm not here every day but will be sure to check on you next week. I really do understand needing the support. But you have to let us know what you're doing.
What have you been doing the past couple weeks? What GAL activities have you been doing? How have you been working on yourself?
I'm going to give it to you straight--you sound desperate. Desperation is not attractive. I know you're probably just venting here but you need to try to give off a positive vibe. Fake it 'til you make it.
I agree with Stronger's first four things that worked, the other two did not work for me. Going dark did work for me for the same reason it didn't work for Stronger. I pushed BF at OW and they had to be together all the time really fast. I haven't asked what happened between them during that time but I do know that it was only a matter of weeks before he wanted to work things out.
Bottom line is this: stop making it about your H and start making it about you.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Good stuff PH, Isn't it strange that one thing works like a charm for some people and not at all for others? We also have a child, which makes the fact of me trying to go dark so silly and ineffective. In hindsight, DUH!
